Stubborn Child- Don't want to spank (all the time) HELP!!!!

I found this worked: Give her a choice between two things. It will make her think she has the power. (she's three. it's her job to be stubborn. She wants to test.)

Say : You can do this or you can do this. ( make the choice suitable to you). "You can eat the spinach or you can stay home today. You choose." Then follow through. They'll usually choose one.

That;s a little different than "eat the spinach or you'll get spanked"!

You can brush your teeth first or take a bath first. You choose which.

Eat three bites of carrots or all of the spinach. You choose. (Finagle it to the outcome you want.) In this case you want her to eat carrots.

It really work for me, believe it or not!

Re: Stubborn Child- Don't want to spank (all the time) HELP!
I'm just an uncle, not a father, and of course this makes things a lot easier. The moment the stubbornness surfaces and my nephew refuses to do X, my immediate reaction is to do nothing. Usually, fifteen minutes later, my nephew wants something from me -- call it Y. This gives me a chance to say "Sorry, I'm not going to do Y for you unless you do X first". After some serious gnawing of teeth, we usually have a deal. The approach works for me. I like it because it emphasises the benefits of working together and avoids the unpleasant crunching noises egos make when they collide.

Of course, every child and every parent is different, so I have no idea if this would be applicable for you.

I have a child who can be very stubborn at times too. The choice thing works sometimes and sometimes it does not. Many times she will still insist on her own choice. But what I say then is these are your two choices and that is it. If she still insists on her own choice then I say well then I will decide for you and I do. Eventually they will choose because if you are like me you will choose the one she would most likely not prefer. Or even worse I choose a third, like go to bed.

Onyxelle--

I suspect that your three-year-old has 32 genes from you and only 18 from your husband. You're dealing with My Daughter the Semi-Clone. Mules, the pair of you. You can't outdo her with stubborn, but I hope you can outwit her.

I'm guessing that you fight more over chores than anything else? "Pick up your room," is vague and open to stalemate. Are you going to pick up the toys on the floor first? Or the toys on the rug? Will you pick up the dolls first? Or the blocks?

Keep an eye on her, issue praise for a job well done and offer a little treat--a hug, a song, a choice of CD.... After all Good Workers like Onyxfille deserve some perks.

Question here: Does she get particularly obstructive when you're in a hurry and there is a time bind? Little Miss Mule could be trying to get your full attention. You don't have the time right then to be Nice Mommie, but Mommie The Bitch is better than no attention at all. Can you practice being Nice Mommie on the fly with one hand while the soup boils over?

Hold your dominion.

A very good friend of mine uses the blue pyjama/red pyjama approach. I can't remember what book it came from but ...

It's time to go to bed. Do you want to wear the blue pyjamas or the red pyjamas?

Going to bed isn't an optional activity, but the jammies are.

Many of littleE's activities from about age 2.5 through 4.5 went this route.

It's time for lunch. Do you want carrots or celery?

We're going to go shopping. Do you want to carry your sweater or your jacket?


(she still uses this approach with her husband. he hasn't twigged to it in about 11 years)

Ebeth! That's a great explaination of what I was trying to say. Your's is the defensive approach. Mine is after the conflict begins. Very good!

ehBeth and fealola these are great suggestions, and I have used them, but my little stubborn mule will still choose on item #3, not mentioned. I do actually as you say, do you want to brush your teeth first before bed or read a book first and she will say I do not want to go to bed even though that is not a choice. So I tell her that is not a choice, these are your choices and repeat them. If she keeps saying no bed, I say then no book.

Similiar will happen with choices of food. In this case if she chooses a third not offered I again repeat that is not a choice, these are your choices. If she chooses the third again, I say then I will choose for you.

If you have a very stubborn child, I can guarantee that she will try this, you just have to stick by your guns on the choices and then if she doesn't choose, choice for her and make it the one she would not prefer. They will learn quickly after that it is better for her to make the choice.

hmmm

i guess the third choice could be the ugly jammies that you know the kiddo hates?


I even got littleE to help me to do my laundry one day using this approach. Her mom wanted some time alone, I needed to get my laundry done. littleE got her choice of assisting duties - measuring or folding or handing over clothespins. There was no choice of not going to my house.

ehBeth and onyxelle - I try to l look at the positives of having a stubborn child. Like in the future, a stubborn child is less likely to be influenced by peer pressure, will probably know what she wants in the future and will work hard to get it. And I found at least with my stubborn little mule that she is smart as can be, she knows there are other choices and is creative enough to come up with some on her own even during the preschool ages.

Buddy of mine at work has to use the ehBeth method... with his 8 year old. She has oppositional disorder.

Where there's a Will, there's a Won't.

Also, you might find a copy of Rudyard Kipling's How the Camel Got His Hump from Just So Stories The djinn of the desert was one of my best allies. I never used him as a threat--just as a reinforcement for Sophisticated Mules.

I was a REALLY stubborn kid. One time around afternoon I think, I hit my sister or something. Anyway, I wouldn't even admit I had done anything wrong, so my punishment was I had to sit at the end of the hallway until I would at least admit I had done something wrong. So I slept that night in the hallway.