Advice needed re:reclusive mother

My sympathy to you, bromeliad. It sounds worrying. I wish I could suggest a solution to the situation but I can't think of one. Maybe someone else here has a better idea of what to do? Good luck!

bromeliad - It sounds like your mom DOES have some mental health problems. Is your mother completely housebound?

IMO, you need to make your FATHER understand what is happening, and assist him in getting help. He needs to realize that the situation will only get worse as your mother ages.

Find a mental health center in your area. Maybe they can link you with a professional who could give you some help. As a last resort, try calling Adult Protective Services. That agency is usually for abuse, but they may have some suggestions and/or referrals for you.

In what city do your folks live? If we knew, we could surf around, and possibly come up with some ideas. But we need to know what is available in a particular area. Good luck!

Bromeliad--

Most areas have an emergency Mental Health hot line. Call them and explain your worries and a trained paraprofessional will make a house call.

These days a cancer diagnosis is made and verified by lab work and all manner of scans and probes. It is treated with radiation and chemo--neither of which are practical in a patient's home.

You'll have to tackle the mental health issue first.

Good luck.

Thanks, guys.

Phoenix, last night I was thinking I would try to find an LCSW to talk to my dad. That might help. But both my mom and dad are SO old-fashioned and stubborn; my dad might reject the idea.

Noddy, I was being sarcastic. I was talking to my aunt (dad's sister) about it. I told her about how I remember one vacation when I was 13 where my mom spent the whole time complaining about how she was 'spitting up blood' andintimating she had cancer. My aunt said that before I was born my mom complained of having a lump in her breast and my aunt got fed up and made an appointment for her and coerced her to go to the dr. It was a cyst. As for when I was 13, if she had anything then I doubt she'd be with us today. Meanwhile I know of a 16-yr old girl who really is fighting for her life (spinal cancer)right now; I also know of a guy my age who passed on recently leaving behind his beloved 4-yr old daughter - he went through no end of treatments trying to hang on to every last second. Hearing my mom complain just pisses me off.

As you can see, I probably need someone with some emotional distance to help us out.

Bromeliad--

Unfortunately Blue Ribbon Hypochondriacs can get cancer--or heart disease, or stroke--just like "normal" people. Remember Aesop and the Little Boy Who Cried Wolf.

Perhaps your mother is happy living with dread--her version of Battle Alertness that makes a warrior feel intensely alive.

Last night in a book on grieving I came across the observation that modern medicine can extend life, but it cannot cancel suffering. Do your parents seem happy--or at least content--as they are?

Ask yourself why you are concerned about your mother's health. Do you want to prolong her life? Or do you want her to become more "normal"?
Do you feel that you are neglecting your mother, the recluse by choice?

Lives and marriages occur in infinite variety. Sometimes sitting still and ceding someone else the right to make her own mistakes is very hard.

Hold your dominion.

I'm not really as much concerned about my mom as I am my dad. It sounds awful, but I've given upon her. As for my dad, maybe he enjoys being a martyr.

Most of the time I don't interfere. This time, though, it seemed as though my mom was slowly starving herself to death.

Also, my sister (the one I still talk to) says she feels compelled to visit them this summer to try to do something (she doesn't know what), and I feel bad for her. Though it is her choice, I suppose...

I called my dad this morning and gave him the name and number of an LCSW in the area. I thought maybe talking to someone about the situation would help him. I doubt, however, he will make the call.

This afternoon, someone suggested getting the help of the clergy. I think this might go somewhere. My mom is Catholic but hasn't been to mass in decades. I know she still has her beliefs, though, and a visit from a priest might help her out.

(My dad hates religion, but I think he would be polite).

Bromeliad--

Irony department: Loss of appetite and therefore loss of weight are symptoms of you-know-what. Your mother's choice--not your problem.

If your father is getting out and about, good for him. Martyrdom may also give him a rosy glow of accomplishment. Meanwhile, you've given him an alternative if he chooses to take it.

A priest might be a good idea if you and your sister feel you must Do Something.