Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones

Tomkitten--

Theirs not to reason why--they can't any more.

The Why Game is for the caretakers/caregivers. I find it makes a nice change from gnashing my teeth.

Just got a call from the nurse at hospice. Seems that my mom's hemoglobin is low, and her potassium is high. The doctor wanted to send her to the hospital for a blood transfusion.

I told the nurse that I did not want her to rouse her out of sleep, and that they should make the arangements for tomorrow. I will go there early in the morning, and talk to her about what is happening.

Mental decline and dependency
Oh dear! I am sorry, and I hope everything goes smoothly. Keep us posted.

Phoenix--

The trouble with being the Prop of Aging Parents is that your parents age twenty-four hours a day.

Hold your dominion.

Oy- At eight A.M. I went over to my mother's residence. It took awhile for all the hospital arrangements to be made. The ambulance took her to the hospital at around nine. I followed.

Apparently she is suffering from anemia, congestive heart failure, and chronic kidney failure. I asked the doctor about how much time that she had. He figured about 6 months to a year. I retorted, "Whew, I thought that you would say tomorrow afternoon".

The long and short of it was that her blood had developed some antibodies from an early blood transfusion. As a result, the blood for the transfusion had to be carefully matched. The doctor said that they needed to have the blood matched at a hospital in Tampa, as that hospital had more sophisticated equipment.

She went from a room in the ER, to out in the hall of the ER (she was bumped by a person with cardiac arrest), and them back into the room.

She finally got into her hospital room at about 5:50 pm, and I got home just before six.

I could tell you a lot of funny stories about the interactions with my mother all day, but I am too damn tired.
I took a stiff drink, and now I feel much better!

Phoenix--

You had a day!

Does your mother have a Living Will?

I know from Mr. Noddy's problems that the anemia is part of the kidney failure. Having been anemic myself, this could account for the decline in your mother's outraged spunk. You need oxygen in every cell for outraged spunk.

What happens tomorrow?

Hold your dominion.

Oy is right. Good though in a way to have this window into her condition.

Wondering if the reaction to the other transfusion caused hemolysis with red cells. Well, JPB would know.

Phoeniix, I haven't read this thread for several months and I see that things are getting worse. As always, my thoughts are with you and everyone else who is caught in the middle with aging parents on one side and a younger, but aging spouse, on the other. Even with one, like Noddy, the time can become like an endless tunnel, seemingly with no light from the outside.

I have a brother in Denver who is dying slowly, in a nursing home. He has mental retardation, but was high functioning and interested in life. Now, he has no control of bodily functions and has to eat food that has been processes in a blender. Quite frankly, I wish he would die. He has no curiosity, yet doesn't understand why he can no longer do anything or go anywhere. I've never been good at making conversation and can be sweet for only so long. It is getting shorter as I get older.

At least I no longer have the emotional stress the rest of you do. For me, he is gone. I just wish he didn't have to live like this, without any mental stimulation at all. Maybe, at this point, it bothers me more than it bothers him.

Death can be a bitch, can't it? I hope to have good relations with a vet when I've decided that my time has come.

Phoenix, I'm not sure how, but I'm trying to send some energy your way. You know you have my "mental" support.

I appreciate the input from all of you. Things have been really difficult for the last few weeks. In addition to what is going on with my mother, Arthur has just finished his radiation for prostate cancer, and believe me, he is not a happy camper.

I have had a difficult time emotionally with my mother. For years, I held a very deep resentment towards her. As she declined, that resentment all but disappeared, and was replaced by compassion. What I found though, was as her dementia was becoming more severe, I would see her more often, but would stay for a much shorter time. I had a bad time with the same questions being asked to me......................over and over agiain.

Being with her for an entire day was very stressful for me. I did not want to leave her until I was sure that she was comfortably settled in her room at the hospital. It was worth it, because all during the day I advocated for her with the system, (like nagging the nurses to get her some lunch, and finding a wheel chair for her, so that she could go to the bathroom, rather that having to deal with nurses and bedpans.)

