How to help my 10 your old cope with a death

Ok.....first good on you for asking for help...it can be quite overwhelming when our chidren are suffering, and I bet your fears about something happening to YOUR boy are quite strong right now.

It's a horrible thing, but part of normal growing up and you just need to be his loving mum, not a therapist.

You can't take away his pain and shock.....but you can help him with it a lot simply by being there when he wants to talk about it, and not being afraid of his feelings...really letting him know it is ok for him to let you know about whatever he feels and fears.

Understand that he may become fearful of you and other importsnt people in his life dying...that he may become angry...that he may be thinking a lot about death and have lots of questions about what happened to his friend and the processes around the funeral.

The key is being able to really empathise with his feelings while being able to remain calm enough to support him and helping him to feel safe.

Do not be afraid about him talking about his friend as much as he wants to...he'll likely do it in spurts, then want to stop and do other stuff.


It might help to get some books about deth and grieving in kids.


Is he going to the funeral?


I'll go off and see if I can find some good stuff for you on the net.

Googling something like "helping children deal with traumatic death/death" will likely uncover some good material for you.

Hi Mommyof2,

Almost a year ago we had the good fortune of meeting a remarkable young teen here who was trying to help her younger sister and family cope with her pending (and eventual) death from a terminal illness.

You might benefit by reading some of her thoughts here. Here's a list of the topics she started in the few short months she was here with us

http://able2know.org/user/abbiemckenley/topics/

Almost all of them contain lots of info, advice, support and resources you may find useful in helping your son.

I believe he will go to the funeral. He hasn't mentioned it.

here's some stuff that looks reasonable on cursory glance...(I am at work):

http://www.fci.org/viewproject.asp?ID={EE8B56D3-08CF-44E6-BEA7-3D2B31407AB4}

http://nasponline.org/resources/crisis_safety/griefwar.pdf

http://teacher.scholastic.com/professional/bruceperry/death_and_loss.htm

http://www.thefinalrest.com/Helping_Children_Cope_With_Death.php

My heart goes out to you all.

It's a good time to talk about how precious life is.

Perhaps he could write a goodbye letter or make a list of rememberances about this child. .

Also, please try to encourage him to try to do something that will comfort his freind's parents. Perhaps a good or funny story about their child. That helps.

The parents will need your son later, as their shock wears off. He could send them cards over the next several months.

I lost my best friend to spinal meningitis when we were both six. What started out looking like a cold to her mother and her doctor ended up killing her.

I remember being very confused and sad and scared. We were about the same size so her mother gave me some of her dresses to wear. I remember that making me feel better, although my mother was always careful that I not wear them to church so her mother wouldn't have to see me in her daughter's dresses.

For a while, I was afraid that I might get meningitis and every time my throat hurt I got a little panicky.

Mainly though, I just remember my parents being very soothing and reassuring to me - they were sad themselves - her family was friends with our family - it was almost as if they'd lost one of their nieces or nephews.
My parents were always very physically affectionate with all of us and I can remember specifically my father holding me and singing 'Away in the Manger' with me when I was crying about Anita.
It helped me to see that it was okay to be really sad - in fact even the adults were sad - maybe even sadder than I was.

Of course, I got over it. Although when I had my own kids, I was always so, so careful when they got colds. Anita's mother and father and doctor didn't realize that she didn't have just a cold until it was too late for her - I always had that memory in my mind when caring for my own children- although intellectually I know that bacterial menengitis is much rarer than the viral sort - which is fairly harmless.
So even now it affects me - but kids are resilient. Most will get through most things.
It helps to remember that.

I'm sorry about the death of your son's friend. Please extend my condolences to his family.

Was this child a school mate of your son's? If so, will the school be offering any grief counseling to the children? It might be helpful if the children could deal with their feelings as a group.

At any age it is hard to deal with the sudden tragic death of a friend. And I think it is particularly difficult for a child to deal with the death of another child.

Encourage him to talk about what he is feeling. Just listening to your son, and responding as candidly as you can to any of his questions, would be very helpful. He may be experiencing a swirl of emotions (grief, anxiety, anger) which are very confusing for him. Let him know that you understand what he is feeling, and reassure him that whatever he is feeling is normal at a time like this. Share your own feelings with him if you can. Offer him any comfort or support he seems to need. The process of grieving takes time, allow him to deal with this event at his own pace.

If he is interested, perhaps you could encourage your son your son to write down some things about his friend--things they enjoyed doing together, what he remembers most about his friend, what he liked about him. He could put these in a little homemade memory book, perhaps with a photo of his friend if he has one. Then he will always have a special keepsake he can look at which will always hold good memories of his friend.

If he wishes to attend the funeral, allow him to do so. If he has never been to a funeral before, answer any questions he might have beforehand. If he doesn't want to attend, that is all right.

It might be helpful for you to speak with some other parents whose children were friends with the child who died. You can find out how their children are coping, and how they are handling the situation. You might all be able to offer each other some guidance and support.

This is a difficult time for your son, and for you as well. I think we all feel inadequate when trying to help someone deal with a significant loss. Just being there for your child, listening to him, comforting him, and being open with him, will help him cope.