Of course I consider your critique, I guess I'm just defending what I believe to be the purpose of the essay.
Point taken. However, if you are outright asking for critiques, isn't the point not to be defensive? Also is the exact purpose of this essay (beyond the fact you want to transfer to UT) written in stone, see below...
If I were to alter the second paragraph, I would forfeit the entire composition of the essay (which in this case is the concept of change).
Rather than the concept of change, why not try the evolution/growth in your life? How about the concept of transition? One does not have to show they started off furious and arrogant to show growth toward adulthood and maturity, and the acceptance of life's circumstances, with the end result of personal improvement. Instead of saying you were furious, how about indicating you were temporarily thrown by the curve ball life threw at you? Hey, forgive this lousy metaphor, I just woke up and am my first cup.
Do I regret making the choices I made? Of course. I graduated high school as a summa cum laude and ended up in a junior college because of the poor choices I made. Now I'm trying to set things right by transfering to UT.
That's it! Tell how because of, perhaps short timing, you made some poor choices. Now, during the subsequent years, you've had time to carefully consider you next steps, and UT is your choice.
I'm not trying to push your critique away, in fact you're the most involved out of everybody who's looked at my essay. Might I ask if you're student? And if so what school are you attending? I really would like to know because like you said not everybody's going to look at my paper the same way.
I was a student in a long ago time in a land far far away (that's a joke, coffee's kicking in.)
The reason I know not everyone is going to look at your paper the same way? Because I was a student, now I'm of the age and place in life of those who will be reading it. Not your fellow students, but your profs, administration, etc.
I've know over the years several professors, including UT. You're lucky you get an automatic transfer (that's what you said, isn't it) hopefully without losing any of your credits, since UT can pick and choose what it will accept. Do you want to stand above the crowd and get their attention, or be among the majority that can be deleted with the click of a mouse? Writing your essay is more an exercise in creative writing than just giving the story you were a kid, and are now growing up.
BTW, there's nothing wrong with junior college. Don't make the point that was a poor choice. Perhaps state you chose to go that route while figuring about your next step in your road to success.
Perhaps I'm not ready for UT because I apparently can't even write a proper statement of purpose (not trying to be sarcastic). Do you agree?
I can imagine a professor reading this sentence above and saying "You're right, go try somewhere else" You might say to me that you wouldn't say that to a prof. I'm saying you might be better served not talking about being a mad high school student forced to move. You have the opportunity to revise, rewrite and put the most positive productive spin on your essay, and look better than many others.
And yes, economist can predict the state of an economy a year from today, but that doesn't necessarily mean their predictions always go according to plan (i.e. changes in aggregate supply and aggregate in demand).
Great school.
