Parents that use the police to parent teens?

Wrong. But really, you see alot of this?

I haven't heard of this. Could you cite an article?

I have a 13 year old daughter and 17 year old son. I have heard this over and over by particular kids. It may look like I run a roadhouse, but I do allow teen kids into my home, in numbers. I supervise them, but don't dictate. These kids know me. They also know the rules, which are not unreasonable. They tell me about the police problem with their parents.

I am sorry to say this, but there are two teens I will not allow into my home because of this. I don't want cops at my door or any accusations against me that are not my crime. For my own protection, I have asked them to stay away from my home. I have not done this because of teen behavior in my home. I have asked them not to come to my home only because of their parents that call police that will be at my door. I feel threatened and can't dispute parental rights, no matter how wrong I feel they are. I feel horrible for these kids that I feel I have turned my back on because of legalities caused by their parents, not me.

This isn't because of the kids. I do enforce rules in my home. It is because of legal problems, which I know nothing about, by allowing a certain teen into my home. I am sorry for the home they have to live in. It is the opposite extreme of parental neglect, but not illegal.

I cannot allow myself to be at risk by letting these teens in my house because of their parents demands and potential legal risk to myself. I find this pathetic among adults who chose to have children, who will grow and learn. They will not be a minor much longer!

I have this knowledge only because I do allow teens into my home. These kids trust me. They openly talk to me about problems, whether it be parents, friends, or relationship problems they have. I give them honest advice. They trust me not to betray them, which I would never do to anyone in need of help.

You can never expect a teen who wishes to experiment with adulthood, as a normal process of growth, to possess the wisdom of an adult. Teens don't have my experience or knowledge about life, but I advise them to be good people and to show respect for themselves, not cave into social pressure.

I honestly feel I am doing a good thing by teens. I don't feel the same towards parents who use police to horrify their children to conform to their beliefs. Everyone is an individual and should be expected to be a decent person, but not a carbon copy of any parental demand.

I would think adults would understand this problem. My mother and I to dying day will disagree. It is my life, not hers to dictate for me. Insight is appreciated, not dictatorship. Teens feel this also. Then, their parents call the police to solve disputes.

Minors have no rights under law and shouldn't. They are not adults able to make the same decisions for themselves with a degree of responsibility or knowledge adults have. Parents of teens have the ultimate power over them.

I only question whether or not it is a parental flaw using police, as too many parents do, to settle family disputes, not illegal activity by a minor.

Don't fool yourself. This goes on all the time. I feel it is lack of parental responsibility and a waste of police time dealing with this sort of thing, but many parents use this method of fear with their own children. Police will take kids, for a few hours, to a detention center. This is at parental request with a question of law on their side.

Since parents are not able to deal with their own teen children, they do use the police to horrify them. We all know authority means 'right'. I disagree strongly with this.

b,,,,,,,,

I can't believe these people put themselves and their kids on record with the police! I like your outlook. I have 2 kids 14 and 17! I run a similar kind of "roadhouse"

You are absolutely right about turning the kids away. So many people try TOO hard to be the "Cool Parent" and over step certain boundries. They try to replace the parent. Big mistake. No one can replace a distracted parent. Never put your own family in jeopardy. I have no experience in this police thing, but understand and support your positon. You seem to have a very responsible outlook here.

Too bad kids have to suffer for flakey parents

Amazing. I've never heard of this, but I agree it's absurd.

Do the parents have reason to fear their kids? Could they be afraid of disciplining them without police backup? You do hear sometimes about kids beating up their parents.

Sounds like fear of some kind anyway, eoe!

A parent that has to resort to calling the police because of arguments with their teen children lost the argument years ago when they failed to discipline their child and set/enforce rules to begin with.

Jeez, yeah, fishin'... and think of the ramifications. Putting the names on record-- having the possibility of social service looking in. These people really do have a serious problem if they are calling the police over things most people deal with on their own. (But as eoe suggested, maybe there is a huge problem going on). Either way, it's @#@#@'d.

Mikey, are you calling me a bitch? Go ahead! I have been called that and more. lol! My feelings are far from hurt. Still cool with each other? I hope so! That really is far from the truth if you show compassion for young people and their needs. I also do the same for anyone in need, which may make me bitchy, but not a bitch. Ok?

