The A2K Chronicles

...a naked Craven, cavorting with the Squirrel Liaisons.

"Not again," McGentrix moaned.

Meanwhile, Letty jumped into her private jet and told her private pilot Oldandknew they had to hurry to join the others in helping free Montana, Piffka, and Edgar. "This isn't going to be easy Oldandknew, so buckle up and get ready for war because we all know how McGentrix loves war," says Letty. As Oldandknew were flying along, they noticed a storm ahead. "Do you see that," said Oldandknew. " Isn't this just our luck?," says Letty. "I have an idea. I'm going to turn on the new super sonic storm engines that we just installed yesterday. Did it all by myself you know," said Oldandknew. Suddenly another jet pulls up beside them and by golly it's Phoenix. " Holy crumblin crackers, it's Phoenix," said Letty.

meanwhile, back at the karaoke cafe Gus and the Bear were accepting sexual favors from the Lipschitz twins in the dressing room when........

Phoenix's jets crashes through the building. Phoenix climbs out of the jet unharmed, brushes herself off and says "what the hell is going on in here"?

"Just a little behind the scenes negotiation for the outcome of the contest Phoenix", said the Bear, "being from Florida you must surely be familiar with this concept".

"Good golly, it's Kathleen Harris in disguise! With, with Janet Reno?" asks Setanta, looking at Bear's, er, negotiating partners. "Really, man, I thought you had better taste than that."

"Stupid smoky bar." said BPB, brandishing a large samurai sword to clear the air.

"Never mind that!" yelled Gus. "I hear there's trouble in Burkina Faso. Wherever the hell that is."

"Better be careful, farmer man." said farmerman. "I hear they eat capybaras in Burkina Faso." then, more quietly he added, "That's BF, for those of us in the know."

"BF!" yelled Gus and BPB in unison, thereby scaring away Ms. Reno and Ms. Harris.

"Keep yer voices down. You want mac11 to hear you?" said farmerman. "I hear she's got x-ray eyes and atomic hearing, and can make a mean cannoli that never quits."

"Cannoli that never quits, eh?" said cavfancier, disguised as a cruise director but still wearing a chef's toque. "That was my code name way back when, when people were free and squirrels knew their place."

Just then, mac11 walked over. "That cannoli that never quits!" she said cryptically. "You have aroused my, uh, interests."

"I am a married cannoli, you know." said cav.

"Uh, what did you think I meant?" said mac11. A long pause ensued.

"Well, uh..." the guys all looked at one another nervously and shuffled from one foot to another.

"Honestly, not everything that can be a double entendre actually is a double entendre." said husker, joining the group.

"Hey, I'm still naked over here!!!! yelled CyberCeili.
Bibliophile, who had just walked around the corner began to blush furiously. "I agree with Husker, but it hard feeling that way staring into "the Double Entrendre", if ya get my meanin'"
"Jayhus, almighty, someone throw me a blanket to cover the wee thing, and look....... that damn underwire has caused her to bleed."

At this point, the Bear..always the concerned gentleman, threw himself on top of Ceili........in order to warm her and give her an injection of much needed energy...what an altruistic Bear he is......

"Look, I got a job to do....not a musician, pa dum dum!! Hand me one of those oversize Cirkus T-shirts. Montana needs me."
"I've heard terrible things about these squirrel regulations, BF capybaras eating, cannoli loving A2kers, and I'm not sure I trust Montana's delicate sanity to your methods." she said, as she tripped over a burning piece of Phoenix's fuselage. She landed, bare entrendre up, face down at the feet of McG. She wasn't worried she knew the girls would bring help.

a married cannoli, osso howls, rolling over and over laughing on the fine carpet from, where was it again, well, anyway, a fine carpet?

So where is the plane?

As all the hullabaloo is going on at KRU, Onyxelle sits in her dimly lit basement slash sex chamber slash world domination planning room with her 'thinking' clothes on (a very well-made Wonder Woman costume). She thinks to herself that the threads of her plan are becoming undone. "how can I even begin to implement the rest of my World Domination plans when my Henchman botch the first plan? Lady O (as she likes her minions to call her) leans her head back as she wonders about her henchmen's actions. How could they let the single most important Thursday Night become so ridiculously botched? Who is this Noah character they allowed on stage? I must get someone to kidnap Montana. She is the key. I simply need to get her hypnotised to release the code which was embedded in her memory banks when she was 14. I have always thought that the faulty underwire bra would bring down any woman - but damn it!!!! These friends of Montana's are real toughies!.

