The Three Billygoats Gruff
Many years ago, in the Khwarism kingdom, the empire centered
around the cities of Samarkand, Bukhara, and Gurgange in the territory
now called Uzbekistan, there was a bridge across a narrow section of
the Syr Daria river and this bridge was guarded by a troll, named Ali
Mohammed Qa-eelbasi. This was before the padishah Mohammed of the Khwarism
empire burned the beards off of four of the infidel dog Chengis Khan's
ambassadors and Chengis Khan reduced that entire territory to a smoking
ruin (may he who cannot take a joke endure Allah's curse).
Now, this Ali Mohammed Qa-eelbasi was quite wealthy by inheritance and by
dint of clever investment strategies and stock trading and, having no need
of money or wealth beyond his possessions, and being an islamic troll,
rather than demanding money from travellers seeking to cross his bridge,
was in the habit of demanding various other favors from them.
One morning while Ali Mohammed was guarding his bridge and attempting to
catch fish in the Syr Daria, he heard the light clatter of little hooves
on the wooden planks of his bridge and looked up to see a little billygoat
traipsing across the bridge, trippity, clippity, clippity, trippity, and
this little goat (Allah be praised!!) had glossy white fur and flowers in his
mane, and was wearing a silk petticoat with what appeared to be lace panties
underneath, Ali Mohammed could not be quite certain, and a little training
bra from Bloomingdales', and had a coy smile upon his face.
"ALLAH BE PRAISED"!! shouted Ali Mohammed! Surely the faithful shall prosper,
this must be my lucky day!!!!
And, the little goat looked at Ali Mohammed, the coy smile still on his
lips, and said:
"Verily, I should be happy for you to have your way with
me and ravish me to your heart's content but, were you to do
that, you would then be too exhausted to appreciate my brother
when he passes this way. He is only a short distance behind me
and he is a larger, finer and more lovely goat than I; he buys ALL
of his clothing from Victoria's Secret."
Now, when Ali Mohammed heard this, he was overcome with passion and desire,
and could scarcely restrain himself; nonetheless, he replied: "Go then,
with Allah's blessing", and allowed the little goat to cross the bridge
unmolested. "I shall (eagerly) await your brother!"
Ali Mohammed went back to his efforts to catch fish and, about a half hour
later, he heard a somewhat heavier fall of hooves across the wooden planks
of his bridge: clippity cloppity clop, clippity cloppity clop, and Ali
Mohammed looked up to a sight which aroused within him a veritable paroxism
of passion. This was a larger goat with a gossamer veil over his face, red
roses braided into his glossy white silky fur all around, a golden necklace
and the thinnest sort of a purple gossamer bodice of finest khitan silk,
and dark, brown bedroom eyes.
"ALLAH BE PRAISED!!!" shouted Ali Mohammed, "Verily, this must be the luckiest
day of my life, for surely no troll has ever beheld so lovely, and desirable,
and alluring a goat as thee!"
"Patience!" replied the goat. "Surely you might have me if you wish, but
then you would be too exhausted to appreciate my eldest brother, who travels
only a short distance behind me. He is the sexiest and most voluptuous and
alluring goat in all the world, and he buys ALL of his clothing at Sexy Sadies
Midnight Boutique. Verily, were he standing here beside me, you would not
notice me at all!"
Ali Mohammed somehow or other managed to restrain his lust and passion and allowed
this goat to pass as well and, after ten or twelve minutes when he collected
his wits and got his pulse and breath back under control, returned to his fishing
Now when the eldest brother amongst the three goats came up to the bridge over
the Syr Daria river and walked upon its wooden planks, Ali Mohammed did not notice
at first, because this goat's hooves, for some reason, made no noise. Ali
Mohammed was in fact taken by complete surprise as this third goat walked up to
within five feet before the troll ever saw him at all. This goat had a silken
veil as did the second goat, and gossamer clothing but, underneath the gossamer,
appeared to be a very strange goat indeed, yellowish with black stripes, a long
tail, fearsome claws, and huge, very non-goatlike teeth. This third goat spoke
Bless, O Lord, this food to my use and me to thy service, and make me ever
mindful of the needs of others through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
and, with that, seized the unlucky troll in his mighty jaws, chewed him into
bitesized pieces, and wolfed him down.