i have a troubled teen

If Smoking pot is the worst thing she does then you are ahead of about 90% of parents.....be grateful, make sure that she knows that you love her and let her live her life.....

My god you sound like you have a perfectly normal pain in the rear end teenager.

I grow up to be a law-abiding engineering type with no trouble with the law in my life however as a teenager I cheerfully did such stupid things as to ran my car by the state troopers barrack one night at over a 110 mph racing a friend.

I also try pot a few times as a teenager in the 60s.

How are the your daughter grades does she work part time and beside the evil weed smoking boyfriend what kind of teenagers does she hang around with?

Assuming the weed smoking is the only concern, it is my opinion that both you and your husband is over reacting to fairly normal if annoying teenager behaviors.

Hawkeye (I can't believe I'm saying this) is right. If that's your biggest problem, count your blessings. Pot isn't that bad. Sure, you don't want her doing it or getting caught and thrown in jail but the more you push the more she'll pull. She's almost an adult and almost time for you to let her make her own decisions.

By the by, does she hate her stepdad for any particular reason?

Having her live with grandma is not the solution. You need to get your daughter back in your home and leave grandma out of it - she raised already children and should not be forced to do your job.

I admit that teens can wear on you (I have one myself) but if anything they
need our understanding more than ever. Being strict and enforcing stringent
rules don't help anymore, talk, talk, talk, and explanations are in order for
her to understand what the ramification of her actions are.

Smoking weed is something every kid will try, take it as a given, but how you
handle the situation will impact her future drug use. Educating her what will
happen to her mind and her body if she continues smoking pot, will have far
more impact on her. You also could take her to a drug rehab and have her
talk to people there, get an idea what will happen to her if she continues taking
drugs.

Your daughter is 17 years old, almost an adult - you have to talk to her accordingly and put your husband on a leash. He is obviously part of the
problem. If he cannot make himself understood in a rational manner, he
should shut up entirely.

Most of what you said I agree with however if the girl is happy and at peace with her grandmother why not leave her there as she will shortly have adult rights in any case.

Trying to force her back into a home and situation that she is not happy with might just get her to run away and that would not be good at all.

Hell she might even decide to play the system and charge the husband with abused true or not.

I can relate to you and your daughter. I was once a teenager who didn't get along with my father and I'm the mother of two teenage daughters. I too once got into a shouting match with my father (one of many) and my mother called, "enough"! She was done having to listen to us bicker and understood deep down that it wasn't going to end until one of us left the house. She and I decided it should be me. I was 17 at the time and moved into a boarding house. I got married too young, divorced 12 years later, remarried and had two girls who are now teenagers. I had a wonderful relationship with my mother before, during, and after. It came down to him or me and I (we) chose me. I get it...

I think living with grandma is a fair solution if saving your marriage is important to you and if grandma doesn't mind. She can also become an emancipated teen and take control of her own life.

You aren't a failure. Just don't overreact and you and she should be fine.

even more importantly, listen to her accordingly.

Know what the leading cause of divorce for 2nd marriages is?
Kids from the first marriage.

Let her stay at grandmas (assuming this is OK with her, too). but keep in touch. Have her over for dinner or spend one on one with her. Call her often.

Sorry, but I AM worried about the pot smoking. I just see too many 20 AND 30 somethings who started smoking in their teens and never grew up after that. It does not help that her friend is using.

Watch to see all other 'domains' are in order i.e. school, work, family, health/appearance, legal/law and self. If she is growing and thriving, then write the pot smoking off, if not, get her some help.

And don't feel guilty. You and your husband need this time together.

I grow up in the 60s and even a boring engineer book worm type person your truly ended up smoking pot.

Most of my generation however did not continue it beyond early adulthood.

I would be far more concern if she was doing heavy drinking instead of pot smoking.

Oh the comment that her boyfriend is a smoker that might be the only reason she is smoking as a matter of fact.

The only reason I even try pot was to please a girlfriend not because I had any great desire even then to do so. I would be once more concern if she was smoking pot without social pressure to do so existing on her.

Evidently pot now and pot then are very different creatures.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25117595/

Come off it pot is a fairly harmless drug as drugs go and no one had die from an OD of pot smoking of any kind. Something you can not say about most other drugs including Alcohol.

As far as a US government funded reports are concern given the long and sad history of the government outright lying about the effects of pot use dating back to the 30s/40s with it reefer madness movie as an example any such report is worthless in my eyes at least.

The main effects on me was to put me to sleep and to interfere with my time sense neither I found all that useful. Stronger pot would had likely just put me to sleep faster.

http://www.statesman.com/blogs/content/shared-gen/blogs/austin/health/entries/2009/11/12/pot_is_10_times_stronger_than.html

Which means that it will get you there faster, it is not like heroin which if it is much stronger than you expect can kill you. Besides with pot the effects are known to you as you are smoking, unlike putting a needle in your arm where you inject it all and then wait to see what happens. We are conditioned by heroin to be alarmed that pot is stronger than it was 30 years ago, but we should not be. Still, this bit of fact is a very useful tool for the anti drug zealots and scare mongers

What I'm saying though is that the harmless pot you tried 30 years ago and the pot that this teen is smoking may well not have the same effect.

Anyway, I'm not generally anti-drug, and I don't think a teenager trying pot is necessarily that big of a deal. I agree with Punkey though that it can be a big deal. Several of my friends in high school and college (late 80's/ early 90's) were really messed up by it.

I would question the cause and effect in the relationship to your friends with pot IE they became heavy pot smokers because they was mess up not as a result of pot smoking.

If no pot had exist I do not think that they would had been normal because of that fact they would had likely just turn to some other method of harming themselves.

It's hard to know for sure.

My husband and I have talked about this in terms of what we'll tell our kid when it comes up.

We definitely will advise caution. Not just "yeah whatever it's fine."

Always good to approach things with caution.

My Great Grandfather was an alcoholic where my grandmother used to need to take a horse drawn wagon to pick him up at bars by rolling him onto the wagon. When she heard as a result that I had taken a few drinks, she was deeply concern over it.

Thankfully, his DNA in my blood never causes a problem and I am the kind that can go months without a drink. In fact, last night in passing a bar during a walk I had my first drink in many months one nicely done Bloody Mary

I know that pot is fairly harmless, I used it for years myself so did the hubby. They have never got along, they both are hardheaded and stubborn, and the husband can be too controlling on her. I know all this, but i love my husband and just dont think i should let a child who would have been leaving home in less than a year anyway ruin my marriage

This is not "a child", it is your own flesh and blood and you seem to sacrifice your daughter's well being and your relationship with her.