Sun 26 Jan, 2014 10:33 am
Some quick background. This time last year my wife was actively engaged in an emotional and sexual affair with another man. It lasted six months and I had no clue it was going on until she came clean, 7 months ago.. I was devastated, I experienced more emotional pain than I could ever imagined a human could endure. It is important to understand that I do not wish to hurt my wife, who I accepted back BTW, because she is the love of my life. On the other side of that coin, I feel that I am entitled to the same fun and excitement she experienced sneaking around my back, there is more to it than that but for sake of length, you get the idea. I will say though, that I have an overwhelming NEED to have an affair as part of my own healing process. If I am not at work I am home with my family, so very little opportunity to meet someone in which to have an affair with. I started joining a few of the free dating affair sites. The free membership sucks and you can't do anything except browse pictures with no way to make contact the other members. So I broke down and paid for 1 month trials to a few of the sites. From what I hear, 75% of the female "members" on most of these site are fictitious, and are there to collect email addresses for lists sold to third party marketing companies. I just kind of thought that 1 out of the remaining 25% would still be a realistic expectation. After 2 months straight on 2 different allegedly legitimate websites, I did not receive a single message from anyone. I probably sent out 200 messages to woman on the sites, and no one ever responded. I have never had a problem attracting woman before, I look a lot younger than my age, it has been frustrating. Clearly these affair/ dating websites are not going to work. The big question is, how and where can I meet a decent looking woman, to have an affair with, and who is looking for the same thing, for the same or different reasons of her own. Yeah, I feel pretty crappy about not having received any messages from anyone, seriously pathetic, right? I have never been in this kind of position before, and I really need to have an affair very soon. Any ideas, thoughts or suggestions, would be very much appreciated.
Getting an affair started? First, call the caterer. No, wait ....
Okay, see, here's the problem. You're not making any sense. You claim to not want to hurt your wife, yet you're spending a ton of time and resources trying to get an affair started. It doesn't seem to be about passion with you, attraction, hormones, etc. It seems a little more like she got hers, now I'm gonna get mine. And no wonder you've had no luck on affair sites (BTW, your entire browsing history is discoverable in a divorce proceeding, plus your credit card receipts for paying for access) - the women who do exist on them are probably seeing that it's less about attraction and more about passive-aggressive revenge. You're not treating this like attraction, hormones, or even fun. You're treating it like a job search.
Go to counseling. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200.
Why? Because you need to learn that forgiveness doesn't mean that you get to keep this in your back pocket forever. And bringing your wife back into your marriage means that you should actually work on things, to address whatever she was missing. And, BTW, whatever you are missing. You also might want to have a neutral professional explain to you that engaging in an affair as a means of equaling things is a quick and easy way to break your fragile union. You might want to also talk to this person about the cost of divorce - emotionally and financially, plus what it does to your children if you have any. And all for a little revenge tail.
Hey, nitwit: You are MARRIED. You are on-line looking for a revenge affair with some poor woman who is looking for a real relationship - something you are NOT able to have.
How stupid it that?
Get you and the wife to marriage counseling ASAP.
She made a mistake and you are determined to sabotage everything you say you wanted back.
How stupid is that?
My advice is to get off the dating sites and do what the rest of us do, hit on women at the grocery or, better, the liquor store.
Joe(what a dope)Nation
Thanks to both of you for your advice. We have been in counseling for 4 months or so, but had to take a break due to changes in our health insurance, and it has helped tremendously. I do love my wife and don't want to hurt her. It would be something that I would take to grave with me. It's not about revenge, it's about experiencing the same feelings emotion and excitement that comes with the sneaking around and the "high" of beginning of a new relationship that she got to experience at my expense, not mention that I could certainly use a self esteem booster, since that was destroyed also. I tend to generally stick to the websites dedicated to people looking for affairs, so p they already score. I've been to a couple of other general dating websites, but have no intention of deceiving any one. I would be very up front with anyone that inquires further about me or my intentions. You can call me stupid, irrational, or any other name that you so wish. I need this for my healing and ability to move past the life destroying event and to finally forgive her. In fact the thought of having an affair is what has kept me going since she dropped the bomb. Again thanks to both of for replying, unfortunately you have provided no insight or guidance pertaining to the dilemma at hand. Is there anyone else out there that can assist me in getting an affair started?
From what I hear, affairs can cause a heck of a lot of emotional turmoil for the man and woman so there's always that risk.
Things can get dangerous when one of them decides the affair has run its course and wants to end it, but the other one DOESN'T or CAN'T end it because they've become emotionally bonded to the other person.
For example there was a case in the Brit news only this week where a guy split from his lover, so she deliberately mowed him and his new girlfriend down with her car and got 7 years jail. (They survived with serious injuries).
And of course we've all seen what happened to Michael Douglas in 'Fatal Attraction' when he split with Glenn Close..
Joe, you are being very selfish.
Need some advice on getting an affair started.
Why the hell would you ask such a question.
Clearly none of you have been in this situation.
It's not that you have no choice...you are choosing
I doubt any responsible person here will help you in your quest. But, I will give you one piece of positive advice. Ask your wife. If she is fine with you screwing someone new so you can get the same thrill she had, then go for it. Once you tell us she is ok with it, then maybe you will get the advice you are seeking.