How many children is too many?

Pay attention to yourself, cl.

Not that you will, you'll toss me off.

You are dealing with what I remember as an iffy guy and you are thinking of going for another kid??

Stop it. Go to planned parenthood.

We worked through it. Marriage is work so I am learning more and more. But that is part of the reason I may be self consciously thinking and didn't even realize it. Hmmm.. now I must go and ponder.

Thanks osso! Is it sad that I had forgotten all of that in the moment, I guess love does make you blind sometimes..

It takes two to tango. You need to be comfortable with the decision and it appears this is not the case. I think you should explain how you feel to your husband and ask him to put his desires on the back foot for a bit just to see how things pan out.

I worry when couples keep trying for either a boy or a girl... it often doesn't turn out how they hope and then how is the child who is the 'wrong' sex supposed to feel. You might have the space and resources to have five kids but you still might not have a little boy.

To tell you my thoughts, marriage is work on whose part?

People go through years of this.

I know you dearly love your child, and he may too, perhaps for different reasons (but I don't know that).

The decision about whether to have another kid was almost harder than the decision to have a kid in the first place, for me. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but once that happened, I just wasn't sure of the right number. Some of the things I took into account:

1.) How was pregnancy and childbirth the first time? (For me, about half of pregnancy was great, half was horrible, and childbirth was incredibly awful.)

2.) How well are you able to balance attention to yourself, your significant other, and your existing child(ren) right now? My husband works a LOT -- like 80-hour weeks -- and that had an impact on my decision.

3.) What are the personalities of the children you already have like? My kid was always "high needs" -- happy and friendly but really in need of stimulation and attention. My mother-in-law tells me that my husband was the same way, and they're both (husband, daughter) very smart. I don't think he was actually well-served by having siblings (he's the oldest).

4.) When you look 20, 25, 40 years in the future, what sort of family do you see? What do you think would make you happiest/ what would make you sad if you don't have it?

5.) How strong is your current relationship with your significant other? A new baby pretty much always puts a lot of strain on things.

6.) What is the minimum age difference between your current youngest and the possible new baby, and how does that affect your life? For example, if you currently have a 3-year-old, the next one would be about four years younger. That's an extra four years until they're all in school, an extra four years before they're all in college, etc. How does that affect your life plans?

7.) What's your money situation? Obviously anybody can have a kid, and money shouldn't be the only consideration. But it is definitely a consideration, especially if money is tight (kids are expensive.)

and in your situation, since you can't choose gender:

8.) If you're trying for a boy and have another girl, how does that affect things?

I ended up deciding to have only one. She loves babies and toddlers and is a great babysitter but says she's very happy to be an only child. I'm an only child and was happy with that (though I'm certainly not loving that all the responsibility falls on me as my parents get older -- but even then I know that in some families, the adult siblings can be more stressful than helpful).

Good luck with your decision.

is one of the kids young enough that you could start kind of raising it as a boy




(might be a good idea to start a therapy fund too)

Ah, I think it has to do with do you love this woman (or man).

And if you don't, why would you opt for more.

I think trying for a certain gender is a loopy idea. If you're both wanting more kids, that's one thing, but to try for a boy is nuts. My parents did that and wound up with 7 daughters. How would your husband feel if it was a girl?

I'm with Osso on this. Sorry to be a pessimist, but I've seen this a lot in my life. Guy screws up, knows it, and tries to tie the main woman up even tighter with another baby. Makes you more dependent and less in control. Makes it easier for him to continue to do whatever he damn pleases. I wouldn't bringing another child into this world until you are independently wealthy and can walk away from this guy without a care, but as Osso mentioned, you're not going to listen.

There is your answer, in a nutshell. YOU are the one who would be pregnant, give birth, and raise the child predominantly. On top of that, there have been problems in your marriage, and another, younger child would make it all the more difficult if you wanted to leave the marriage.

The right number of children is the number that is most comfortable to the primary caregiver, which is YOU!

If you decide you want to proceed, really really reconsider having them that close together. Do research re intellectual development and spacing of children, do research re emotional health and spacing of children.

Take a big honking look at your budget. Will you be able to live solely on your husband's income? The third child often seems to be the breaking point financially for families - don't factor in the possibility of family helping with childcare - assume you will have to handle it yourself 100%.

In not too many years, the two children you have will be calling on your resources to get to extracurricular activities. Adding a third child means you have to 100% be able to rely on your partner to take on at least some of the chauffeur duties as well as a significant portion of the responsibilities around the house.

And - no guarantees that you'll have a boy. As others have pointed out, you could end up with a significantly larger family and still no boy.

A friend of mine is the 7th child in her family as her parents were trying for a child with blue eyes. It took over a dozen pregnancies, and a lot of health scares, to get that blue-eyed baby Marie.

Once you go over 2 - you are out numbered - just keep that in mind.

On a serious note, after the birth of my second daughter (two girls like you) hubby leaned over and said should we try again for a boy - my answer - not if you want to end up like your brother with 5 daughters!

Really depends on the two of you. Two works for us. We thought and still have in our thoughts of adopting a boy - not a baby, but one of a young age. What keeps us is more time and financial. It is tough enough with both of us working and both our girls involved with various school activities and sports - and this is limiting them on what they can be involved with.

If I wasn't working and could financially stay at home - I'd most likely adopt. But that is me and my family situation.

Some people would take into account the carbon footprint of American children through what will probably be as far as 2100. And the fact that the baby has to grow old. I know a lot of people don't bother about those things but I think they should. By 2050 the lovely little lad will look like the 40 year old dudes you see all around you and be subject to similar stresses and strains.

And the cute little thing is not asking to arrive in this frightening shithole. No wonder they bawl with their first breath.

I have three children, spaced three years apart.

I remember one time as we were watching our youngest do his "wild child" thing,
I said to the Lovely Bride, "He wasn't an accident. We wanted him, we planned
for him. WHAT WERE WE THINKING?!?!?"

That said, I love them all.

Also, think about this: at some point you will have three teenagers in your house.
And if child 3 is a girl, you may have four simultaneous bouts of PMS.

You're catholic?!? Really?

You're not keeping up with modern life Ceilli.

What did I say that caused you to make your remark? I simply stated a few obvious facts. Was your sneer in the service of avoiding addressing them. 20 million barrels a day divided by 300 million multiplied by 365 multiplied by 90 can be worked out by atheists, shamans, Buddhists & Co. Plus coal, gas, wind farms and nuclear power. The proposed little loveable lad will also be 40 in 40 years and is likely to be like the average 40 year old bloke you see all the time now. He might be wearing frocks by then mind you.

As of now the mite is not being consulted. Check out the first sentence of Tristram Shandy. Consider the first sentence of Pride and Prejudice in relation to men bereft of a fortune. Both are online and a click away.

Address the post. It is better manners.

An honest bookie would offer 6 to 4 against a boy in the circumstances. If the kid is a girl he would offer 4 to1 against a male fourth. Or so. I'm guessing the figures.