Mental decline and dependency
JL - Isn't it a shame that junior high students can quite easily get marijuana for their pleasure, but senior adults can't get it for health needs!
I'm speaking particularly of people in their 80's on, who didn't grow up in the era when pot, etc became readily available (never mind legally or illegally), and haven't a clue how to find it - unless they live in California...
Tomkitten. It's one of the myriad of contradictions we contain as a culture. By the way, I agree with the advice that you take care of yourself. The caregiver suffers not only considerable amounts of stress but also the danger of being more susceptible to illness herself (immune system issues).
I have had a similar experience when my late wife became demented due to brain radiation for cancer. It's a long story, but I went to a psychologist friend for treatment twice a week (support, discharge or feelings, hynosis for deep relaxation, etc.) in order to cope maximally with the stresses of living with a beloved who was no longer able to relate and whom I could not "rescue" (an issue of irrational guilt). You have my sympathy/empathy.
Mental decline and dependency
And I also have painting and my new camera. So I can keep myself occupied even if going out of the complex is a problem. And we have a really great exercise room here, with really good equipment; myself, I prefer the treadmill, but there's a lot of other neat stuff.
Tomkitten--
Quote:Unfortunately, Bob becomes agitated when I am away from him, imagining all sorts of horrors happening to me. Our doctor has suggested Aricept, but with Bob's very bad heart I'm not sure it would be such a good idea.
Trust your doctor. If he felt Aricept would cause heart problems, he wouldn't suggest it. Aricept could reduce the agitation for your your husband--and for you--when you're not there.
Does he stay alone when you're gone? Is there someone--a friend, family, hired help--who could be a companion when you are getting a well-deserved change of scene.
Mental decline and dependency
It's not so much a question of him being alone, as of my not being there.
Tomkitten, being local to you I am wishing there was a way I could help you. But, I can't think of what I could do to help.
Mental decline and dependency
Listen, LittleK - just thinking of helping is a help in itself. So thanks.
Tomkitten--
Do you think he feels abandoned or just left out? In both cases a temporary security blanket might make him happier while you're gone.
Mental decline and dependency
One of the hardest things is that Bob has nothing to fall back on - he can't watch TV, and although he listens a lot to classical music on the radio, he says the sound is pretty distorted. Conversation is difficult, and of course, he can't read. Even listening to me reading aloud (and I'm good at that, it's a specialty of mine) isn't the pleasure it once was for him; it's too difficult a) for him to hear & b) for him to follow.
One of the things that scares me most is the thought of losing his English. His native language is Hungarian and not too many medical personnel, aides, etc, speak that. Like none. Our local hospital has all kinds of Asian translators, as well as the standard western languages, but not Hungarian. And it's not the sort of language you can pick up like Spanish or French.
TomKitten--
Bob's world is getting smaller and smaller and more and more lonely. The language issue is a worrying one, but worry won't help. Postpone that worry for a day when you have time for fruitless speculation.
I can remember victrolas and I still say "stereo" when I mean a machine for playing recorded music. Would you be able to afford some sort of gadget so that he could play CD discs?
Although his world is diminishing, you cannot become his entire universe. You'll follow him to the grave, but from complete exhaustion rather than a broken heart.
Mental decline and dependency
He wouldn't be able to work such a gadget; first because he couldn't see the buttons, and second because he couldn't learn what buttons to push, anyway.
One of the problems with CDs, iPods, and so on, is that, like digital cameras, they have such small controls. Great for most people, but hopeless for the blind.
Mental decline and dependency
Because of all his disabilities, I pretty much am his entire universe, but fortunately I do have all the various occupations I mentioned. They are all pleasant distractions and I enjoy them.
One of the things I do is give book talks; another is poetry readings. Both of those are great fun to prepare, and give me something useful and enjoyable to do, thank God.
So far I'm keeping my head above water.
If you think of a way I can help, feel free to ask, Tomkitten. Meanwhile, I'll listen. Do you speak Hungarian as well?
TomKitten--
Needs must, when the devil drives.
I admire you for coping with unpalatable reality.
Tomkitten, it's obvious that you have the mental resources to deal with this impossible situation very well. If Bob were able to think clearly, he would be very pleased to know that you have such resources.
i can understand the problem of falling back on one's mother tongue .
a friend of mine had a pretty severe stroke last year , and while he has come along quite well - he's using an electric wheel-chair quite well , he has great trouble speaking english and prefers to speak german .
and the nurses and aides have great trouble understanding him .
i try to speak english with him but he answers in german !
hbg
Re: Mental decline and dependency
Tomkitten wrote:I read, on an Alzheimer's site, that it makes things easier if one remembers that the 15th repetition of a question, or other abnormal behavior, isn't the person talking/acting, but the disease. That has helped me a lot. I pass it on for what it's worth.
My mother held on to that thought while caring for my father as well, Tomkitten. Are there family members with whom you can talk regularly? I made a point of calling my mother every night during the time when she was his constant care giver. Sometimes he would answer the phone and speak to me for a moment, but usually he didn't know who I was (sometimes he wasn't altogether sure who she was either). Mom and I would talk for 15 minutes or so about anything except my father. We would recommend books to each other, or talk about TV shows that we both enjoyed, or sometimes we would share recipes, etc., anything that would give her some time to talk about her life outside of my father's care.
She eventually did reach the point where she was no longer able to be his sole caregiver, but she later told me that those few minutes a day on the phone with me allowed her enough respite from his constant care to get through the long days alone with him. Do you have a social network that you can lean on?
Mental decline and dependency
I don't have to deal with so many of the problems that others have had to face. OK, so I can't get to market, but I don't have to cook. So I can't go to the mall, but our facility has drivers who will stop at the drugstore to pick up a prescription. So I am at home 24/7 while Bob sleeps or simply sits listening to the radio, but I do see other people to talk to when I go downstairs to our little store for milk or fruit.
JPB - I have three family members who don't live anywhere near here, but with whom I'm in regular touch by phone, snail mail (one is a bit of a Luddite) or email. I find email the easiest, because I can send off a thought as it occurs to me, or stop when a topic becomes a bit overwhelming. These contacts mean a great deal to me, as these are cousins to whom I am very close.
JLNobody - Yes, I have the resources, and I thank God every minute for them. But I might not seem so competent? upbeat? well, whatever, if it were not for our surroundings. Our retirement community is very large and has many many features which make the everyday mechanics of life a lot easier, which means that even though I don't need backup now, I know it's there if I need it in the future.
You know what else I'm thankful for? MY COMPUTER. That really adds to my connection with the outside world - for example, A2K.
TomKitten--
I share your satisfaction with the computer. It can be like having an Instant Ear that you can shove back in a closet when you don't want to be listened to.
Yes, Tomkitten. I was thinking about both your retirement community and A2K as social resources for you. It would have helped me a lot if I could have talked to you guys back when my wife was in mental decline.
