The A2K Chronicles

...Meanwhile, a raging snow storm, with blizzard like conditions, was moving swiftly across the plains. In light of this, fire and rescue were saddling up for what possibly could be the worst snow storm of the century. At the local hospital, an emergency Code Blue was in process.
Dr. Colorbook, lifted her head as she suddenly heard karaoke music approaching on the ambulance ramp. Dr Clary, a cardiologist ordered a gurney stat. The two doctors grabbed it as they rushed to the emergency double doors.

"Every six weeks like clockwork" said Dr. Colorbook shaking her head in horror and resignation, " The emergency room fills with these trauma patients, scarred for life, never to be the same. All we can do is make them comfortable. "

"When oh when will these karaoke contests be outlawed"? cried nurse dlowan as she dropped the bed pans she was polishing and ran to assist, "It's especially bad on finals night". "100.00 and a "Look Mom, I'm A Star" t-shirt cannot be worth this type of carnage".

As the KRU wagon bounced over the long dusty clay road leading from the Ratzenhofer Farm, conversation inside the cab was anything but joyful. The trio that generally road this same road faithfully every Thursday evening at 7 to engage in the awesome sport of Karoke Singing, now sat as still as they bumpy ride would allow them.

Gus was listening intently, straining to hear what he could of the horror that ensued at the Karoke club the day before. LittleK's sobs became louder, rather than quieter, as Bi Polar Bear related the events:

"Gus, everything was going as it always does. The crowd was loving the singing, the contest was getting heated. Montana had just gotten off-stage after singing "Giving Him Something He Can Feel". The crowd was going wild. You know Montana was putting her all into it. She always does. We all figured she'd win..but there was one more contestant. If I were him, I wouldn't have gone on after the performance that Montana gave, but he just HAD to go on..."

"Darn it Bear! The one Thursday night I miss, something goes down. Why didn't y'all take my darned pitchfork? I told ya I'us leaving it outside the shed door fer y'all. Dang it all"

"Gus, listen, there was no indication this guy was going to flip like he did. Now be quiet, let me finish telling you what happened. LittleK, can you sob a little quieter? I know you're in pain, but I've gotta let Gus here know what happened, and I can't talk any louder than I am"

LittleK sniffled a few more times, then put her head in her hands and sobbed quietly. Looking over at Gus and the Bear while the story was being told.

"Now, Gus, like I was saying before. That guy just had to go on stage. He said he was not going down without a fight. So, he got on up on stage, and he starting singing "Blue Suede Shoes". I've never, ever, seen a rendition like that. That Noah the African can really put on a show. He can put on a show, but his show was nothing compared to Montanas.

She still won. Hands down. He didn't like it. He didn't like it one bit. He stormed off of the stage, muttering something about intelligence and generalities and truth and whatnot, but I didn't clearly hear him. Few minutes later, Montana was up on stage again, this time, she was reaching out for the Thursday Night Karoke Idol Trophy that is given by my partner in ownership of the Karoke R Us club - Setanta - and out of nowhere here comes Noah the African, barrelling down on the stage like a bat outta hell."

"Lucky for Montana, this white-haired tattooed guy in the audience stands up and swats him down with one blow. Right down on his keester he goes! Then the guy picks him up by the scruff of the neck and boots him out the door. Lemme tell you, that Noah fella ran for the hills!"

"Who was that big white-haired guy, anyway?" Gus asked.

"Said his name was Frank. Nobody messes with him around here."

Walter Hinteler snored away on the bench outside of the Karoke club. He still clutched a bottle of cheap German whiskey in his hands. A flash of lightning caused Walter to bolt upright. He tried to make sense of what was going on around him. Some sort of electrical storm raged in the vicinity near his bench. Newspapers swirled in the air as some sort of micro-tornadic activity accompanied the lightning. Walter fell off the bench and fled the area.

The swirling dust and newspaper began to settle and an orb became visible in the midst of the chaos. The orb glowed briefly, the lightning and wind stopped, and then the orb exploded into a cloud of dust and the only thing left was a naked, kneeling woman. She stood upright and looked around in a cold, calculating fashion. She was a cybernetic organism sent from the future. She had one mission.... protect Montana.

Her name was Ceili the Terminatrix.

Her head spun toward the bar as she heard a noise. Noah the African was flying through the air toward her. She saw Frank turn around and walk in the bar. Noah began to struggle to his feet. He looked up and saw the naked Ceili standing in front of him. "Damn! If this ain't my lucky day", Noah the African said, as he rubbed his hands in anticipatory glee.

"Give me your clothes", said Ceili the Terminatrix.

"Ohhhhhhhhh, my head", says Montana as Craven walks into her hospital room.

Noah stripped himself of his clothes for the sight of Ceili naked was well known to rip the will to disobey from all men. "Hah!", the Terminatix exclaimed at the sight of the naked and trembling Noah, "Another stereotype shattered".