Fealola, I am so happy to hear that you run a 'roadhouse' allowing teens to be present in your home and feel comfortable. You are quite correct. You can't be their friend or you lose authority over them. You can be the adult that you are and offer guidance and advice to kids who need help. Good for you! Teens need adults who understand and will help them. They need to understand rules also. It is sad that so few are able to give this to teens who need help!

I take the legal risk of minor teens in my home, which other parents don't want to deal with. One teen boy lied to his father for an entire weekend. I trusted, when asked, that he had his father's permission to spend the night. He didn't and I ended up with, very understandably, an upset father with police at my door. I do understand why this boy lied.

His father forced him to lie. I do run a very supervised home. I would have talked to his father and assured him of my beliefs and complete supervision. This kid was afraid to take a chance and lied. He isn't a bad kid and feels horrible for the upset he caused me by lying and has apologized to me many times, but I can't let this kid into my home again. I don't trust his cop happy father that uses the police department to settle teen disputes.

This is one of the kids I am speaking of who has a parent that calls police over any argument that teens will often cause questioning parents judgment and evaluating it. This kid was taken to detention, utilizing police, over a parental dispute that had nothing to do with me. He bucked his father's rules. His father called the police. No illegal activity occurred at all on either part.

Utilizing police as a substitute for parenting is a fear tactic used by parents and agreed upon to scare the hell out of this kid to be more obedient and conformity, no matter how unreasonable his father is. The kid will lose this battle every time with unreasonable parents, even good kids, which I believe he is. These kids will have no criminal record, but police cooperation for scare tactics of imprisonment if they get emotional and disagree with a parent. This sickens me!

Eoe, I am talking about decent teens or they would never be allowed in my home. Do parents have reason to fear these kids? Never. I know them very well. There have been too many I wish that I could adopt and give them something better.

There is such a thing as parents who cannot cut apron strings, which goes to fathers also. Parents do often make unreasonable rules, which teens will never live up to. Parents often treat their children as if they were still two years old with no ability to think for themselves. Teens are not stupid, just lack adult experience.

Teens are very emotional creatures. They will strike back when they feel they are treated unfairly, even if they are way off base. It is a parents responsibility to teach and guide teens, not call police because of a domestic argument. This is what I have a big problem with.

Fishin', you may or may not have ever experienced awful teen behavior, which is psychologically normal for them. Your post is the exact criticism, as a parent, in which I resent. Unfortunately, too many people think this of parents. We, as parents, are NOT guilty for crimes of a stupid, inexperienced teen that we, parents, had no knowledge or approval of their actions. Parents really do not have that much control over older children.

Teens are a parental nightmare. To use my own teen children for an example, they were fine until puberty and then seemed to go completely insane. They think much more of peer opinion than a parent. They act on the need for peer acceptance, but already know parental teachings. They are experimenting with life. They don't know for solid fact that any parent told the truth and wish to find out for themselves. That is the fact of teen behavior. Parents are not responsible or negligent in any way for their behavior.

We do have to take legal responsibly, which does completely suck! I did not commit the crime. Why should I do the time? Why should I be called an irresponsible parent, because of complete ignorance, when I never was? Answer that one!! Most parents of teens are thrilled when they turn 18, knowing whatever they do is their problem, their crime, not ours being parents. I am counting the months until my 17 year old son is an adult!!

Fishin', parents, such as myself, resent this sort of opinion that we didn't bother teaching our kids and were not there for them in younger years. I was! I still have problematic teens, no matter how hard I tried. So does ever single, well intended, parent of a teen who does not do as we taught them, but uses their own judgment of ignorance.

Was I mistaken teaching them independent thought and evaluation instead of insisting on social conformity, which comes and goes with popular culture? I was not wrong at all teaching my kids this. They can take my lesson for their life. They can take a lesson of complete conformity to the psychiatrist office, in later life. I believe I did what was right by my children.

Fishin', I suggest you get reality straight. Were you not a teen at one time looking for the same as kids of today? I bet you were! Maybe you walked the line of conformity, but we are talking about young lives that have to use their own decisions about their future and what they wish it to be, not what parents want.

Teens do have values. Most unfortunately Fishin' is correct about some teens, but not the majority. I have also tried with kids that I call Throw Aways. Their parents could do the easy part, deal with young children only. They got lost and gave up on complicated teens and gave up. These parents are not necessarily people who do not care, but those who have so many responsibilities on them that they don't have anything left to give.

