I still remember the first time we swapped posts, cant exactly remember what they were but I do remember you being open and tender to me and another dear friend of mine and this you has stayed with me, tender and open.
I think I was a little angry in a recent post of two,
I still am finding myself shy of being here as I still dont rightly know if what and who sometime sun is supposed to be has survived and if I am finding myself angry it is best for all concerned that I restrict myself,
I have such poor control of this thing called anger I have to hide from it.
It is not necessarily that I am hiding form A2K.
It is likely I am hiding from part of myself.
And it is NOT A2K I am angry with, it is myself and possibly two other people, possibly.
So being angry at myself and having to avoid anger means I am having to avoid part of myself, the sometime sun part most likely, even though I still love it and him does not mean I am able at present to forgive him or myself,
even the possible other two people I am angry with I forgave even if I now dont trust or like them any more.
Why is it I can forgive the world for all its ills against me but if I am a cause of an ill I can never forgive myself for it? (no need to answer just musing)
I do not mind backlash per-say as I can understand why someone would now view me as a threat and honestly I am even a little disappointed they have not, as I do in fact have my sort of solution to them thinking the worst of me.
This is not me seeking for back lash this is me saying I think I could have handled it and was certainly expectant of it.
It has not arrived which says soemthing in the favour of the common decency of people here.
I really do wonder if I am a masochist?
But I was ready to defend sometime sun and myself even if I have no weapons to speak of, I do still have one thing, my need for honesty.
I do not blame any one for being protective of their home which is why I understand if any are going to shun sometime and me.
I know if I had thought someone had done what I was punished for to my old home I would at the very least suspect their credibility and at the most I would ask for them to justify their reasons for possibly disrespecting my place of worship, especially if they were making an effort to re-establish them selves in a place that may not want them there any more.
I would be asking myself what their possible motives were for returning and hope I would also reason they may be being courageous in the face of bad odds and that their reasons for returning may in fact be to prove their honour, not to be of a bigger example of the possible deceit they were accused of in the first place.
Were they there to prove their honour or were they they there to prove they just as defunct as I was regretfully suspecting?
Were they there to prove anything at all?
I would need to understand them so I could trust they were not being disingenuous with me or something I loved.
So I do not blame anyone for being protective of their home, but I understand I would need to know if I needed to worry about having to take up arms again.
So I would firstly get them to give me their understanding of why they were punished and secondly get them to give their word and assurance that if or not they did do what they did or not that there would be no chance in the future for any possible doubt of their membership PRIVILEGE.
I would at the very least expect a level of understanding from them that if they were being honest that they would if they wanted to be still a part of my home and allowed still in through its and my doors that they understand and forgive those who may have doubt, to accept and understand it is only natural for me or anyone else to worry if they, who I have been led to believe was dishonest with something I loved, that they may worry they would do so again.
So I must now honestly say to you I am still unsure the validity of why I was banned, I think I understand the official reason, but honestly I still can not agree I had any lasting intention of being subversive or destructive.
And if there was a moment of unthinking it was just that a mere momentary lapse of concentration.
I think I can understand and even appreciate why others were banned and even the possible justification for the reactions but what I cant personally understand is how sometime sun would be considered a danger to anything other than perhaps himself.
Which only lends to the fact that who ever did accuse and accept me as a rotten apple must have either never spent any time with me or if they have had no problem in discrediting me because they must have thought there no credit about me.
I accept the judges ruling as the judge less likely has had experience of me but I deny the accuser and their evidence, and say it circumstantial at best.
Sorry but not to say this and send this post because I think the only hope of my being accepted here again as an un subversive account and constructive ideal, ideology and idealist would be to stay as far away from it and this as possible, because this could also be to easily misinterpreted that I am still being here just to complain and dredge up old crap for the express reason to muddy the floors.
No, I just am still unrestful and uneven regarding all of this and if there any hope of me resolving this or your fears or my own I need to let it hang out, offer it up for the gods and see what is taken from my presently sparse platter and see what the gods will bless me with or even what they simply leave on my plate enough to see me through the drought.
And I do also accept that for what ever the rational explanation for the restrictions were, I indeed may not have been beyond reproach, and in so accepting I (no matter how much am still confused about the whole original unnecessary situation and confusion about my own roll) do accept that if I have broken the rules no matter how unwittingly that my punishment may have been the only possible alternative to any confusion I may have been party to.
