"INDUSTRY JOURNALS"

"Good morning, R.D.S. Electronic Services . . . this is Al, may i help you?"

". . . uh . . . yes, good morning . . . may i speak to Miss . . . Mar . . . Marwah Sa . . . Marwa Sa-wig-non?"

"That's Marva Savignon-Sah-veen-yon."

"Yes, yes . . . may i speak to Miss Marwah Saweenyon."

"I'm sorry, Miss Savignon is in a meeting, may i take your name and number, and ask her to return your call?"

"Well . . . perhaps you could help me. Could i have your telephone number and address?"

"Hmm . . . so tell me, Apoo, why do you want the address . . . oh, and i hate to be rude in pointing out the obvious, but you already have my telephone number, more's the pity."

"I am calling for Electrical Contractor's Magazine, and perhaps you could answer a few questions for me, so that we can send you a free subscription to Electrical Contractors Magazine?"

"Not bloody likely, Apoo. Now i may state with a certain degree of certainty that you have my address as well, as we have received your rag . . .

"My what?"

"Pardon me . . . we have received in the mail, unsolicited, your magazine for, oh, at least five years now. Perhaps you could answer a question for me, and explain why i would wish to subscribe a magazine which i have received, and not wished to receive, for five years?"

"I can explain to you the many benefits of subscribing to Electri . . .

"No, no, Apoo, i wouldn't wish to fatigue you unnecessarily. But do allow me to assure you that the magazine you represent is one of the finest examples of 205 pages of advertising in a 208 page magazine which i have ever seen. It is always prominent when it arrives in the mail, due to the subscription form attached with super glue to the cover of every issue. You know--the one with more than one hundred obtrusive questions, the answers to which would allow your employer to sell address and industrial demographic information about our company along with that of the millions of other fools who have fallen into that trap-of course, were we such fools as they, which we are not. We don't want your magazine, Apoo, although you do seem to be, personally, a very chaming and well mannered man."

"But your subscription might allow you to learn of new technologies and . . ."

". . . And thoughlessly buy thousands of dollars worth of equipment from largely unknown producers to sell, largely sight-unseen, to the customers who trust us to provide the best value for the money they spend with us. A sudden uncharacteristic urge on my part to spend ten dollars on lottery tickets this evening on my way home, might also allow me to suddenly attain the state of millionaire, never to take a call from you again-but i hold out as much hope for that as i do the prospect of getting high quality equipment from your suppliers with full customer support and a three year warranty. You know, the kind of deal we get from the reputable manufacturers from whom we currently purchase our equipment? No, no . . . I'm sorry, Apoo, it has been a pleasant interlude to have goofed off for a few minutes speaking to you, as opposed to doing the productive work for which i am paid, on the assumption that I'm actually doing something productive. You have a good morning, Apoo, and if you will promise not to call me, i can assure you, that i will not call you."

SLAM, CLICK . . .

Entire forests are clear-cut on a daily basis for the newsprint used to produce "industry journals," the purpose of which is to advertise the products and services of companies with no presence in our area, and the reputations of which are a complete cipher to us. We receive these magazines without soliciting the honor, and we receive them whether or not we ignore them, or actually tell their telemarketer representatives that we do not want them.

But every cloud has a silver lining, or so we are assured by common folk wisdom. In this case, the only such silver lining which might accrue, so far as i can tell, is that entire villages in India are enjoying a hitherto unknown prosperity thanks to the employment afforded them by call centers. Call centers which will pay them what we consider a pittance, and they consider a good livelihood, to interrupt our respective work days with more solicitations for journals, products and services, solicitations in addition to the veritable blizzards of print which now comprise more than half of the mail delivered to us each day.

It's a great life, if you don't falter . . .