Why are some women attracted to bad men?

@ossobuco,

ossobuco wrote:

Well, there: more lack of comprehension.

Yes, I would say so too, but not sure it's scietific. I do belive some women who have a had a good life and are intelligent, still would choose a badboy because of compulsive behaviour.

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@classicchinadoll,

Quote:

If I can't make mummy or daddy love me I will make it happen vicariously through someone else.

I have seen professionals argue that who we pick as mates is almost completely conditioned by our relationship with our parents, always. It is not only in cases of abuse.

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@HexHammer,

I'd not argue with that.

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@HexHammer,

Quote:

still would choose a badboy because of compulsive behaviour.

I presume that you are taking "compulsive" to mean something on par with a nervous tick, when what we are talking about is a need that has not yet entered consciousness. The needs of the heart are no less real because the brain does not understand them, or sometimes even recognize them.

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@hawkeye10,

hawkeye10 wrote:

Quote:
still would choose a badboy because of compulsive behaviour.
I presume that you are taking "compulsive" to mean something on par with a nervous tick, when what we are talking about is a need that has not yet entered consciousness. The needs of the heart are no less real because the brain does not understand them, or sometimes even recognize them.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsive_behavior

Quote:

Compulsive behavior is behavior which a person does compulsively—in other words, not because they want to behave that way, but because they feel they have to do so.

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Hello? Most of us women and many men on a2k roll our eyes at hawkeye.

Talk about bad men...

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@ossobuco,

Is the main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live?

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I remember the Seinfeld episode: Elaine badmouths George to a cute employee at Peterman, who is immediately enthralled. George begins wearing a letterman jacket and smacking his chewing gum...

I was always drawn to the bad boy. I've heard so many "nice guys" complain that they are the dependable ones - the ones who work a job, pay the bills, watch the kids...and these guys are almost always treated like crap. They are being thrown over for the dark brooding guy who may slap you around, or at least leave you home crying by the phone... Maybe there's some really spicy pheromones in the de rigueur Bad Boy Hair Gel.

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@Lash,

Quote:

I've heard so many "nice guys" complain that they are the dependable ones - the ones who work a job, pay the bills, watch the kids...and these guys are almost always treated like crap

Yep, and very few of them ever wise up...they are so consumed with their opinions of what women should want that they never work on figuring out what women do want.

You will I am sure be shocked to hear that I blame the feminists for a lot of this problem....

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@hawkeye10,

This friend of mine was talking about introducing me to another of his friends that I don't know - not as a boyfriend or anything - just as a friend, and he said, 'Oh but you probably wouldn't like him - he's too responsible.'

And I asked, 'What do you mean by that?'
And he said, 'You seem to like people who have more flavor to their personality.'
I said, 'Oh, so you mean he's boring?'
And he said, 'Yeah - and VERY responsible. He manages a store and he's there working at 7 am on Christmas morning if there's work to be done- I don't think you'd like him.'

That made me laugh, but also pointed out to me that what is appealing to a woman that looks like 'bad' behavior or what men think is unappealing that looks like 'good' behavior has more to do with sameness vs. differentness.

I don't dislike responsible people. If a person can be responsible without being one-dimensional and boring - more power to him. I think sometimes though certain characteristics seem to go together and that muddies the waters in terms of perception about what exactly it is about the person the other one likes.
You may really like the person's spirit of rebellion but dislike their inability to be responsible. On the other hand you may really like their ability to be responsible but dislike their tendency to play every move by the book which results in predictability and the ensuing 'boredom', so in essence, it looks like you like badness, when what you're really expressing by your choices is that you dislike predictability and boredom.

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@aidan,

Quote:

it looks like you like badness, when what you're really expressing by your choices is that you dislike predictability and boredom.

I dont think it is only with men either, most women have a problem with themselves or other women when they are always responsible and tame (no fun). How often do women push each other to go out for some thrills? Remember the part in the movie "the Big Chill" where the Glen Close character talks about how she was cursed with being the "good girl"? Sure, there is a time for being responsible and doing the right thing, but if a person can't sometimes go the other way they are to be avoided, they are defective. And the woman who is always the "good girl" does not get very far either on the job or with men either, because this is not the behaviour that is wanted or respected.

There are both men and women who always try to the right thing, who expect everyone around them to always be prim and proper, but the conventional wisdom has always been that these people are putzes, or worse. Remember it was Winston Churchill who said 'Never trust a man who has not a single redeeming vice".

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@hawkeye10,

Quote:

And the woman who is always the "good girl" does not get very far either on the job or with men either, because this is not the behaviour that is wanted or respected.

Interesting. I'd have said there's quite a lot of incentive and pressure for a female to be a 'good' girl rather than a 'bad' girl- on the job and with men who are interested in her for the long haul as opposed to be interested in her for one night. And that pressure is certainly more pronounced for the woman in terms of its benefits - than for the man.
I guess the key word is 'always'.
Yeah, I think everyone is attracted to a little twinkle in the eye as opposed to nothing at all. It's only when it becomes a fanatical gleam that it gets scary and maybe looks like too much to handle.