:::giggle:::

"I'll be handling your case from now on," the doctor said to Montana. She eyed him carefully. He looked much too young to be a doctor. But as he flipped through her chart with apparent ease, she could tell he knew what he was doing.

Glancing at his hospital name badge, she said, "Um, Dr....Craven? How long will I have to stay here?"

Meanwhile outside the bar, the Terminatrix picked up Noah's clothes and began to put them on. The ratty jeans and size 13 athletic shoes were not a good fit. She would trip over her own feet this way.

CyberCeili looked around the parking lot and spied Gus and BiPolarBear. Their clothes would not fit, either. Then she saw littlek around the corner, fiddling with her bra.

"Give me that," CyberCeili said, pointing to the bra with the broken underwire.

Meanwhile, in the hospital, Craven and Montana are having a medical heart to heart:

'Well,' Craven fumbled uncharacteristically, 'yours is a severe case of Karaoke-and-or-musical-talent-show-traumu. Therefore, we have decided that you must stay in our care for the next twenty-seven months.'

'Twenty-seven months! How unfair!' rebutted Montana, 'I'd be OK. I don't need 21 months inside a hospital! I have a son, you know, and I'm meant to be teaching him.'

'SORRY!,' said Craven, 'but rules are rules. The Colombian department for Squirrel liaisons has taken over the world, and their seasonhold plan must stick, lest I die.'

Before Montana could make any comeback, Craven chirped in a blasé fashion that he was going to Burkina Faso.

'But you're the only doctor here! It's a small town, you know; who will look after me in this hospital if you're going!?'

'Oh; you're not staying in the hospital,' sighed CdK, 'you're going someplace else than that.' He and a lackey led her into a black van, and whom should she see but Piffka!

Meanwhile, a group of A2Kers are visiting Drom in Uzbekistan when the news comes through. In a commanding voice, Eva starts making her plans for Montana's rescue from the Columbian Squirrel Liaisons Committee's henchmen clear...

"Noooo, not again," said littlek. "What one earth do you want it for," she asked while pulling the right strap from her right sleeve and then starting on the left strap.

Ceili responded with a blank stare and a slight canadian accent, "I am here from the future, eh. I may be from Canada, but I'm freezing my tootsie off here, eh."

Littlek realized that Ceili was nekkid, how had she missed that detail before, she wondered. She had managed to get her bra out from under her shirt and handed it to ceili, hoping for the termiatrix's sake that it would fit. "Hey, I have some extra clothes in wagon, I threw together a travel bag because I knew this'd be a trip and a half."

They walked off to the wagon to see what littlek could spare. At that moment quinn1 stepped outside for a smoke. She looked around to see littlek walking off with a nearly nekkid woman she'd never seen before and off to the other side of the lot was a brawl in progress. She shrugged and lit up.

"Ow." said jes. "That hurt. Watch them flyin' elbows." Then muttering under her breath, "Dang karaoke-singin' bear."

Just then Monger walked over. "Got any cheese?"

"Go fish." answered jes cyptically.

The signal had been passed. All they had to do was wait.

As Eva led them down the ancient alley in Samarkand, the A2Kers began to wonder what she had talked them into this time. She stopped before a worn turquoise door with intricate mosaic inlays and knocked. A familiar long-haired cowboy opened the door, and a sweet voice from inside said, "Welcome to Dys and Diane's!"

Stepping through the narrow doorway, Eva gave Dys a big hug. "Good to see you up & around, fella!" she said. "I'm glad to see you found a good place to recuperate in peace."

Dys smiled and shook his head. "Damned neocons, I can't get any rest in the States." He walked over to the bar and began to set up a half-dozen glasses.

Diane joined the group at the door. "This was the only place I could find without CNN," she whispered. "Come on in, I'll fix you something to eat. You must be hungry after coming all this way."

The A2Kers crossed the cafe' and took the small booth in the corner. "I'll just have a Henessey," Cav said, looking at Dys who brought him the entire bottle. Drom ordered hummus on pita and a plate of stuffed grape leaves. Gautam wanted curry. Eva asked if they had champagne and truffles. Diane, ever the gracious hostess, accommodated them all.

When the feast was over, Cav turned to Eva and said, "Okay, Goddess...what's the plan?" They all looked at Eva with great anticipation. All of them, that is, except Gautam. He was eyeing the dark-skinned camel driver at the bar.

In the mean while, Dyslexia and Diane jumped in their car heading to the hospital as soon as they heard that Montana was there. On the way to the hospital Dyslexia said to Diane "I'm hungry, so we might as well stop and grab some grub before we head over to the hospital". "Hey, lets go to Bushy Bill's Burger Bites right up the road," said Diane. "I ain't eatin nothin from a place called Bushy Bill's Burger Bites," said Dyslexia, so we'll have to find someplace else to go. As they were driving along looking for that right place to chow down, they see a hitchhiker in the distance. As they got closer they realized that it was Jespah. "Well, holy smokin leggings, it's Jespah," said Dyslexia. "What the heck is that silly woman doing hitchhiking? Doesn't she know how dangerous that is," said Diane. Dyslexia and Diane pulled up to Jespah and said "what the heck are you doing girl?".

