Christmas Has Been Cancelled

Christmas was essentially cancelled for us this year.

My father-in-law (79) fell and hit his head on Dec 13th. He went into a coma and then died on Dec 17th. We buried him yesterday Dec 23rd.

As we drove in the funeral procession to the cemetery, I realized that the folks in other cars who saw us pass must have been thinking "God that must be horrible, having to bury someone on the day before Christmas Eve! I bet their Christmas is ruined."

During these two weeks we had intended to send out cards, shop for gifts, finish decorating the house, and hold an Open House for family and friends.

Of course, none of this took place.

My wife was very close to her father and this is the first experience she has had with the death of someone for whom she deeply cared. She, of course, mourned when her grandparents passed away but it wasn't like losing part of her life, as it is now.

Her sisters and brothers are all in town (Everyone else who flew in for the funeral left by early this morning), and we plan to spend Christmas with them and their mother.

We have always saved Christmas Eve for our immediate family, but I'm not sure what to expect from tonight. My sons and my daughter and her husband will visit, and I am sure we will take comfort in one another's company, but there will be no celebration. None of the traditions we hold for the evening will be present and everyone is both physically and emotionally exhausted from the events of the past two weeks.

I'm hoping we can muster some sort of Hallmark moment when the true meaning of Christmas will seize us and we can eventually look back to realize this was our most meaningful holiday experience ever.

I'm not holding out much hope.

The sense of being utterly spent is overwhelming. I had to get up at 6:00am this morning to drive visitors to the airport, and we had stayed up very late the night before...talking about how we should not allow our next visit to be limited to a wedding or funeral. When I return from the airport, I immediately returned to bed, but almost fell down from wobbly legs and a rush of dizziness. Just woke up about 30 minutes ago.

I knew this would be the case early on, but as it was in the future I didn't think much about how it would make me feel when it actually arrived. Now it has, and on a cold and grey day of rain and wind, visions of sugar plums are not dancing in my head.

No matter what happens tonight or tomorrow, this won't be our last Christmas, (although I'm a bit worried about how my father-in-law's death will impact future holidays), and the traditions and happiness will return. A year is long time to wait though, and I'm getting a feel for just how much I look forward to this time of the year.

My father-in-law was a warm and loving man who was devoted to his family. I've been married since I was 18 and so he has been a major figure in my life's development. We had, I think, as close a relationship as fathers and their daughter's husbands can have, and he was both a mentor and great friend to me. I will miss him deeply. His passing has put much in perspective, and is simply yet another of the many lessons of my life in which he figured.

S0, for but a moment tonight and on Christmas, consider how impermanent and fragile the joys of our lives are and if, as I truly hope, you are with people who you love and who love you, be thankful for their presence and gather their affection around you like a warm blanket on a cold, blustery night.

Merry Christmas to all and all the best for a healthy and prosperous New Year.