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Wed 14 Jan, 2004 09:57 am
My former husband is a liar. My older son's girlfriend, with whom he has two children, is also a liar.
A recent situation has me devastated. My younger son, 19, was sent by me and his sister, 26 and married, to visit my former husband after Christmas and to take him a present (something nice but inexpensive: a stainless steel food steamer) from all three of my children, purchased by me.
During the visit, my former husband told Eoin my younger son that after his brother Nate and his girlfriend Roxxie moved to upstate NY, they called several times and made specific requests for clothing for their girls.
They moved there last January and their second daughter was born in August. My ex said he either bought the items or sent the money for them. What really made him angry, however, was a request made by Roxxie, the girlfriend, for $3,000. Allegedly, they bought things for the girls from their savings and demanded retribution.
I thought this odd. Nate was hurt that during the year he lived in my house, his father made no attempt to contact him. When the couple dropped out of college and moved up from FL, my ex paid for the move. That is the last thing he did for them. He refers to Roxxie always as, "that woman," and excuses himself from seeing them because he hates her.
The kids had taken a year's lease, rather than a nine month college student lease on their FL apt. They were told by the apt office that all they had to do was send their regular monthly rent check and things would be fine. The complex -- Palm View Apts -- immediately turned them over to a collection agency. The agency is like a dog and called both me and my former husband constantly. After the kids moved to NY, and after my daughter called her father to tell him that she was getting married, he complained to her about the calls. I took it upon myself to call his house and his second wife answered the phone as he was not there. She told me (this was in late July) that she had no idea where Nate and Roxxie were and that she had never heard from them.
I remembered my conversation with wife #2 last night which to me, along with denials from both Nate and Roxxie, points to my former husband having made up the story of the $3,000 request.
I don't need this now. I am still only marginally employed. My car has been in the shop since 2 January and will remain there until 17 January. This has me upset enough to want to vomit.
I'm a bit confused here. Let me know where I got lost.
Your ex paid for your son, his girlfriend and their 2 children to move to NY after they dropped out of school. By deciding to move they also broke their lease in FL. Your ex does not like the girlfriend and this has strained his relationship with his son.
The ex claims that they asked him for $3000. However, the ex's wife claims that she hasn't heard from them so you doubt that any money was requested or given.
Somehow, the money issues between them, real or otherwise, affect you in some way but I'm unclear as to what way.
Sorry, just don't want to say anything unless I'm sure I understand.
POM- Sounds like at this time in your life, you need to be concentrating on YOU. Let them live and be well. Your kids are grown ups, and shouldn't be involving mom in their problems. I say that the more you become involved in their lives, the more difficult that yours will be.
Sugar,
My former paid for Nate and Roxxie and then one daughter to move from FL to Massachusetts in 2002. They were students at Eckerd College during academic 2001-2002 and, instead of taking a nine month lease as both my former and I advised, they took a year's lease. They decided to leave FL as my son hated it. The idea was they were supposed to live with me for at least a year, get back on their feet financially, and return to college in either Jan 2003 or Sept 2003. Instead, they moved to NY state in part because Roxxie's extended maternal family is there and in part because Roxxie decided to have a second baby which I strenuously disapproved of.
They moved to NY on their own expense and lived with relatives there for a while, moving to their own place sometime in the early summer.
My former husband claims that they have called him with requests. He always puts "conditions" on anything asked of him. Once, I had a computer question and asked him to help me. I was in grad school at the time and writing a paper. I had notecards and books on the desk. I delayed asking for his help because I knew I would face a condition. I did. He said, "First, get this $hit off the desk." The notes and books were not in his way: the desk was 60 inch office table he bought from a former employer. Just an example: rather benign at that. It illustrates his knee jerk reactions.
My former husband says Nate stole from him because he dropped out of college. Since the money for the move, he has not even spoken to these kids.
phoenix -- Thinking about myself is a rather futile exercise. I faced the turning of the New Year with a great deal of positive energy. I never believed in resolutions and hadn't made them since my mother would hound me each December to resolve not to bite my nails (now there is a why would she care). However, I decided to do Pilates and Yoga; write in a journal and attend Quaker meeting. Well, without a car for two very cold Sundays (sub-zero), Quaker meeting was delayed. I have been practicing with the pilates rings my daughter gave me for Christmas and have made several, although not daily, journal entries and I even picked up the old dumbells and added them as a late entry into the resolution thing.
So much is beyond my control: like finding work. But I can not nor do I believe that I should separate myself from this matter. I do have address my former husband on the house. He signed my name to loan agreements as though he had power of attorney and he also made "improvements" without a building permit which the town knows about: that means they must be torn down before the house can be sold.
My 19 year old wants to drop out of school and his father told him I get no child support (he's a high school senior) if he does.
plainoldme--
You've got a plateful of trouble. Getting rid of the past is very difficult, particularly when children are involved.
At least your children are not little ones. Legally, at least, they are adults.
Repeat after me these magic words: "I know nothing about it. Why don't you talk to your son/your father?"
You can't stay in the middle of these domestic uproars--it isn't good for you and you accomplish nothing. Your anguish is wasted.
As far as the older son and the debt goes say, "I know nothing about it."
Obviously you don't want your son, the high school senior, to abandon his diploma, but if he does, he's an adult. Further, you can't support him without the child support money. If he drops out, he'll have to get a job and support himself. This is his problem, not yours--and really, not even his father's.
