My Daughter is a Cry Baby!!!!!!! HELP !!!!!!!!

Oynxelle--

When the waterworks start, lift her into the bathtub and leave the room.

Obviously this ploy works well enough, often enough that she keeps trying emotional blackmail.

Do not give in. Do not give her any sort of attention (after you plunk her in the tub) until the tears stop.

If she wants high emotion, fine--but only in the bathtub. Free speech? Only in the bathtub.

Hold your dominion.

Which one, Onyxelle? Older or younger?

Actually, for either:

Consistency, consistency, consistency. I read somewhere (ya know, it may well have been Noddy) that if you give in to a demand after they cry for an hour, all you're doing is teaching them that they need to cry for an hour to get what they want. And they'll do it again next time.

At any rate, when sozlet has done that (she has her phases), I talk to her about it, ("You're pretty sad, aren't you? I'm sorry you're sad.") but I just don't give in on whatever the reason for her tears are, if they're reasonable. But I do consider reasonableness.

Example:

Me: We're going to leave in 10 minutes, OK?

sozlet: OK!

....

Me: We're going to leave in 5 minutes, OK?

s: OK!

....

Me: OK, honey, it's time to leave...

s: <Eyes well up, lip pokes, screams incipient>

Me: <don't even try it look>

s: <seriously? look>

Me: <yes, we already talked about this look>

That usually is enough, but it took at least once of just not budging if she did scream (i.e., just leaving anyway.)

This is vs.:

sozlet: I want to show you something.

Me: Sure, honey, just a minute while I finish this.

... (3 minutes later)

s: Mama! I want to show you something!

Me: Sorry, I'm not quite finished, can you come back when the last number on the clock is five? Then I'll be done, I promise.

...

s: Mama, the last number on the clock is five!

Me: Is it, oh, I'm really almost done...

s: <Eyes well, lip pokes...>

Me: You've been very patient, I'm sorry this is taking so long, let's go see what you have to show me and I'll come back to this, OK?

s: <brightens up>

In other words, try to I use the hard line (tears mean nothing) only if I feel justified, that she is being unreasonable.

One of the things that I learned in Psych 101 is that intermittent reinforcement strengthens resistance to extinction.

Said in plain English, if you give the little darling her way even a small percentage of the time, it will be harder for you to stop her crybaby ways. I agree with Sozobe..............consistency is the key, even if it means spending more money on aspirin for you. Good luck, Onyxelle!

My kids didn't do this a lot, but Soz's idea are great. I have a niece that not only cries a river but whines and screams. It's annoying, especially when driving. We have settled on a rule if she wants to come over to my house. I say, "what aren't you allowed to do at aunty's," and she replies, "I'm not allowed to whine". We get along just fine. She doesn't do it here, because I don't respond to her when she does.

Kids have a way of knowing how to control you. She knows this drives you nuts. Kids can be master manipulators to get their way. They have a whole bag of tricks up their sleeves!

Ignore the waterworks. Pretend like you didn't even notice. This is her way of drawing attention and/or getting her way only because she already knows it drives you nuts. It has probably worked in the past or she wouldn't keep doing this. Once you stop reacting, she will stop this ploy. Unfortunately, they usually just find another one.

Kids need to come with instructions!!

I recommend beatings with a belt, coupled with long periods of isolation.

Seriously. . . I have five kids. I don't have time for a crybaby. Sure, my kids will try to pull that, especially the younger ones (we just broke the 9 year old of this, crying all the time) and if it's a public place, all the better!

What we have found to work for us is to ignore it. Found this out quite accidentally, because we had other kids to take care to take care of. They usually figure out that we don't care and move on. When they see that they're not getting a rise out of us for it, the generally stop. Right now, it's really only the 2 year old that's giving us problems. Sometimes the 4 year old (and he's the sensitive one).

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Well, yes. That's how they survive. When they're tiny babies, they "control" you by crying when they're hungry, so you'll feed them. (Those conniving little...) As they get older, their methods and their goals change, but they are still using the tools they have until parents help them refine those tools. In the example I gave above, my daughter doesn't yet have the tools to say, "I know that you are busy and have no time to yourself and really want to finish that project, but I'm only three and I'm getting very frustrated and what I want to show you something that will take just a minute, and then I'll go play with my blocks for a while, OK?"

I think we're all saying basically the same thing -- be consistent -- but I wanted to comment on the "ignore" advice.

I wasn't a crybaby. Not at all.
My mastery in manipulation was achieved using 'dont want to eat' tactics. It paid off enormously. I could get everyone work for me, my dad's auntie performing like a clown, my grandparents 'oh please dont' t do that, look at him poor boy'.

My father always said "Leave him .. don't force him to eat, he will eat when he's hungry."
But my mom always went "Hey, look at him! He'll DIE if we dont stuff a banana down his throat any time soon!".