She quickly sits upright in her chair, having thought of a way to kidnap Montana away from her friends. Lady O (as she likes to be called by her minions) rings the bell for her henchman to come. They answer her and in walk her 2 best henchmen...

McGentrix looks aghast as a naked Dr. Craven dances by with one of the Squirrel Liaisons.

"Please! Restrain yourself, Dr. de Kere!" McGentrix shouts.

The evil Craven raises one eyebrow, then a sly smile curls the corner of his mouth. He reaches behind the pillows on the nearby sofa and pulls out his Luv-Lock handcuffs. "If you insist," he says, looking straight at McG with a knowing grin.

"N-N-NOT THAT KIND OF RESTRAINT, MAN! We have guests!...I mean...The prisoners are here!"

Pushing Montana, Edgar and Piffka forward, McGentrix motioned for the Squirrel Liaisons to take them away. "We have a special place prepared for you," he told the three captives. "No one will ever think of looking for you there."

Once they were gone, McG turned again to Dr. de Kere, his second-in-command.

"Look, man...I realize that Burkina Faso is about as private a place as there is in the world, but still...I do wish you'd keep your hands off the squirrels. They're not your private sex toys, they're trained agents," he said huffily.

Craven frowned. Next thing you know, he'd object to playing with the Elite Brazilian Hamster Guard unit, too. What good is ruling the world if you can't have a little fun, he wondered.

Meanwhile, Eva addressed the group at Dys and Diane's in Samarkand. "Okay. Ceili planted the bugs in their headquarters in Burkina Faso. Now we'll be able to hear all McGentrix and de Kere's conversations, and we'll be able to track Montana, Piffka and Edgar wherever they're taken...."

Drom interrupted. "Why didn't Ceili the Terminatrix dispatch McG & de Kere while she was there? She had the perfect chance!"

"I honestly don't know. But she and ehBeth are back in the States now, at the karaoke bar with Gus, BPB, Phoenix, Setanta, osso, Husker, mac11, Bibliophile, quinn, farmerman, littlek, Monger, Frank, Walter and Noah the African.....oh, and cavfancier, too."

"Huh?" Gautam said. "But Cav was here just a minute ago. He was drinking Henessey, remember?"

Eva, Gautam, Drom, Jespah, Dys and Diane looked at each other in amazement. How had Cav managed that? It was a mystery.

Eva's cell phone rang. It was Letty. "Phoenix gave me the coordinates. Oldandknew and I should be over Burkina Faso in about an hour. The CSLC's HQ is identified on our maps. Shall we hit 'em with everything we've got?"

"Uh, better wait on that," Eva cautioned. "They've got Montana, Edgar and Piffka somewhere around there. I'll call you back as soon as we have a good target." She flipped the cell phone cover down and turned to her tablemates. "Now it's time to call in the ground forces," she said with a wink.

littlek wonders, as she drives home, about all she'd seen tonight. Who was that nekkid woman? What was she really up to? How could everyone be in 2 or 3 places at once? And, what was going on back stage? It sounded like a stampede. Good thing she left when she did, she had along drive ahead of her.

All the while Montana, Piffka, and Edgar were trying desperately to come up with a plan of their own. They overheard McGentrix and Craven arguing about sex toys outside the door, so Montana decided that since Craven was so horny that she would seduce him when he came in to bring lunch which consisted of peanuts, crackerjacks and a hunk of cheese he carried on his head. Once Montana had Craven's full attention, Edgar and Piffka were to tackle McGentrix from behind. Suddenly the door opens and in walks the nakid Craven. Montana goes to work and says "Wow, Mr de Kere, that cheese on your head makes you look so damn sexy and I'd be honored if you'd allow me to touch it". Craven blushes and says "do you really think so?" "Oh yes, it brings out your beautiful seductive eyes and makes you extremely irresistable." At that moment Piffka and Edgar snuck out without Craven noticing a thing, but were stunned to see Wilso right outside the door...

'Wilso!' Piffka and Edgar exclaimed, in unison. 'What are you doing here, in the middle of a Central African capital, dressed like the Indian out of the village people?'

'I'm working for Onyxelle's Camp Crusaders now,' Wilso stuttered, 'it's good pay, with input into all her good and righteous plans... and plus, the uniform was free.'

'We've been kidnapped by McGentrix and taken to his Squirrel Liaisons lair here... and Montana is still inside!' exclaimed Edgar.

'Ah, I see,' said Wilso, 'these people are exactly the kind whom I'm fighting.'

'I'm a little confused... who's in charge? Craven? McGentrix?'

'Neither,' said Wilso, laughing, 'They kidnapped CdK, forced him to read every pro-Capitalist book possible, and now he's thinking of charging €75 for compulsory subscription to A2K. We must save him. McGentrix is head of all African and Central Asian missions.'