I also think it depends on a person's time of life. What looks good and necessary at 25 is not the same thing that looks good and necessary at 45.

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@aidan,

Quote:

Interesting. I'd have said there's quite a lot of incentive and pressure for a female to be a 'good' girl rather than a 'bad' girl- on the job and with men who are interested in her for the long haul as opposed to be interested in her for one night. And that pressure is certainly more pronounced for the woman in terms of its benefits - than for the man

There was at least one major study in the last few years that showed that the "good girls" do not get the plumb assignments nor the good raises. as for men...the good men who have the pick of the ocean if smart are not going to pick a woman who does not present a challenge, who can always be predicted and will always do the right thing. Not only will the sex be soon boring but so will everything else. Once upon a time girls knew that to bag a guy they needed to show off their wild side during the courtship, and while we dont do courtship anymore I have seen this advice in modern advise books directed to women who are looking to hook a guy.

Quote:

I also think it depends on a person's time of life. What looks good and necessary at 25 is not the same thing that looks good and necessary at 45.

I think that this is true, but is trauma related. People who have had a lot of problems and are not very happy above all else dont want any more problems, they want easy. Which is fine, because these are people to be avoided. Also, I have noted a lot of the older set who will say straight up that if a person is not fun and interesting then they are not even friend material, as life is short, and the end is a bit too near...time is to short to waste on the boring.

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@hawkeye10,

Yeah - that's why the whole theory that says that people choose people who are representative of the traits of their parents can quite easily be debunked. Because on the one hand you have women who have grown up with abusive parents who choose abusive men, but you also have women who've grown up watching males abuse who make a beeline in the other direction- they want gentleness and stability. You also have 'good' girls who have grown up being coddled and protected by their fathers choosing to marry 'dangerous' or 'bad' boys.
It sort of brings to mind that thread on emotional balance that someone started. I think most people, those who do not get caught in the trap of environment manifesting itself in a particular response or behavior for the rest of their lives - strive for some sort of balance. And if they can't find it and live it openly - that's when all the secret acting out stuff happens.
Like those evangelists who portray themselves as godfearing and sinless doing despicable **** in their private time.

In terms of the age thing, I think that a lot of women at the age of 25 think a hard partying exciting, dangerous young man looks interesting without stopping to think that at the age of 45 she's gonna want that guy to be a good dad and provider.
Or the opposite. She might be looking for father/husband material then and then when she can hold her own in that department (providing for herself and her children on her own) the more interesting prospect is the one that offers freedom and fun.

So there's never any tried and true all encompassing edict in terms of this subject. I think it always varies except to say that yeah - boring is never fun.

And I have to admit to being a wee bit sexist in this department. I think it IS more important that my son have a child with a woman who will be a good mother than is is for my daughter to marry a man who will be a good father. Yes having a good mother AND father is optimum - but I think a child who has a bad mother is at more of a disadvantage than a child who has a bad father - especially if the father doesn't live with them.
I think a good mother is key- so I always encourage my son not to fool around with anyone he wouldn't want to mother his child.

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@aidan,

Quote:

Because on the one hand you have women who have grown up with abusive parents who choose abusive men, but you also have women who've grown up watching males abuse who make a beeline in the other direction- they want gentleness and stability

true....I have seen women who were sexual abused as children who cant stand to have a man look at them "wrong", and also women from the same background who demand that they be abused and will leave if the man refuses. The parent/child relationship is complicated though, and often runs under consciousness, I am not sure that the above truth contradicts those who claim that we pick our mates based upon our experience with our parents.

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@hawkeye10,

I really don't understand why you think you're so knowledgeable about women and their thought processes because you're so often wrong.

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@Mame,

Mame wrote:

I really don't understand why you think you're so knowledgeable about women and their thought processes because you're so often wrong.

So you know everything about women? What makes you so expert in women behaviour?

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I've never met a woman in my life who, whether she followed up on it or not, didn't entertain the idea of a fling with a bad boy at least once in her life.

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@HexHammer,

I am a woman, for one thing, and he certainly doesn't speak for me and those I know. He makes sweeping statements about women and either they're living in a different reality or he's just an idiot. Not that it's any of your business. We've been listening to his crap a lot longer than you have so maybe you should reserve judgement until you actually know something about him.

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@Mame,

Mame wrote:

I am a woman, for one thing, and he certainly doesn't speak for me and those I know. He makes sweeping statements about women and either they're living in a different reality or he's just an idiot. Not that it's any of your business. We've been listening to his crap a lot longer than you have so maybe you should reserve judgement until you actually know something about him.

Yearh, but that pitch fork and torch, besides you made just a bad general assersion as him.

Guess one becomes what one abhore.

1 Reply

Why are some women attracted to bad men?

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