Fortunately for my parents I did not use my powers a lot - just enough to keep the power. And, unfortunately, lose my appetite in the process.
Which only returned when I had to stay in hospital on strict diet for 10 days because of blind gut surgery..

Great advice here.

My child tried it once, well twice, with a variation.

First he threw himself on the floor with the crying and kicking. I couldn't believe it; we usually communicaated so well. I guess he felt he just had to give it a go.

I watched in amazement, then said that it looked like so much fun! I got on the floor with him and we laughed and kicked and held our breaths and had a rip-roaring good time.

The next thing he did was the whine thing. "Whyyyyyyyyyyy?"

I got down on his level and explained that he really needed a little more nasal, more through the nose, sound, and really needed to say it just a bit louder, like this, "WWWHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???"

So, we watched ourselves in the mirror, throwing the sound through our noses as loud and long as possible. What fun!

He never tried it again.

There was a time when he just plain old cried. I don't know if he was trying to be manipulative or he was just letting go of some temporary grief or disappointment. After what I thought was an appropriate amount of sympathy, I suggested that if he needed to continue crying, that he go on into his room. That crying was okay, but was pretty much a private thing, and that he could certainly come back out and be with us when he felt more like being around people.

So, off to his room he went for about ten minutes.

I have heard the word 'consistent' many times raising children. I always had a lot of trouble with this concept. Life with kids seem so inconsistent. Sometimes you are worn out and don't have the patience you do when you feel better and the same rules don't apply. Kids grow like weeds and change so fast. Circumstances are different at times.

Am I the only one who had big problems being consistent? There are some written in stone rules that are important to teach children. Don't steal is a good example. No matter what, you consistently never tolerate this behavior. There are other things that rank more as an annoyance factor that I never was to consistent about.

I have teens. A loud stereo doesn't bother me at times. Let me get a blasting headache and I act like the committed a criminal offence. I accuse them (they know I'm not serious) of trying to kill my by exploding my head. There are no rules with the stereo at all. That's not consistent! Is this type of thing an acceptable inconsistent or should my kids have rules about how loud the stereo is? Is it ok to be inconsistent with serious issues but not with annoyance type ones? I don't think that I confuse my kids, but could I be? I have always raised them like this.

Yes, I do not have the easiest kids in the world to deal with. My kids appear to have gone insane as soon as puberty hit. They weren't that bad or anything out of the ordinary kid problems before puberty. Was my inconsistency with some issues a contributing factor to difficult teens? Are teens supposed to be difficult because of hormone changes?

What you are giving your kids are double messages. "It's ok to play the stereo as loud as you want, except when I don't want you to, and I decide when those times are".

Think about it. How would YOU react to that kind of double message? IMO the real issue is respect for other people. If you are living together, you need to teach your kids that playing a stereo over a reasonable volume is NEVER acceptable, whether you have a headache or not.

If you do not teach them consideration for others, your kids will grow up with the idea that it is only THEIR wants and desires that count, and other people be damned. This attitude will then spill out into other areas of their lives.

Consistency is vital - at all times, in all relationships. Of course, that's easier said than done.

Kids need consistency to help them learn all kinds of things, including setting their own boundaries. I honestly don't think that inconsistency leads to anything but trouble in our relationships.

Actually, Phoenix, that's not far off how I was raised. Don't really see a problem with it. It's about learning to read people, and understand and anticipate their moods. Not necessarily a vital social skill, but one that can help.

Now, consistancy is good. I'm all for consistancy. But it's not a consistant world, and one must learn to adjust for change. There are more harmful ways than that to learn how to deal with it.

There are a lot of things that I never made a rule about, like the volume of the stereo. There are also a lot of things that I have made rules about, like keep your shoes off the furniture and I mean it and back it, even with guests. I also have rules which are much bigger deal than shoes on my furniture that I find unacceptable and reason for punishment, not correction.

I guess that I see some things as flexible. I don't let the boys crack the foundation of the house with the stereo and they don't, even though this is a powerful system that could blast out your hearing with permanent damage. They do get a bit loud, but tone it down with one request. I don't see it as fair to set a rule for volume every single day as if I had a headache.

I get migraines. They make you light and sound sensitive. I can only take dim light with these. If someone walks in and turns on a light, it feels like an explosion in my head. If I can even hear a stereo, I get the same painful reaction, which is why I claim someone is trying to kill me. It really is that painful and your reaction is swift, especially when you don't feel well. I don't feel it is any more reasonable to insist on a low light setting as a rule, just as I feel that teens and stereo volume should be an absolute.