'Central Asia?' thought Piffka, 'that's where Dys, Diane and Drom are living, with Eva, Jespah, and Gautam visiting them.'

'The real leader,' continued Wilso, 'of the whole dastardly scheme is Centroles.'

-A shocked gasp.

Finally, Edgar said, 'If the war-mongering, toot-hooting mad flapjack McGentrix is head of Central Asian Squirrel Liaisons--- doesn't that put the others in mortal danger?'

'Unfortunately, yes,' said Wilso, 'but this country is so rife with CSLC supporters that we can't warn them.'

Their thoughts went on the poor A2Kers in Uzbekistan.

'But, just for now, we should concentrate on getting you out of this whole... if we can get out, that is. I've heard that Occom Bill manages the borders here. If we do get into Mali, we'll disguise ourselves as an all-singing, all-dancing girls' band tribute to Mussolini.'

'That's preposterous!' said Piffka.

'I know; but it will only be for a couple of days... until we earn enough money to phone Diane and tell her all about McGentrix evil plans with the Sex-toy-and-penguin army...' Wilso whispered.

'What about poor, poor Montana?'

'I'm going to send a smoke signal by burning these special salmon... the Omega 3 oil in them means that our sign will travel for miles... it will travel as far as the abode of Joe Nation and Princessash, who are living together in Dan, Dan, The Pontiac Man's former office.'

'What will it say?' Edgar and Piffka both questioned.

'It will command them to get all the drunken Karaoke singers out of North Carolina, pretend to be the lyrically challenged, and say that they need to go to Uzbekistan, lest a rabid Monger kill them. When they reach Uzbekistan, they're sure to think of a plan.'

So, Wilso started rubbing two salmon together and sang 'You're once, twice, three times a lady.'

It did the trick. Over in New York, Princessash noticed the signal, and knew instantly that it was from Wilso, because of his fine salmon-handling handwriting. 'Look; it says 'Go to NC. Pretend to be lyrically challenged. Go over to Uzbekistan. Meet A2Kers holding a placard saying 'Brie, Brie, it's good for me.' They got on the road in their van that said, 'Dastardly Dave's Orange Surprises.'

Meanwhile, Ceili and EhBeth were in another Burkinan town, Kendi, listening to McGentrix talking about the values of Hello Kitty vibrators, when, out of the blue....

In walked the secret head henchman, the big cheese, as it were. Or perhaps he was the big cheesehead? No one could be sure, as his most frequently used exclamation was "NOMAH!!!!"

McGentrix dropped the official A2K hamster when the secret head henchman walked in. Ceili adjusted her remaining underwire and sat up straight. EhBeth got the dogs to calm down, even though they were going nuts over the fact that the secret head henchman was carrying a small, furless cat.

The light reflecting off the secret head henchman's head was too powerful. Its glare blinded EhBeth, McGentrix and Ceili, and then made discolike patterns on the wall. The overall effect was too much. Poor EhBeth felt herself becoming dizzy and numb, as she was hypnotised by the blinding, Donna Summer-like display of dancing lights.

A little music was added in the background. It was an old tune, which Ceili cleverly recognized as "I Love the Nightlife" by Alicia Bridges. McGentrix could still remember some of the lyrics.

"I love the nightlife
I've got to boogie
on the disco round"

That seemed to only deepen EhBeth's trance! There was but one thing to do! Ceili grabbed a handy foam finger. It said "Patriots are Number 1!" on it, and tossed it at the blinding display.

"Ow!" said the origin of the display. The music stopped. EhBeth began to wake up and collect herself. The secret head henchman stepped forward and, hissingly, said, "I am Slappy Doo Hoo. I see you have all come to my little ... cannoli party."

EhBeth fainted, and it was all McGentrix and Ceili could do to revive her, as EhBeth's two small dogs started barking and chasing the small naked cat and a large map of the world began to slowly descend from a hidden panel in the back wall.

Oops, do you mean this hairless cat?

"Slappy..." CyberCeili said to herself, nodding. "I should have known it was him all along."

The Slapmeister couldn't keep his eyes off the cyber-agent's sagging left breast. Ceili realized it would be very easy for her to win his confidence. "Now," she thought, "if I can only get a message to Eva..."

we'd be able to do something about this.

As ceili smiled at the slapmeister, he began to move forward.

At that very moment, ehBeth woke up and began to sing.

In horror,

Every living soul for 50 miles was paralyzed on the spot as ebeth began to belt out Canook Legends part 2...the hits of Anne Murray.......