Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones

I don't understand why the professionals think your mother will be better off at home. I doesn't sound like she is safe there. What does it take to declare this situation dangerous?

Actually, she is safe - but she can easily fall down or something like it.

Certainly, this is a huge danger. And a realistic danger.

But I do agree (and in my professional work I did so as well) that the person's well-feeling is above all: "self-determined living" is the 'technical term'.

She feels despreately unhappy in a home.

I/We don't know if she's happy being alone in her illness on the other side; but it seems that she prefers this situation to any other.

So we (I) just can wait until something 'serious' happens (again).


What it takes to declare the situation dangerous? If she would not eat/drink anymore (someone now is always there during her meals).
If she would refuse to go to the doctors (she going there any couple of weeks). If .... well, there are many possible cases.

That's part of the job a the forthcomning glegal guardian if it's a situation to decide against her wishes. (If necessary, the judge will look ar it, too.)
But just now, she really can decide whatever she wants. (Nearly.)

Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones
Walter - does your mother at least have some kind of emergency call method, like a bracelet or pendant with a button to push to summon help? This of course, has limited usefulness, since if she should fall and become unconscious, she couldn't take advantage of the device.

With Bob the situation developed over a couple of months - he had been declining for about 3 years, but it only became acute when he began having the Holocaust flashbacks. He became weaker andweaker, and our Wellness people knew that transfer to ClarkHouse was inevitable, as did I. It was just a question of what particular event would put him over the line to a point where I couldn't, even with aides from our Assisted Living department, physically deal with the situation. That point came when he fell and, although uninjured, couldn't get up; he simply hadn't the strength any more. He was not a heavy man, but I couldn't raise him from the floor.

For months I hadn't been able to leave him alone because of his mental deterioration, but his decreasing physical strength was also a factor in making sure that either I or an aide was always there




Balancing her safety against her wishes is a dreadfully difficult act.

She had got one of these amulett-like buttoms, connetcted to a wireless-phone system.

Sometimes she knows what it is (and how it works), mostly not.

However, when she fall at night three weeks ago - she used it (though didn't remember). And since she didn't answer the call immediately, the nurse on duty was alrmed and arrived there 7 mins after mother pushed the button.

This balance is difficult, indeed, and means last but not least .... that I (or Mrs Walter) have be around here any day. (Again: nearly.)

(After some really bad two days she's doing quite well today: I gave her a bit more of the Atosil-like medication. I've phoned mother's psychiatrist this afternoon and we'll see her tomorrow - perhaps it's this what works.)

Walter,

I thought I recalled that your mother had wandered away once. Am I not remembering right?

Walter--

Being ethical is often much more time-consuming and emotionally taxing than being practical.

Chumley--

Your wife probably wants emotional support rather that practical help. When she's ready to scream with frustration, a few romantic gestures might work wonders for her morale and your marriage.

Holding Her Coat isn't as emotionally satisfactory for you as Giving Wise Advice, but it is more useful in the long run.

Yes to swimpy, and yes² to Noddy.

Alzheimer's and dementia are not the issues with either of the 2 moms; just the aging process and decreasing mobility / ability / faculties in the more general sense although certainly neither of them are as sharp / happy / well adjusted as they once were.

I see your point about advice making your job harder not easier, but in my case even if I offer to go over on my own to keep her company and/or do a clean up I am met with some skepticism from my wife.

In this case there are no issues of dislike vis-s-vis either of the moms, I'm fine with both of them as they are with me. I can see how that would change things in your case.

I wonder still if there is something I could get / do for my wife to aid in her endeavors.

Chumley--

I think we cross posted. Check back a bit.

In my career as a helpmeet, I've done a lot of Coat Holding.

I think thats a very sensible decision Walter. Life is full of risks, even towards the end. If mother is happier at home then I think she should be allowed to stay at home. But there will come a time when its obvious she must not be there.

Of course I dont know the details, but I think its perfectly reasonable to go with what makes mother happy for now. And if (God forbid) something happens at least you know that the decision to leave mother at home was taken in the full understanding of what could happen, and it was ultimately her choice and what she wanted.