My kids know that I get these horrible headaches at times. They understand that light and sound bothers me a lot. They don't necessarily know I feel horrible until they turn up the stereo or hit a light, which is painful to me and I react. They do know why I react as I do, it physically hurts with a migrane. They do as I ask, keep it quiet because they know I feel horrible and the same rules don't necessarily apply. I see this type of thing as a flexible rule. I am the adult. I make the rules. I am not unreasonable with my kids.

I completely agree with consistency on a lot of matters. I also see many things as flexible that need no rules, which would be considered inconsistent. As long as they aren't disturbing someone's sleep in the house, bothering the neighbors, drowning out a TV show someone in the house is watching, I don't see a need to make a rule about stereo volume. I do allow my kids to listen to their music in a bit of a loud tone, with exception of circumstance.

Kids are not stupid. It only takes a few words like, "We can't hear the movie because you are blasting the stereo!" or "Are you trying to kill me! My head hurts and might explode if you don't turn that thing down now!" I have had no problem at all with my kids and absolutely no rules on stereo volume. They get it and do as asked so they are not disrupting other people.

This is a grand improvement for my son!! Rules and structure never taught him much. I tried! Finally, he sees that others have needs as well and stopped blaming others for ruining his fun. This took time and patience to teach him. He has learned so much, which my 13 year old daughter now needs to learn the exact same lesson.

I think kids should be intelligent enough to understand differing circumstances that require a change. I expect them to be reasonable. Younger teens wont always live up to it, but learn, in time. School age kids should act as they are told. Kids aren't stupid and don't ever underestimate them. They do undertand a lot, but kids a famous for being self centered, all of them. Kids are given a lot of freedom as well as restriction because of age. They should not question or disobey a reasonable adult request with simple reasoning as to why.

I think all kids may learn more with areas of flexibility using common sense judgment of their own, not by rules and structure applied to everything. I am only speaking of kids old enough to evaluate and reason, not toddlers that have no way of understanding reason behind the whys of things.

I belive it really is true that we learn more from our mistakes than sucess. Allow kids room to make mistakes, but not harmful ones with areas of no rules.

If a kid (only school age and above) is inconsiderate enough not to understand that someone in the home if feeling ill or they are disturbing another member of the family from sleep, they need correction with explanation. They don't need punishment unless they continue blasting everyone out. In that case, take the sterio.

Things like safety issues down to ruining my furniture with dirty shoes are completely consistent and teaching the difference in disruptive behavior. There are a lot of things I wont tolerate, but a stereo volume seems so insignificant to me.

I also have problems with my daughter over the computer. She spends too much time on it. I ask her to get off a computer I worked and paid for and she acts like it is a basic human right that she use it. Wrong answer. If she continues to run her mouth, or even tell me to shut up, which she has done several times, she gets to stare at her bedroom walls. Nothing seems to shut her up, unfortunately for me!! It wasn't this way until she hit puberty.

I don't make a schedule for my daughter and don't feel it is needed. I can easily observe how much time she has spent on the computer. She likes to download music and IM her school friends, which there is nothing at all wrong with, but is when hours are spent doing this with no other activity. I believe there is such a thing as too much time on a computer. When I tell her she has been on the computer long enough and it is time to get off, she runs her mouth.

I don't see a necessity to allot specific scheduled times for my daughter using the computer. I do expect her to respect my words when I tell her she has spent enough time and it is time to get off. I eventually expect her to know the difference, without being told what is too much not allowing others to use the computer. She infuriates me with this sense of entitlement arguing with me when I ask her to get off the computer.

One thing I am ok about, I was off and running at her age. She is content with an IM from school friends. There has to be limits. She does need socialization and other activities in her life beyond the computer, as we all do.

The computer was intended for family use, not hers alone. No one can use the computer with my daughter. She is inconsiderate of others and disrespectful when asked to get off.

Is everyone going to tell me to schedule computer time? This isn't the real problem with my daughter. It isn't at all about the computer, but a lack of respect and a feeling of entitlement at the grand age of 13.

I don't feel consistency is the issue at all, unless I ask her to get off the computer, then allow her to continue using it. That does show inconsistency when you don't back what you ask of children. My daughter has been sent to her room many times over outburst, which I consider disrespectful and ignoring other family members who may also wish to use it. I also feel that there is such a thing as spending too much time on a computer that is not good for kids or adults.

Am I really as inconsistent as I think that I am? Is it reasonable to have areas of flexibility and expect children to show reason and respect towards others? After a lot of thought on the subject, I don't believe that rules and constant structure allows for learning experiences of circumstance and need to adjust accordingly and needs of others.

Does anyone feel that inconsistency is helpful to children to use judgment and correct as needed? This really is a good topic where parents can help parents with experience.

If you don't have kids, don't post. From my experience, people with no children have all the answers and they don't know what they are talking about at all. You can't teach experience. You have to earn it. Let's hear it from parents!!!