"I heard there was a plan afoot to free Montana," Jespah said, "so I hopped on the first plane to Uzbekistan. Just got in an hour ago."

"A plan?" Dys and Diane looked at each other. "So THAT'S what the A2Kers were doing back at the cafe!" Realizing they were missing the big meeting, Dys, Diane and Jespah raced back to Samarkand just in time to hear Eva's plan...

The expectant crowd of A2Kers- now rejoined by Dys, Diane and Jespah (each reluctantly brandishing 'Bushy Bill's Burger Bites doggy bags') hushed as Eva addressed them.

'I have some very important news in the fight against the Colombian Squirrel Liaisons Committee,' Eva said, 'news that could lead to our freeing Montana!'

Everyone whooped and clapped, wondering what Eva could have found out.

'This organisation is headed by none other but McGentrix!'

---a stunned hush built up in the crowd, apart from one unnamed A2Ker who made a dying whale sound.

'Now... I know that he likes the band 'Busted,' so I'm going to pretend that I'm Dys and write to him. I'll say that I'll give him free backstage passes to Busted as long as he woos Montana (Dys' ex) through his letters and offers her a date... at Bushy Bill's.'

'How romantic,' interjected Diane. 'But why would Dys want to set up his ex girlfriend with some random Conservative?' And then, sotto, 'and why didn't you tell me about Montana anyway, Dys??'

'Ah,' says the brilliant Eva, 'I'm in PR; I'm not going to set up something stupid, am I? Montana is not really Dys' ex-girlfriend- at least, I don't think so- but I'll pretend that she was. He's bitter about the whole break-up and so he's going to set Montana up with someone who seems completely mad... when McGentrix is not looking, we'll grab Montana and bring her to the safehaven that is Northern Cyprus...'

'But,' said Cav, 'could we not fight McGentrix in a faster way? Who knows what's happening to Montana as we speak!' Eva drinks some of the champagne and thinks about the plan... 'I'll get back to you in a few minutes,' she says. Cav interjects, 'we should go with this plan, but try something faster, too. I think that Phoenix has a plan to compliment the other plan.'

Most people are, by now, confused.

Meanwhile, Piffka and Montana are in the van being driven by one of McGentrix's helpers. Piffka begins to say, '

Piffka begins to say, "Where are you taking us, McG?" for the fifth time in an hour.

McGentrix nods to the driver, who pulls over onto the shoulder of the highway. McG then pulls two bandannas out of the glove compartment and gags Piffka and Montana. He has no intention of listening to any more inane questions from these women.

"Shut up, I say!" he yells to the still-squealing captives, and they finally quiet down.

Sheesh, what have I let Craven talk me into this time?, he thinks as the van lumbers down the highway toward the CSLC's private airport. A small Beechcraft awaits, piloted by Craven's handsome, loyal and politically savvy henchman, Blatham. Within the hour, they are on their way to Burkina Faso to rendesvous with Craven and the other leaders of the CSLC, all the while listening to Blatham blather about American politics.

Little do they realize they have a stowaway on board. CyberCeili, wearing only a bra with a broken underwire, had been following them all along.

The Terminatrix has cleverly hidden herself in the baggage compartment of the Beechcraft. Using the wireless communicator that is built into her left breast, she rings Eva. "I'm on the trail," she reports in. "We're headed to Burkina Faso."

It was a long and turbulent flight to Ougadougagu, or whatever the hell they call the Burkinan capitla. At times, strange beeps, Dr. Who sounds and discreet calls of 'CyberCeili III.i is shutting down for ten minutes' rest. Good night' alerted McGentrix, but he continued to think about that conservative lawyer, whose dolls they're selling at half-price. He dozed asleep. Blatham considered freeing McGentrix' hapless prisoners, but when he ventured out of his seat, McGentrix leapt up enthusiastically and stopped him. He had callously tied Montana and Piffka together, and put them in the back of the airplane with another prisoner, Edgarblythe, kidnapped for going against the evil plans of Ayn Rand. Finally, they arrived, and Piffka, Edgar, and Montana were forced into a white car that had 'I love thems chicken' written on its roof. Ceili snuck out, stopped by an unknown woman wearing leather, a headscarf, and big sunglasses. 'ô no,' thought CyberCeili, still battling with that damn broken underwire, 'it's one of the evil hoardes of Squirrel Liasons.' She ran, but the other woman was faster. The other woman then said, 'stop it, you jackass!' and revealed herself to be.... EhBeth! 'THose squirrel liaisons assholes USED me! Now, do you want to get Montana and the other captured back or not?' CyberCeili said yes, and so they both hopped into a bland little red car, disguised themselves as ballet dancers, and went off, on McGentrix's trail.

Meanwhile, McGentrix approached the Squirrel Liaisons building and brought the captured inside, to see...