@worriedsick,
Quote: I know all this, but i love my husband and just dont think i should let a child who would have been leaving home in less than a year anyway ruin my marriage
I agree, and the grandparent idea is fine. She is plenty old enough to take over her life now. Just make sure she knows that you love her.
But see what you have done?? you started out saying that the kid is the problem, and now you are saying that it is a long running personality conflict, which is obviously both of their faults.
@worriedsick,
worriedsick wrote:
My 17 yr old daughter was smoking weed for a year before getting caught and since says she has quit. i havent found anything but we have been very strict on her, she hates her stepdad for being so strict on her. they both have anger issues and clash badly. we blew up the other day and she left to llive with grandma. i have come clean to grandma and told her everything. I am worried sick. I love my daughter and want the best for her i dont want her to hate me but the boy that she has been hanging with smokes weed, and i told grandma this. I am heartbroke over all this. grandma knows bout stepdads screaming bouts, and the daughter has exjagerated this to grandma. my marriage has suffered. The other day she was screaming back and forth with him and said that if he didnt leave she would. and she did. thats when i came clean with grandma about everything, told her what we were doing wrong as well as the daughters secrets "the ones we know of"
I am just heartbroke over this, will it all work out, what more can we do??? I feel like a failure
Well perhaps I would be a horrible parent, but I honestly do not see any problem with her smoking pot. I have no problem with any drugs and think they all should be legalized. Yes I know some of them are addictive even after the first time using but still think society would be better off if they were all legal. But now I am getting off the subject.
I think at 17 you have to loosen the reins and you can't be strict, she is at a point where she can make life choices and doesn't need you to there. I know because I was in that position at her age. Strict parents will only push her further away, so you have to treat her like an adult even if she is doing what you think is stupid. She doesn't see it that you are trying to instill in her what you think is best, no one ever does especially if it comes down to arguments. You can't have any rational discussion if you are fighting because then it just comes down to a fight and nothing is actually being discussed.
I think some of the changes have to be placed on the step dad. He is going to push her away if he thinks fighting or arguing is going to make an impression or get her to see his point of view. It will never work. The only way it can work is with an open discussion without adding any insults or bickering. But that might be just as hard to change then it is to change her mind.
Good luck.
@Krumple,
yeah i have tried to tell my husband for years, that we need to loosen the reins some, let her grow up, he wont hear of it. He had a very bad childhood, involving abuse, and was kicked out at the age of 16 to fend for himself and his father died shortly after. He has a lot of issues with trust and he feels that every time he puts a little trust in her she lets him down. I am hoping that by her staying with grandma, which was her choice by the way, she can get used to having a little more freedom than he allowed her, without going hogwild and pigshit crazy, like I did when I was 19.
@CalamityJane,
Trying to force her home might be the very worst thing she could do for any future relationship with her daughter.
@Krumple,
well i agree that marijuana should be legal, regulated like alcohol at age 21, but many other drugs out there are very dangerous and should not be.
From my experience of having raised a daughter with a bit of a controlling stepdad, although no shouting or abuse ever occurred, you need to make sure your daughter understands you love her and take her side on some issues. Your husband should not be shouting at her. Period. That is wrong behaviour. No one deserves to be shouted at. I think you should leave your daughter at grandma's, say nothing about the pot smoking, and hang out with her a bit by yourself (and grandma, but not step-dad). Have a one-on-one relationship with her. She is YOUR daughter for the rest of your life. Do not abandon her because your husband behaves like an ass. Don't take his side just because he's your husband. She's YOUR daughter, for heaven's sake. She needs to know you love and support her.
When my ex started to interfere with my daughter, I let him at first, but after a while, I could see it was not the way I parented or wanted my daughter parented so I stopped it and stepped in and supported her. She was very grateful that I did that. She loves him, but I'm her mama and she adores me. i think that's partly because I supported her when he wanted to control her.
Visit and talk to your daughter a lot and let her know you're there and still her mom. If you're going to stay with hubby, put your foot down about his behaviour. He needs to respect her individuality. We don't own our children, we raise, direct, guide, support and love them. Everybody has a right to be who and what they are and 17 is not that young anymore. She's almost old enough to vote, for Pete's sake. She's a young adult. You should be her mentor, not step-dad.
Hope that helps some.
One question how long had step Dad been step Dad?
If it date back to her early childhood then he should have the same position in her life as any bio father would.
If it only a few years then you have far more of a right to just order him to back off at once.
@BillRM,
He is the only fathershehas ever known and has been in our lives since she was two. we've been married for nine yrs, and have lived together for 13.
Like I said, some people who smoke pot never grow up. Here you have 2 pot smoking adults now horrified about the behavior of their 17 year old - who smokes pot.
How can anyone think straight in all that haze? Who is the adult and who is the child?
Everyone back in their corners.
Jeez - is grandma a pot head, too?
@PUNKEY,
We do not smoke pot, What I said was that we have, we used to. We have quit and do not do it anymore. and we do not want our minor daughter doing it. and no Grandma does not do it either. My daughter has enough problems without bringing pot into the picture....
@worriedsick,
You seem from the beginning to center on the boyfriend and the pot smoking and now you had stated she have enough other problems.
Pot smoking seem to most of us to be a fairly minor if annoying behavior now what other problems does she have other then being a normal 17 year old driving her parents insane as she try to claimed adult rights?
@worriedsick,
honestly, just let her smoke pot if things are as bad as you say then it should help her with stress, just make sure she dosent brag about it.
@worriedsick,
Well there is one thing for sure U R NOT A FAILURE! if u have been going through all of this trouble u r definatly not a failure. if or when your daughter comes back to live with u u have to lay out some rules. and your husband you should tell him that he shouldn't be as tough as he is on her. u know many teenagers smoke and drink because of stress and peer presure from friends, and family. Also when she gets back u really need to tell her the consequences about her habbits of smoking and drinking. hope things turn out good good luck.
Don't scold her. Be friendly with her. Let her know the drawbacks of smoking with friendly manner. She will surely understand you.