You pride yourself on being a good mother, a good listener and a compassionate person. Goodness and compassion aren't needed here--detachment is.
All you can do is fret and you're worn to the bone with fretting--and nothing has changed. Save your energy for some problems you can solve.
Congratulations on the Pilates ring work--and on the journal entries. Journals are much more sensible than diaries. Diaries are Every Day. Journals record thoughts that are worth recording.
Make 2004 a year to recoup and recover. Hold your dominion.
I can't imagine finding a way to express my thoughts on this which could be clearer than what Noddy has written.
I have to deal with my husband over the upcoming sale of the house in which the kids and I lived. He did several things to the house without having a building permit and the town knows this, which means they will have to be addressed. Houses in the condition this house is in stay on the market a long time.
The real problem is that he signed my name to loan agreements and the mortgage is still bigger than the original sale price, which means I will take a beating on the sale.
Talking to a man I know is a liar and who is, as one therapist described him, a "rage-a-holic" will be difficult.
I wish I could hire a lawyer to do this.
But back to the original purpose: it kills me that my former husband would make up things about his own son. This hurts more than anything he has done.
plainoldme--
Your Ex sounds thoroughly repulsive--but you know that he is thoroughly repulsive. Save your energy for dealing with the SOB and when you aren't dealing with him, let him crawl under a rock and out of your mind.
A useful old fashioned expression: "Don't dwell on your past with him or his misdeeds in the present." Your past is an enormous country with many delightful spots. Why would you choose to pitch your tent next to a metaphorical toxic waste dump? Don't dwell on his faults--move on.
Hold your dominion.
Dear Plainoldme,
This is my first time in the forum. Your post was the first one I ran across that intrigued me. I do have some advice and opinions if your up for it:
1. Your screenname immediately gives off the impression that you are feeling sorry for yourself and perhaps have a low self esteem. My advice to you is to change your screenname to...Wonder_Woman
To have to constantly battle these terms of endearment in your family
you deserve a medal and furthermore a better identity than that of
plainoldme.
2. Its obvious there are several unexplored issues between you and your
EX ( which i will refer to as the beast from this point on ).
STOP SENDING THE BEAST CHRISTMAS PRESENTS!!!!!!!!!!! Let your
children buy something on their own and give it to him. You dont owe
him anything....he is a beast remember????? : ) Anyways..............
You need to cut all personal ties with him and speak with him only when
it involves PROBLEMS with your children. Don't converse with him just
to say your 26 year old daughter won the lottery!!! NO NO NO!!!
ONLY CONTACT HIM IF THERE IS AN EMERGENCY OR PROBLEM WITH
THE CHILDREN. And please stop conversing at all with the little tramp
he calls his wife now. She does nothing but add confusion to the whole
situation. If you need to call the beast and she answers...simply say...
IS the BEAST THERE? If he is not then tell her you will call again later
and then HANG UP. Do not offer any other information. The less she
knows the better and less confusing things will be for both you and the
beast.
3. You desperately need to re-connect with your children. I am sure that at some point during the divorce they began to feel unimportant to themselves and everyone else around them. Your 19 year old son needs to understand that YOU love him and his child, your grandchild, and you need to let him know that there is someone out there that he matters to.
He didnt take either the beasts or your advice on taking out a 9 month lease. So that should tell you something right there. He thinks you both are stupid. He didnt finish school and moved to live with the beast. His priorities are not in line and he seeked the beast because he had what he needed and that was money...
Do yourself a favor...stop getting personal with the beast. ITS OVER.
Concentrate on your childrens lives!!!! Keep in touch with your 19 year old son and make sure he grows into a better father than the beast was to him. And welcome his girlfriend into your home and lives!! Even if you dont mean it. Reverse psychology usually works : ).
I wish you luck and hope you get a chance to read this.
I applaud you for surviving your divorce and recognizing the fact that
the beast is a liar and manipulator. I know your situation is devastating
but you need to get rid of the problem before you find a solution...and that problem is the communication between you and the beast...which needs to STOP...and the communication between your children that needs to GROW. Good luck.
calgon,
I haven't finished reading your piece but I have to explain something and to make a much needed correction.
I was and continue to be on abuzz under another name. Many abuzz veterans use their same nom d'email here but I wanted a fresh start and I wanted to avoid (ha!) the politics of abuzz which are dominated by some people who are at best rude. Of all the names used on abuzz, my favorite is fakename which really tickles my fancy. This person, if (s)he writes here does not use that nom d'email, but I did not think it was right to plagerize (sp?). I wanted something close to the feel of fakename and plainoldme filled the bill.
I can not tell you how repulsive a name like wonder woman would be to me. It would remind me of some of the worst of the abuzzers, people like red hot marge or steelguts, which I believe to be the same person.
Now, I think your nom d'email is clever because it says that you don't have time to relax.
The correction is I'm the only one who has a connection with the kids. I firmly believe parent hood is forever, not for 18 years, and I stress personal responsibility in all facets of my life.
calgon,
It is n't my 19 year old who has the girlfriend but my 24 year old. I'm trying to work on getting them out of NY.
i do apologize for jumping to conclusions....please forgive as I am a newbie....
No offense taken, calgon.
Today is my older son's birthday. Since he was so close to turning 24, I chose to call him my 24 year old. When we talked today, he mentioned his father's lies about him. My son is as devasted as I am.
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