I also know of a very few parents who never bothered with their kids, no matter what age. Again, this is not the majority of parents, by any stretch of imagination at all. These are parents who have social services at their door and government intervention of a long time ago.

This comes from both ends of the financial spectrum. In my neighborhood, I see the parent that is obligated to their career, with no time or effort left to give children. I also had a cheap apartment where I saw parents financially struggling to make cheap rent with low paying jobs.

The demands on a parent are high. It is the minority, by a small fraction, that lets their own life be much above giving to their children. Fishin', please do not ever insult parents by such a post or thought ever again. You are not talking of the majority, just a few selfish people with children.

I am friends to kids to a small extent. I do let them know who owns this house and who makes the rules, me. They live by it or leave, now. Don't come back until you can figure out how to be a decent person, which most teens are. They do make mistakes.

Unbelievable, but these same kids do trust and speak openly to me, with no feeling of getting in trouble or being judged. This is a good thing! They are doing things that would give a parent a heart attack. They can't be honest with them because of fear.

I only hope that I can help these kids, older kids, learn self respect and responsibility, which I try very hard to teach them. Why do my teen children's friends trust me and like me when my own kids do nothing but reject? I really don't get that! These kids are not bad people at all. They just need a bit of adult guidance is all.

lol You go on this long winded rant about how I'm wrong and then throw in there that I'm right??

Reread my original post again. I never said EVERY parent didin't teach their kids. I very specifically referred to parents that have to call the police to settle arguments with their kids and I seriously doubt that is the majority or anywhere remotely near the majority.

If you aren't in that category why would you see it as a criticism and why would you resent it?!?

In regard to only one point, Wildflower - my friends who have, and have had teens recently, always make a point of speaking to the parents of any children/young people who are going to be in their house for more than 2 or 3 hours. There are NO overnights without the parents confirming it with the parents/guardians of the other children. NO meals, NO overnights. I've always thought that was a smart approach to avoiding some of the potential problems.

Wildflower, you say that you know this kid in trouble with their parents very well and that could, of course, be true but one thing that I've seen over and over again in my own extended family is how a kid can be one way with family, the personalities within the family are established, the habititual behavior has been formed, sibling rivalries are in full force, and that same kid is a totally and completely different person outside of the family. That kid may come to you humble and docile and misunderstood and at the same time raise holy hell at home, making life miserable for everybody and the parents are at their wits end on how to keep the peace.

I'm just guessing Wildflower but it sounds like you're in some kind of trouble concerning somebodys' kid and your stating your case here. Is that what's happening or am I off-base?

I'm thinking the same thing as eoe. Seems as though, wildflower, you are taking someone elses issue very personally.


I think maybe you got in over your head? Maybe crossed that line I was talking about? (I'm sure your intentions were good)

In reality, this isn't a huge social issue. Only huge if experiencing it on a personal level.

Fishin', I do apologize if I misunderstood your post. My son has not exactly been well behaved. Believe me, I tried everything with him. This is something I have been accused of before, which is the reason I found it very insulting. I wouldn't even leave my kids with anyone but family. I was there for them. I resent anyone's accusation that the stupid actions of my son are because I didn't spend time with him or teach him. I did with everything in me.

My son has a felony record for arson. He and a friend thought playing with fire in an abandon apartment kitchen sink was safe, until the fire got out of control. I was furious with him. He knows better, but is another stupid teen. Now, he is a felon by conviction. I paid a ton of money to a good attorney over this.

He isn't a bad person of ethics at all. He needs to mature and grow to adulthood. I see no benefit of condemnations by allowing police to take over parenting, even if he acts stupid, but not unethical in his immature mind. He is learning. He has learned quite a lot since that fire with every year. I will continue to protect him from himself. Is that not why they are minors and parents are legally responsible for them?

My son is a good person. He isn't mature enough to stop with stupid, spontaneous, decisions of fun just yet. You have no idea how many times my parenting was insulted because of this fire in an abandon apartment. A lot changes for a teen in each year and it has been three or more. He isn't the same idiot as he was then.

I didn't condone or accept this at all arson problem in any way. It is not my fault he did something stupid. People are very quick to blame parents, which I thought, Fishin', you were doing to me, again.

