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Clueless Single Dad Needs Teen Advice

 
 
Reply Wed 4 Apr, 2012 12:31 pm
Daughter just turning 13 and I have raised her for most of her life. She generally is a great kid (school, friends, clubs), BUT I seemed to get a non-stop stream of attitude, backtalk, and rudeness. I would say it is 50% of her feedback. There are days I lose it and just yell back (stop, or something not too personal). Don't want that environment, but NEED all typs of possible strategies. Give me your feedback. I feel a lot of our communication SOUNDS like nit picking ("that's not the way we talk to people", "please pick up your jacket", et.) and then some TUDE back. Since I am not a FEMALE I think I'm a little bit more unsure how to respond.
 
sozobe
 
  3  
Reply Wed 4 Apr, 2012 12:38 pm
@happyiestman,
Hi there,

It's tough being a parent, extra-tough being a single parent, and I think extra-extra tough being the parent of a kid who the opposite gender.

I have an 11-year-old and one thing I've found really helpful throughout is "ages and stages" sorts of books or online resources, that tell you what to expect for various developmental stages.

I find it reassuring because so much of what we take personally is really just very typical for the age.

That's not to say that we just sit back and say "go ahead, be obnoxious, that's the developmental stage so I don't care" -- we can still offer correction and not accept unacceptable behavior.

But it can help take some of the emotion out of the whole thing. And the emotional stuff is how things get ratcheted up pretty quickly.

Anyway, I just got a book called "your 10-to-14 year old," let me look at what it has to say about 13-year-olds.
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Wed 4 Apr, 2012 12:45 pm
@sozobe,
I couldn't copy and paste, this link might work for you:

http://books.google.com/books?id=eDL6hVYf1fYC&pg=PA111&lpg=PA111&dq=%22the+typical+withdrawn+and+sensitive+nature+of+the+thirteen-year-old+may+seem+to+some+entirely+negative%22&source=bl&ots=VUnpKRp8Cc&sig=jKfDYvLCcx4d7UT-qelKZImothM&hl=en&sa=X&ei=4pV8T4y7BenY0QHRvZWEDA&ved=0CB4Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=%22the%20typical%20withdrawn%20and%20sensitive%20nature%20of%20the%20thirteen-year-old%20may%20seem%20to%20some%20entirely%20negative%22&f=false

Lots of good information there.

I do recommend the book!

If the link doesn't work, I'll try either some screen shots or just re-typing some of the more pertinent parts of it.
sozobe
 
  2  
Reply Wed 4 Apr, 2012 12:54 pm
@sozobe,
Here's one quote:

Quote:
Possibly one of the unhappiest aspects of this age is that still-vital relationship with parent, especially with mother. The specific and sharp criticism of mother as a total person, which will be even stronger at fourteen, has already begun. Many Thirteens consider everything mother does or says to be absolutely ridiculous. One mother of a Thirteen thanked us for warning her in advance of what things would be like between her and her daughter. "Otherwise," she confided, "I would have felt either that I had failed my daughter completely, or that I was a natural-born mess."


(I think since you're a single parent, a lot of the "mother" stuff applies to you, too.)
Setanta
 
  3  
Reply Wed 4 Apr, 2012 12:58 pm
I just wanted to say that you can't go wrong listening to Soz . . . she knows her stuff . . .
0 Replies
 
happyiestman
 
  3  
Reply Wed 4 Apr, 2012 12:58 pm
@sozobe,
I agree......and thank you so much!!!
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Wed 4 Apr, 2012 04:05 pm
A calm, loving father is exactly what is needed here.

After 4 kids, I recommend;
Learn to pick your battles.
Say yes as much as you can, because those No's are very important
You can say Yes, No or Is that so, then smile to most things.
Tell her you love her every day.

Good luck.
0 Replies
 
Ceili
 
  1  
Reply Wed 4 Apr, 2012 04:22 pm
@happyiestman,
I agree with all the advice above. Every kid is different and sometimes you have to take a different approach with each kid.
When my daughter was this age we called her - stomp stomp slam. I kid you not. I would routinely bet her she couldn't go five minutes without whining. I always won the bet.
I found humour really helped, almost always does in most situations. Listening, being interested and spending time with them makes things more natural, not forced. And sometimes letting them have their moments, but mostly it's about consistency. I still tell my kids I love them every time I talk to them. I didn't have a ton of rules. Go to school, do your homework, be respectful and if I ask you to do something - do it! and we will all be happy.
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Thu 5 Apr, 2012 07:44 am
@happyiestman,
Ha Ha - I have a 13 year old and yep the attitude know it well. You probably realize it is a stage - but even so you do want to stop it and make it known that it is not appropriate.

My prefered method for this age group is to take away something or "ground" them in a sense. Right now, the attitude has caused my 13 year old to have no TV for a week. It can be no facebook/no computer (except for school work), no Ipod, etc.

My husband too has a problem with yelling about it (think it is more a male thing) - my tacit - just tell them no talking back/attitude - point it out and give out the punishment. Oh and he has no problem with punishing as well - he just is louder about it.
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Thu 5 Apr, 2012 07:46 am
@sozobe,
I agree - sometimes just knowing other kids are doing this/its a stage/that it will end/it isn't personal - takes some of the bite out of it.

Or you can try military school - had to throw that in there as the ads below this showed military school for teens -overcome anger defiance,...
0 Replies
 
Peckville
 
  1  
Reply Mon 9 Apr, 2012 07:52 am
@happyiestman,
good
0 Replies
 
JPB
 
  2  
Reply Mon 9 Apr, 2012 07:59 am
We had a discussion here some time back about the "sneer". Girls perfect it by 14 and you can actually pick a 14 year old out of crowd just by the sneer on her face.

The BEST book I ever read on parenting teens was Anthony Wolf's Get Out of My Life, but first can you drive me and Cheryl to the Mall?

Link

I also found the book Soz recommended to be very helpful.

You don't have to accept unacceptable behavior (even if it's NORMAL), but do keep in mind that this too shall pass.
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Mon 9 Apr, 2012 08:02 am
@JPB,
JPB wrote:
I also found the book Soz recommended to be very helpful.


I got it from you, indirectly!

A cousin's kindergartener is having problems with her friends that reminded me of problems sozlet had at that age. I found back the book you recommended here, which was in that series. It was talking about how for six-year-olds, if you're playing with someone else that means you're not playing with me, and noted that this dynamic appears again at 11. That definitely resonated (we had big problems with that early in the year), so I went to try to find more about 11. Some of it was online but a lot wasn't so I went ahead and bought the book. Very helpful!

So, thanks!
JPB
 
  1  
Reply Mon 9 Apr, 2012 08:07 am
@sozobe,
Very Happy

You're welcome!

I found that entire series helpful.
0 Replies
 
Kayla905rose
 
  0  
Reply Tue 5 Nov, 2013 08:33 pm
@happyiestman,
You are doing no wrong? Being a single parent is not easy? My mom knew how to deal with me my dad knew how to deal with my brother? Have you tried sitting down talking to her? Taking away what may be a problem Example cell phone I know at that age that was the worst punishment for me not having a cell phone? There is always a conclusion what gets to her the most? Know when too much is to much and when not enough needs more? Hope This Helps!
0 Replies
 
 

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