The root of my lifelong problems

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It's friendship. Anger problesm came from not being able to keep friends. I make them easy but I can't keep them. That's actually why I got fired from Wal-Mart. No, it wasn't cuz of the coworker who blamed me for the cart of returns. THat's Melrose. Emilie was involved too. See, when I first started, Emilie and I became friends. A few weeks before I got canned, she ended our friendship. THat pissed me off real bad. I held it in until I took it out on Melrose, who didn't end our friendship like Emilie. I cursed her out supposedly bc of the cart of returns. It was really cuz I needed someone to take it out on. That and the pole.

I never mentioned Emilie before cuz I was humiliated that yet another girl won't be friends with me. It took me till now to be able to disclose. I mean, at that time, I had JUST gotten over Jessie, who was the reason I quit school bc she won't be my friend. I couldn't bring myself to disclose my humiliation over Emilie.

Then at McD's, well, my boss obviously stopped being friendly towards me while she still talked to everyone else. It was for a good reason, but I can't bear it. That's why I'm now actively searching for jobs for 2 months now. I might have to bridge my employment gap through volunteering if nothing works out (I've been through 7 interviews, 5 of which went well.) My xanga is usuck145. Be a xangan to view my profile though.

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@dirrtydozen22,

It sounds to me that if you don't have friends at the workplace, your life is ruined. Don't let it be like that. You go to work to WORK! If someone gets you upset don't take it out on somebody else, and instead talk to your friend Emily about what's bothering you. Talking to your friend will help ease the problem.

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@dirrtydozen22,

dirrtydozen22 wrote:

It's friendship. Anger problesm came from not being able to keep friends.

Nope.

I make them easy but I can't keep them. That's actually why I got fired from Wal-Mart.

Nope.

No, it wasn't cuz of the coworker who blamed me for the cart of returns. THat's Melrose. Emilie was involved too. See, when I first started, Emilie and I became friends. A few weeks before I got canned, she ended our friendship. THat pissed me off real bad.

I held it in until I took it out on Melrose, who didn't end our friendship like Emilie. I cursed her out supposedly bc of the cart of returns. It was really cuz I needed someone to take it out on. That and the pole.

Now you are headed in the right direction. So, what are you doing about it?

I never mentioned Emilie before cuz I was humiliated that yet another girl won't be friends with me. It took me till now to be able to disclose. I mean, at that time, I had JUST gotten over Jessie, who was the reason I quit school bc she won't be my friend. I couldn't bring myself to disclose my humiliation over Emilie.

Then at McD's, well, my boss obviously stopped being friendly towards me while she still talked to everyone else. It was for a good reason, but I can't bear it. That's why I'm now actively searching for jobs for 2 months now. I might have to bridge my employment gap through volunteering if nothing works out (I've been through 7 interviews, 5 of which went well.) My xanga is usuck145. Be a xangan to view my profile though.

DD, I'm sorry you are feeling so lonely and desperate for friendship. Workplace friendships obviously are not working out for you. You need to separate the workplace from the rest of your daily life. Do you have any other places where you can channel your efforts to make friends?

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@dirrtydozen22,

By the way, how is the counseling going and are you still going to the vocational people for help with the job hunting?

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@dirrtydozen22,

Quote:

My xanga is usuck145. Be a xangan to view my profile though.

Ever thought of changing your user name... that isn't a great first impression for anyone wishing to get to know you and doesn't say much for how you view yourself. Your xanga name is a walking advertisement of your anger problem.

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Why do you expect co-workers to be your friends?

Get friends outside of the workplace.

Work is for work, not socializing.

Be friendly enough to get your work done, but don't expect the people you work with to also be your social life.

Try church or get a hobby group.

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@Butrflynet,

My counselor is too easy on me. She emphasizes my hurt but didn't point out where I went wrong. I actually learned more from Y!A, message boards, my friends, etc. than from my counselor. And yes, the vocational people are still helping me.

