- After more than 100 years of colonialism, false starts and poorly working heaters, Canada put itself on the auction block Friday, just a week after declaring three branches of its armed forces were bankrupt "and really really cold."
Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin was saddened by the news, but when it became evident that they didn't qualify to join the European Union because of unfair geography restrictions, leaders of Parliment felt they had no other choice.
"Of course we're European," Martin said. "Just look how we consistently condemn America and then apologize quickly afterwards so we benefit from our close friendship and strong economic ties. If that's not European, I don't know what the hell is."
Being snubbed by Europe was just part of what finally caused Canada to agree to sell. They also have lackluster television programming and recently ran out of winter coats.
Among the countries expected to bid are the United States, Iran, Syria and North Korea . The latter three expressed great interest in exploring the "Great White North" and promised it had nothing to do with their desire to invade "The Great Western Satan."
"Canada seemed like a great idea awhile back," former Prime Minister Jean Chretien lamented. "Beautiful scenery, great fishing and recreation and a never ending supply of ice."
"Who am I kidding? It's the worst, most uninhabitable place on the planet -- and Eskimos are really, really scary."
Included in sale:
1.5 million square miles of real estate. Of that 50 square miles are used..
8,000,000 pairs of ice skates -- Will split up
12 million sleds
1 million Eskimo child brides
5,000,000 curling brooms
Too many hockey teams to count
Celine Dion, Keanu Reeves and William Shatner
20 million humans (French sold separately)