At one point, I could not stand to be asked the same questions over and over again. I wrote down the answers to all her questions, and told her to refer to it when she did not understand something. She was averse to hold on to the paper!

Anyhow, as I have intimated, it is not good for my mental health to be with her for any length of time. One of her favorite expressions is, "I can't", which she used every time I asked her to do the slightest thing, like stand up from her wheelchair to get to the toilet, or move her foot so that it would be on the wheelchair foot rest.

That expression is a "hot button" for me, as this is what I was taught throughout my childhood. For years I have fought to overcome this attitude of helplessness, and have mainly succeeded. The thing is, when I hear those words out of her mouth, all the old emotions flood back, and if I did not use self control, would probably want to smack her..............hard.

I am going to the hospital a little later this morning. I plan on talking with the nurses, and just staying with her for a few minutes.

Phoenix--

I know what you mean about overandoverandoverandoverandover, including the righteous indignation of the memory-impaired that their understandable memory lapse is your fault and furthermore, you're a nasty, impatient and unfeeling person.

Sometimes granny bashing seems like a wholesome hobby--although granny dumping would be even more fun.

Then after a day of Heroic Restraint and Good Deeds to come home to a husband who is prickling with his own needs and discontents....

I'm telling Ms. Santa Claus to be sure 2007 holds a particular sort of joy and sparkle for you. You're earning it.

Oh Noddy dear, thanks for the belly laugh. I really needed that!

Phoenix--

Courage!

May today be shorter than yesterday.

Hold your dominion.

I went to the hospital this morning. My mother has had her transfusions, but is as weak as a fish. The trauma of the last two days has not been kind to her. I have been on the phone with Hospice, who works with her in the assisted living facility.

I want them to pull whatever strings that they can, and get her out of the hospital. I think that the experience has put her back quite a bit, and if she stays there any longer, the results could be fatal.

Phoenix--

Good that you have a hands-on project that doesn't require mother/daughter conversation.

Your mother must be very ill. Usually a transfusion brings automatic energy.

My thoughts are with you both.

Hold your dominion.

Mental decline and dependency
With my mother the overandoverandover was"why did you put me here?" and "get me out of this hellhole". I usually left her room (private, some of her own things, a great deal of personal freedom) in tears.

If I didn't go to see her she kept phoning and phoning; if I did, she kept accusing and accusing. All of which makes Bob's repetitious "what day is it?" "did we eat lunch?" almost conversational.

The awful thing is that I can see myself reacting the way she did, were I in the same circumstances.

Tomkitten--

That time of your life must have been Good Woman Hell.

Keep in mind, if you remember the past you are not doomed to repeat it. I know how lucky I am that my mother managed a brave decline into death, so I have a role model. You're stuck with an Anti-Role Model which isn't nearly as helpful.

Hold your dominion.

Everything is set up now. My mom is going to go to the brand new Hospice House for a few days, so that she can regain her strength. The people at Hospice were superb at cutting through the red tape. The phone lines were humming for over an hour this morning.

I went to tell my mother. She seemed a bit stronger, but was much more confused than usual. I have to go out this afternoon, so I won't be with her when she transfers. She was very upset about that, but dagnabbit, I have a life too, and everything is in place for her. I will be able to see her early this evening.

Mental decline and dependency
Yes, Phoenix, you DO have a life, and thank goodness you recognize it.

It certainly will be difficult for you, not overseeing the transfer personally, but if anyone knows how to handle these things, it's gotta be hospice. I hope that when you visit your mother tonight she will be calmer, and your mind more at ease.

Phoenix--

You have a life and you have a marriage and you're entitled to both.

What your mother really wants is her health and her youth and complete control of her own life. Unfortunately.....

Meanwhile, recharge your batteries. She's hanging in there, so you have to hang in there, too.