Reply
Tue 6 Apr, 2004 12:02 am
From an email...
The division of the human family into its two distinct branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood. Humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement. Later, some of the liberals actually became women.
Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of group therapy and democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and meat that the conservatives provided. Women were not interested in democracy at that time because most of them were still women back then, and the conservatives fed them.
Conservatives are symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer white wine or foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are on liberal menus. Their women have more testosterone than the men. Liberals like deviant sex and want others to like it too. Their first successful city governments were Sodom and Gomorrah.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group Therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, golf players, rodeo cowboys, lumber jacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside government.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Conservatives believe in self defense, both at home and abroad. They own guns and use them to discourage liberals and other common criminals. They provide guns to the armed forces to discourage foreign liberals and other foreign criminals.
The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative. A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where I might locate your master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch ain't been born yet".
So, what'll it be? Wine or Beer? Domestic or Imported?
You know, I think I may have almost - I stress almost - smiled at that.
However, that doesn't make it anything more than a series of enervated rantings which, in itself, is a testament to the closeminded myopia that is typical of conservative thought.
While you may have intended this diatribe as a joke, it only serves as a reminder to everybody that there are throngs of Americans who really do think that way - who base thier worldview on the type of beer they drink, magic Jesus philosophy, and traditionalist rationalizations.
And thats just sad.
It started out cute, but the liberal misrepresentations under the guise of humor left me flat.
I'm rather reminded of the troglodytic type who slaps you on the back with nearly enough force to dislocate your shoulder, while telling you he is just kidding around.
Humor in the aid of partisanship is more entertaining when the weapon employed is a rapier, as opposed to a great knobby club.
Look at his avatar. That says it all. That guy isn't here for anything remotely resembling discussion. He's just trying to inflame.
Ignore him - it discourages....
Re: Political evolution theory
Tarantulas wrote:Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement. Later, some of the liberals actually became women.
I love it when conservatives engage in this kind of puerile locker-room taunting. Not only is it a rather crude form of fag-baiting, but it is inherently misogynistic. And Republicans wonder why there's a gender gap.
So keep up the good work,
Tarantulas! You are truly the liberal fifth column in the conservative movement!
And the original post was worthless.
It was a joke Wilso. Go develop a sense of humor, will ya?
That begs another question. Do liberals have a sense of humor?
Foxfyre wrote:That begs another question. Do liberals have a sense of humor?
Only if Conservatives are being made fun of...
But they squeal like stuck pigs when you poke fun at one of their 'sacred cow' issues or at them directly.
Of course The Arachniud forgets that these conservatives have tenedency to DESTROY anything they come in contact with!
While Liberals tend to seek LONG-TERM solutions that PRESERVE things.
NeoGuin wrote:Of course The Arachniud forgets that these conservatives have tenedency to DESTROY anything they come in contact with!
While Liberals tend to seek LONG-TERM solutions that PRESERVE things.
OMFG LOL
Now you see Fox...
Liberals DO have a sense of humor.
Thanks for the laugh this morning Neo. When people say such ludicrous things like that with a straight face you can tell jokesters from true comedians like yourself.
NeoGuin wrote:While Liberals tend to seek LONG-TERM solutions that PRESERVE things.
Which liberals would those be???? Certainly none of them that frequent this board.