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Mon 29 Mar, 2004 09:59 am
For Medusa, every day was a bad hair day, and relationship troubles were common, as her dates tended to turn into stone when they looked at her, not at all flattering for a gal, even if you are a Gorgon. The minotaur had an odd, bull-like odour, excessive upper body hair, and social anxiety disorder, which made him retreat into a dingy old maze. The satyrs played a mean pan flute, and were fun at parties, but were secretly ashamed of their habit of urinating on themselves when they got horny, a sad by-product of their goaty origins. I figure, if American television had been around at the time, these pathetic creatures could solve all their problems inside of an hour. With such awesome shows like Celberity Makeover, Queer Eye, and a host of "tell all" daytime talk shows, it would have been easy for these monsters to overcome their personal misery. Now, it's just a matter of choosing the right show....personally, I like the idea of the Minotaur going on Dr. Phil for his social anxiety and anger management, then get the Queer Eye guys to change his look and do up the maze all nice, and then get the revamped lair shown on Cribs. Okay, let's pitch some ideas here, folks.
Cav--
As far as Medusa's hair goes, your prejudice is showing. WASPS look silly with Afros. Black Is Beautiful types eschew Whitey makeovers. Living serpents cannot be coiffed like dead epidermis.
By the by, note that Medusa is female and noted for turning men--usually men who were trying to kill her--into stone. Naughty, naughty Medusa. Aggressiveness is not becoming in a woman.
Pygmalion (male), on the other hand, is glorified for carving a statue so realistic that it came alive. The Book of Myth is blank, but I'm sure once Galatea settled in, she became an excellent housewife.
Incidently, while the Greeks had words for many things, "Galatea" was christened by G.B. Shaw. The original Greek sources have a nameless statue and a nameless hausfrau.
P.S.
If you're going to "improve" Medusa for her own good, better work through a mirrored surface and have antivenom capsules handy.
True enough Noddy. Now Adonis didn't need much grooming, but would have been a great candidate for a "Joe Millionare" type vehicle, where insane women fight for his attention. Either that, or that new show where the woman chooses a man, but some are straight and some are gay, and she has to figure it out. Adonis did spurn Venus after all....makes you wonder.
Cyclops could have used a good makeover with one false eyelash with lots of mascara.
Don't forget that "panic fear" refers to the fear of mortals at the thought of an encounter with Pan. Why, indeed would satyrs wish for a make-over, when they likely amused themselves no end terrorizing the peasants. Personally, i think a more fruitful approach would be "dysfunctional divine relationships." I mean, take for example, Hephaestus--sweaty, ill-tempered, dwarf-like husband of Aphrodite. Now tell that boy didn't have a back hair problem. And married to the Goddess of love? That had to be a walking, talking all-day nightmare. And what about Zeus and Hera? Here she is, on about her girdle all the damn time (personally, i have no sympathy for women who still wear foundation garments), while her hubby is schtupping anything that moves, and a good many things that don't. That boy could not keep it in his robes to save his soul (if you'll pardon the expression). This stuff had day-time tv hit written all over it.
Adonis hat a lot of problems. According to Sir Paul Harvey's Oxford Companion to Classical Literature
Adonis a beautiful youth sprung from the unnatural love of Myrrha (or Smyrna) for her father Cinyras, king of Cypr4us, with which she had been smitten by Aphrodite for refusing to honor the goddess.
When Cinyras, discovering the crime, sought to kill Myrrha, she was changed into a myrtle from which Adonis was born.
Aphrodite fell in love with Adonis and when he was killed by a boar while hunting casued the rose or the anemone to spring from his blood (or the anemone sprang from the tears that Aphrodite shed for him).
Now I've heard from other sources that Adonis spurned Aphrodite because his heart was given to Diana, the virgin goddess huntress.
Three thousand year old rumor is difficult to sort out.
For good "daytime drama" copy, you want it to be difficult to sort out . . . the difficulter, the better . . .
I think Zeus has a couple of complications to sort out on TV. One, his need for infidelity, a simple question, and the hook: his need to turn into an animal of some kind, or an elemental in order to make it with the mortal wimmins. That's just plain weird.
Ya gotta know this daytime ratings dy-NOMITE, Cav . . .
How about Zeus and the ghost of Yeats duking it out on Jerry Springer over Leda and the Swan, and whether it really happened that way? They would need a medium to contact Yeats, which should up the ratings even more.
Real, live psychics in a stealth info-mercial . . . pure genius, Cav . . .
Cav--
You're going to have to clear Leda and the Swan with the Humane Society.
There are probably as many laws regulating animal performers as there are for children on television.
Basic question: Are we talking the Soaps or are we talking Dr. Phil self improvement? Could Dr. Phil be persuaded to play himself in a soap?
Europa and the Bull will probably have to aired after 10:00 p.m.
May I interrupt for a quick commercial?
--------------------------------------------------
Venus's House of Virgins
Will Be Holding Their Annual
SCRATCH 'N' DENT SALE
This Weekend Only!
HALF OFF!
Which half, you ask? Well, come on down
to the big pink temple and see for yourself!
Venus's House of Virgins
27 Via Appia, Roma
Or call 1-800-GODDESS
Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back!
Eva--
Are you offering ambrosia?
That would be at the Tea Room of the Gods, Noddy. It is closed for renovations at the moment, though.
Just selling slightly-used virgins for now, until I raise some cash. (Willing to negotiate.)
A little bronzing by Cellini did wonders for Medusa -
Perseus with the Head of Medusa
Very nice ossoboco, it even has a pigeon on it like most bronze statues. (What's it doing to Perseus' hair, I wonder! No regular shampoo will get THAT out.)
I took that to be his other headwing...
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