Eoe, I completely understand wonderful behavior out of teens in someone's home. My 13 year old daughter acts horrible at home also. Both of my kids have made the same attempt towards me, rule the household. I will win this one and don't need police help at all.

I taught my kids proper manners too. I am perceptive enough to know good from bad when dealing with teens. It isn't clear cut science, but you know bad when you see it. I know these kids. I know they are not bad people. I don't allow one I think are in my home. It isn't too difficult to see this at all.

I still feel calling police on your own children is a parental weakness. I strongly believe police are no substitute for parenting. I also feel it is clearly wrong to utilize imprisonment, with police cooperation, to teach a teen anything but to disrespect and resent parents.

Am I really so wrong expecting honesty out of teens? Am I to assume they are all liars? Teens do lie, but a lie does not make a liar. There is a difference.

Police Called
The only time police should be called is if the Teen hits the parents or the parents hit the Teen as NEITHER should ever be hit OR if the parents find drugs on the teen or in the teens room. The reason being is that violence is NEVER an option and neither are drugs in the parents household and neither should ever be tolerated! Save the police for these two serious problems only!

I hope no one takes this the wrong way. In the majortiy of cases, I agree, teens are a bit too old to get a spanking and using any sort of physical punishment only creates further problems. I am guessing that goes for about 90+% of the time.

I would strongly advise guidance to any parent with a teen. They are at a stage in their lives that they wish to break away from parental control. You cannot successfully use the same tactics in parenting a teen that you did when they were younger. It doesn't work.

Have you ever had a teen challenge your authority? Most parents probably have at some point. Teens are idealistic and immature, but think they know it all. They often push too far and too hard challenging your authority. Sometimes they will bite the hand that feeds them, but should never be allowed this. I have had to drop it to a level they can understand. I bite back. I will and have struck my teen kids when they are bold enough to tell me the rules. They understand that.

My parents would have knocked the living hell out of me for acting so disrespectful. I can't honestly say I didn't deserve it. I did have it coming. It was considered dicipline then and child abuse today. It is an unfunny joke to me that a parent has to put up with abuse from a disrespectful teen. They actually have to hit us before it is considered abuse, yet parents are scrutinized for verbal abuse when correcting a teen for ill behavior. What does this teach our kids and what kind of adult will this make of them I wonder? I have an idea, a bunch of spoiled, self indulgent brats.

The only way I could ever agree with calling the police on a teen over drugs is if there were dealing out of your home. It isn't leagle to throw them out. They are minors. Drug dealing can have your home on an auction block. You have to protect yourself and assets.

Calling the police and reporting a teen for smoking a joint is only going to create big problems. This causes serious problems with the relationship between you and your child. You get to show up in court. I find it inexcusable taking your own child to court and testifying against them causing legal problems. That stuff belongs on The Jerry Springer Show.

Since when did the Drug War ever stop anyone from using illegal drugs? It didn't. It created gang members and more crime. It wont stop your teen with scare tactics either, only cause serious resentment problems that will never be forgotten.

You can take your teen to counseling. It probably wont do any good either. A person has to wish to change. Ask anyone that has been involved with AA about addiction or drug use. You cannot make anyone stop using any drug unless they want to, including teens. They will just hide it better with a bottle of Visene and use dryer sheets so they don't walk in smelling like pot. Easy enough.

I suggest keeping the cops and courts out of this, unless it has come to the point that you cannot reasonably handle your teen and they are dealing drugs out of your home putting you at legal risk of losing assets. To teens, this is no big deal. If you approach them hysterically, they wont listen to a word you say. Talk to them calmly. Explain to them why they are making a bad choice. Problems with the law are real. Health problems are from cancer, COPD, and brain atrophy. Tell them about the complacency it creates in their lives. Explain to them about normal human psychological growth and how repeatedly using any drug puts that to a grinding halt. They aren't stupid. Ask them what they want their lives to be. Chances are they don't know yet. Tell them what their life will be if the continue with this poor choice and keep telling them. It's the truth.

Don't expect an overnight miracle. That wont happen. Tell them clearly that you will not tolerate a pothead in your home and they better figure it out fast where they want to live and how they are going to support themselves when they turn 18. Make them think and don't let up on them. You can stop buying them the clothes they want anytime if they choose to destroy themselves. A lot of teens experiment. That does not mean they will be addicts. Parents can handle this situation much better than police.