Old people say some silly things, and some hurtful things. But anyone who knows you or has been reading this thread must realise that your mother has a good son and daughter in law in you and mrs W.

When my wife gets crabby / harsh from the discussed responsibilities, what should be easy to supply romantic gestures become much more difficult, and these romantic gestures have less long term impact.

Also, I do not deal well with my wife's brand of crabby / harsh because she will turn it towards whoever is the closest easiest access; that will most likely be me! I despise lack of civility / yelling both of which my wife is very prone to do when overloaded by the moms. You know the story of the dog chasing the cat chasing the mouse.........

Therefore, what happens is I get stuck with fending off the brunt of my wife's anger / frustration; this is not healthy and naturally makes me avoid my wife, thus exacerbating the mom's situation if anything! In fact my wife's anger / frustration does more than simply make me avoid her, it instills mistrust / discomfort in my ongoing perceptions of her. After all, who can avoid conditioning over time, not me!

This can have a spiraling / negative overall effect, thus against my better judgment and experience, I sometimes fall prey to her anger / frustration / yelling and respond in kind. I am never pleased with myself when this happens.

Your suggestion may still be the best (yet indirect) way to keep things afloat - but to accomplish this in the harsh envelope she surrounds herself with at times, is much more of an emotional burden / chore than helping the moms directly!

Also, I am not immune to conditioning such that when my wife gets overloaded / upset about the moms and takes it out on me, the net result is that over time I am being soured on the entire mom-thing much more than I would be if (as discussed) I simply did some the mom-type jobs directly, and without all the fuss.

I hope that may explain why I would rather supply more practical help than romantic gestures; not to discount your advice but my wife (in a certain sense) is part of the problem not the solution. This despite the fact that she does lots for the moms; rather ironic.

Not surprisingly, I expect you've seen similar events before, as have I, but when you're in the midst, it's not the same as being an onlooker.

Chumley--

Would you say that the Moms are one part of a larger problem?

Do you and your wife share any activities--besides dealing with inter-generational trouble?

At this time we are both kinda swamped with putting finger in various dyke's and we don't share many activities; unless you refer to quiet times / cuddling of which we are both pretty good about. I cannot really say we share dealing with inter-generational trouble at least not in a way I would most often constructive.

That said however, the mom's are not part of a larger problem so much as they are a problem in and of themselves:

a) in terms of their immediate effect
b) more in terms of their aftereffect

Chumley--

Would you say that without the Moms you and your wife would be able to balance your problems and when the Moms are factored in your personal life starts fraying?

That would be the case with my wife; as for me it's the case more because of the transference effects from the mom's to my wife to me i.e. the dog chases the cat chases the mouse routine.

Transference is a phenomenon in psychology characterized by unconscious redirection of feelings for one person to another. Only in this case I try and make my wife aware and/or she sometimes becomes aware by her own volition.

But as you know self knowledge / self awareness during periods of lucidity is not a solution in and of itself.

I prefer the mechanisms of insulation / relaxation / sleep if I find myself in a position of no-compromise overload, as opposed to what I would consider unhealthy transference.

Chumley--

Your situation sounds complex. My only advice is hanging on to your sense of proportion--and that is so screamingly obvious that it needn't be said.

I'll try!

Got a phone call from the psychiatric hopsital today: they asked the local court there for an expedited hearing to get a court order re legal guardian for her. (They think, she might be able to leave within the next two weeks; they are looking now for a room in the care home my mother stayed in.)

I could start a new business ...

I wish I could help you Walter but I know little about it.

Walter--

One of the new career fields in the States is guiding families through the maze of dealing with the elderly and with the system.

***********

Mr. Noddy is being very thrifty about hiring the nice man with the nice snowplow to clear our driveway. I'm afraid he's willing to splurge if he wants to get out, but he's sure that my appointments are going to be easily rescheduled.

I'm going to have to Take A Stand--and it probably won't be on a pedestal decorated with seasonal flowers.