In other words, somewhere I was wrong and those who are wrong need to be shown their error.
If one is wrong one must accept the consequences of ones wrongs.
But again openly honestly I am still saddened and wounded that for all that me through sometime sun has tried to publish, practice, preach and prove I/he was and is understood as untrue and unvirtuous.
So I hope no matter how much I had or didn't have to do with any possible "conspiracy" you can understand that as well as you are in pain, I am in pain here also.
Please try to see that I have unwittingly unknowingly unbelievably hurt not just you and this forum but have hurt myself deeply as well.
This makes even me suspicious of myself and suspicious of the pain I have felt during this ordeal.
It seems I cannot even trust myself here which sucks sour rabbit poo.
So again this prostration "honestly", honestly it makes me wonder if I can face being here and being sometime sun ever again, because if he is culpable and guilty he has made a mockery of an integral part of what with his/its/my/your help I was trying to bravely stand for, sometime sun; a unique open expression of reliable goodness.
My bravery may complacently have turned me into a coward?
A lot of me saying "honestly" tonight but one more yes,
Honestly the most accessible peace I may be able to find is in accepting the death of sometime sun.
I really am finding it difficult to find him and work with him here.
This is not meant as an offence as I truly am still saddened that a place I was only just really starting to see for its potential and possibility may now because of a single matter of trust not be able 2 know A2K in any other way but a place where something I loved came to know its undoing and its death.
It is truly debilitating and sickening not to be trusted and worse not able to trust yourself.
I am not so far gone as to think that there not something I did wrong.
And while I am still finding this wrong being the trusting of the other who thought so poorly of me to brand me "loser" "liar" "thief" means I am either not taking full responsibility for my own actions or am not strong and able enough to hold accountable that which has falsely accused and in effect possibly killed part of my own good self for no good reason other than dismissing me.
And just in case, I am not talking about the administration here.
Personally not once did I see any of us as "refugees" and thought the term when used was poorly reasoned.
In one of my very first posts here I remember saying quite clearly to someone that I am just as much a member here and land owner as anyone, no matter the name, this land was just as much my right as theirs. We were equal.
Nope I never saw myself as a refugees, I may have seen us as new tenants but I was never in any confusion that I had as much right to be here as any other.
Just that it may take me a while to be able to proclaim my self and A2ker.
Which if you read my "Fare Thee Well" thread I said very clearly that I was in some hopes to return.
This fare well was not me ever saying I was leaving out of choice just that some things are out of our control and that where I was going to may in fact take me away permanently from any such places for real and for good.
The trip did not work out, for although I was saying I was ready for the danger of that trip and the possibility it could even kill me and send me to the "other side", when the trip actually nearly did do this I found I was not as nearly ready for it as I had been almost boasting about.
And in 2 days and 3 nights time I will be doing it all over again, the level of inadequacy I feel towards my self right and the world right now.
I need a quest I can actually triumph and best.
I need to kill at least one demon this year for it not to be known as the year of lost sometimes.
So in summary;
I understand your doubt of me as I am also in doubt of me.
I may still be a little confused but have no desire to spread it.
If I am a threat to anything or one it is myself.
What I have lost I may have to accept is gone and move on.
It is time to force new growth and become something stronger.
It takes pain to be able to endure it.
I never meant to cause your pain or my own.
I really do not know if now this is a place of pain?
I really dont know if I can do it or endure it?
I am finding I am still learning.
I hope it has been worth something positive to anything or one.
You live and you learn.
You die and you learn.
You may be learning to resurrect?
And other stuff I am sure.
Sorry about this, I only meant to say thank you for your consideration and care and it turned into this.
I hope you see it as beneficial, the only reason I am now going to post it is I have found much benefit in having someone, having you available to write to.
I hope I have not disappointed you further by tackling myself here in view of the whole kingdoms court.
I hope this is taken with the honesty I tried with some effort to speak openly about.
I hope your doubt and pain have not been inflamed by these words as I know mine found some little ease.
I hope your home and heart are never empty.
All my best,
P.S It was predominantly Letty who I fought to be reinstated for and I still find I am not now doing this honour of a woman the justice I spent two weeks dreaming about.