@Linkat,
Quote:They were broken up before she even knew she was pregnant. So the dad has had no contact with the baby whatsoever.
The "father" in this particular case is little more than a sperm donor. Apart from never having had any contact with this child, he's never exercised any responsibly for this child's care and welfare in any regard--in no way has he functioned as a parent.
Nor is it clear, at all, from the OP that he even really wants to see this child now--three years after that child was born. This seems to be all a conflict going on in the mother's mind, about whether she should take the child to visit him, out of "sympathy" for the man. But we don't know what that "sympathy" is based on, nor do we know whether a longing, or real burning desire, to see his child is any part of that, nor do we know why it's taken 3 years for the matter of a visit with the child to suddenly become an issue for either of them.
It also seems clear from the OP that the poster hasn't visited this man in prison for the past 3 years because she seems to have no idea what the environment in a prison is like, particularly for visitors. Her contacts with him are through letters, and we have no idea why she's maintaining even that contact with him--that could be simply out of "sympathy" for him because he's feeling lonely and isolated from the outside world, or it might be for other reasons.
My first suggestion for the OP, if she is at all serious about taking this child for a visit to a prison, is that she goes for a visit by herself first, so she can see first hand what that experience is like, and what the place looks like.
This man, since he's doing a life sentence, is likely in a maximum security prison, and the security checks on visitors will make her aware of that, if all the barbed wire, and outside guards, surrounding the place doesn't do that first. All those security checks, to make sure visitors aren't bringing in contraband, usually result in waits on long lines on visiting days, sometimes even before you can enter the actual prison doors. And, once you enter, you find locked gates, and correction officers every few feet--and they will regard her suspiciously, and keep an eye on her, both to protect her, but to be sure she's not doing anything to violate their rules, or to bring in anything not allowed in the facility. This isn't like visiting a hospital, or going through security at an airport, she's going to know she's in a prison, and a maximum security prison to boot. And, once she's allowed to see this man, it will likely be through a glass partition rather than in an open visiting room.
Let her visit the prison first, and then decide whether this is an atmosphere she really wants to expose a 3 year old to, and whether she thinks she can even easily manage keeping a restless 3 year occupied and under control through what this ordeal might entail, particularly if she feels nervous about being there, and whether it's even worth doing at all, for the child's benefit.
Personally, I would not take a 3 year old on a visit to such a place, to see a "father" he has never had any contact or relationship with, particularly if the only motivation for doing so is "sympathy" for a parent, who has never been a parent, and with whom this child does not have any shared bond at all, except for some DNA. There is no benefit, to the child, at that age, for such a visit, and it can be a potentially disturbing experience for him. I would put the child's welfare first, and I would supply the man only with photos of the child, or drawings made by the child, if I thought that was appropriate.
Like everything else, questions like, "Do I have a daddy?" or "Where is my daddy?" should be answered only when they arise, and the answers have to be appropriate for the child's level of comprehension as they arise. This child may not even be asking these questions yet.
I think the OP is being a thoughtful and concerned parent by even wondering whether a visit would be appropriate for a child that young. And her "sympathy" for this man indicates she is a compassionate person. But, part of her "sympathy" for this man is based on her feeling that, if she were in prison, she'd want her children to visit. But her view is likely skewed by the fact that, unlike this child's father, she was more than an egg/sperm donor, she carried this child inside her, he was a part of her body during gestation, she gave birth to him, and she has cared for him for the past 3 years. Of course she'd want to see her child, if she was in prison, she has a bond with her child, and he has a bond with her, and it might well be a benefit for the child to see a parent he already has an attachment to and misses. But, that's not the situation for this child and this man, and trying now, to start facilitating a relationship, at his young age, and under these conditions, really doesn't make good sense. This man will never be a part of her son's childhood, and any decisions about wanting to make him any part of this child's life, with actual prison visits, should wait for a later date.