But yeah, the root of my lifelong problem is my inability to accept it when someone doesn't wanna be friends with me. Then I react bad. From k-12, that's where most of my disciplinary problems came from (i.e. suspensions.) Other people could easily shrug it off if someone doesn't wanna talk to them, but me, I always end up chasing after them.

(summer '09) btw, when I burned myself and screamed, my boss still acted friendly towards me. When I got a coworker into trouble by looking unhappy and customer called to complain she was mistreating me, my boss still acted friendly towards me even though she cut my hours both times. But when I embarrassed my boss publicly and unknowingly caused a scene, she stopped being friendly and started going all business mode on me. I don't understand.

(She still be friendly w/ everyone else and they're all still on her facebook, but I'm not, not since I embarrassed her.)

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@dirrtydozen22,

DD, do you understand what people have been telling you about workplace friendships?

Could you put it in your own words to reassure me that you do understand?

Regarding your counselor, don't write off what she is attempting to work on with you. She's digging deep to find the source of that hurt and why it is so important to you that you not be rejected by anyone. She's trying to help you remove the source rather than just learn where to apply some make up to cover it up.

Have you given that any thought on your own? Why do you think you've had such a problem with rejection? Are you able to point to some incident in your life where you can say "that's where it all started, and that's why it hurts so bad each time it happens again?"

Tell me about the vocational people. Are they helping you find some training classes so you can improve your work skills for a wider selection of employment opportunities?

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@Butrflynet,

I'm not there to make friends. I'm there to work.

I have a problem with rejection bc well, I guess I was just born that way. I'm more sensitive than others than a loss of a friendship. While other people may be like, "oh well" when they lose a friend, to me, it's disasterous.

The vocational people are working on my interviewing skills, whcih is good, since I've been through 7 interviews the past two months and no offer.

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@dirrtydozen22,

Quote:

While other people may be like, "oh well" when they lose a friend, to me, it's disasterous.

Let's explore that some more.

What do you mean when you describe it as disastrous? What is disastrous about it for you?

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@Butrflynet,

Well, if I'm not chasing after that former friend, I'm holding it in till I explode. I always end up chasing after them anyhow. Or if someone didn't like me from the beginning, I'd still do the same thing. It makes me look cheap when I bug them to talk to me, but I can't help it since I want them to talk to me really bad.

1 Reply

@dirrtydozen22,

Quote:

Or if someone didn't like me from the beginning, I'd still do the same thing. It makes me look cheap when I bug them to talk to me, but I can't help it since I want them to talk to me really bad.

Why?

Why do you have difficulty accepting that not everyone is always going to want to be your friend?

1 Reply

Can you see that you are really trying to control other people?

You get explosive when you can't. (make people do things, like be your friend)

The Serenity Prayer helps to CALM down this need to control.

The 'root' of this lifelong problem could be discovered in therapy and may have to do with some childhood need.

But as an adult, you MUST get this under control.

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@Butrflynet,

I guess it started in early elementary school when I had difficulty making friends. It got easier over time, but I just ended up with the need for everyone to be my friend to make up for my difficulty making friends in grade school. It hindered my school life and now, work life. If I coulda let go of Emilie, I wouldn't have been fired from Wal-Mart. If I coulda accepted that my boss ignoring me at McD's is unstandable after I publicly embarrassed her, then I wouldn't have quit my job. I guess I conditioned myself over time to be unable to bear it if someone won't talk to me.

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It turned out there ain't any one root to my problems. I had many. So far, I've gotten my anger under control. Now friendship issues resolved (no more excessive need for friends.) The only thing I have left to work on is self-awareness. I stopped doing bad things I'm aware of doing. It's the bad things I'm NOT aware of doing that I still do. I know people who sleep walked to the fridge and start eating while asleep. The next morning, they have no recollection. (same for the alcoholic who blacked out after heavy drinking and don't remember ANYTHING they said or did while drunk.) I currently don't have much more self awareness than that. That was how I ended up making that public scene in a crowded store. How am I gonna gain self awareness?

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The root of my lifelong problems

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