My dad went to work early (like 4:30 am) and so cooked his own breakfast. The doctor told him to cut down on his cholesteral, so he started frying three eggs in margarine every morning...
One morning, all sleepy, he grabbed the can of pepper from the cupboard and sprinkled it on his eggs. I was up early and asked "What's that smell?" ...
...from then on he insisted he LIKED cinnamon and salt on his eggs...
A Texas Chili Contest - As seen thru the eyes of a Yankee.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City park.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who
was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy s**t, What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t-faced from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s**t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a** with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
wy-I once saw a guy at a country club salad bar, where they put a dessert table next on the same beds of ice. he made a salad and then, accidently, I guess, scooped a big dollop of tapioca pudding on top like a bleu cheese dressing. He tasted it, mumbled that it was pudding and then sat down and ATE IT> wat a douche.
cjhsa- good story, youre not elligible for the award , but still, Its downloadable and atorable for future Texass references
I wouldn't have eaten a salad like that, but in my younger days I probably wouldn't have gone back for a proper salad either... These days I'd say "Oh, what a goof!" and made another, but I was raised not to waste...
Dad ate his eggs like that for months...
I don't know that this counts, as i was simply drunk at the time. I was working at the U of I, and saving up comp time to take long vacation at the beach in North Carolina. So, i would go in at 6:00 a.m., prepared to complete a task agreed upon in advance.
With no time to make a breakfast, i would boil eggs before retiring for the evening, and leave them in cold water overnight. In the morning, the hard-boiled eggs and a peanut butter sandwich were breakfast. This one evening, however, returning from a friend's bday party, i make holes in three slices of bread before i got the pb sandwich right, and then put three eggs in a pan of water to boil.
When the fire department kicked in the door, i woke up . . .
Roommate of mine was a musician. Came home after the bars closed (after plenty of complimentary drinks) hungry. There was leftover spaghetti sauce in the fridge, so he decided to have some... One aluminum pan full of water. One aluminum pan half-full of sauce. Two burners on high. One guitarist asleep at the kitchen table...
I woke up when the black smoke filled the house from the ceiling down to my bed. Crawled into the kitchen, turned things off. The water pan was bottomless, just a circle of metal with a handle. The sauce pan had a two-inch-thick black bottom.
Gosh we were lucky. Six months after I moved out the people I left behind managed to actually burn the top floor off the house...
set and wy, those are both good. Makes one appreciate that your number hadnt come up in the big lottery.
When we first moved into this old house, we bought a bunch of dese svedish woog stoves called Jotul. they were very "efficient" if you define efficiency as distilling the wood rather than burning it. We went out and left the wood stove on and when we returned the entire metal stovepipe chimney was glowing cherry red , and, the smoke shelf, the old style" fireplace reducer" popular in the 1700s was starting to smoke. We were about 10 minutes away from burning our house down
It was then that I learned about Colonial cookery that wasnt done in a room separate from the house like at Monticello. I learned that our old kitchen fireplace was lined with a chimney made of wood and daub. Sort of like the old Swedish Cabins. these fireplaces were meant for low fires that were turned into big piles of charcoal for cooking, not roaring fires . Bedroom fireplaces were stone lined and the openings smaller.
Rule No 1 for new cooks:
Always hang the fire extinguisher where the fire isn't going to be.
Good save, Farmerman. Not all fireplaces are made alike it seems. These close shaves are scary!
Anybody remember that boot water-proofer that needed to be heated to be activated? You'd smear the stuff on new boots and set them in oven at low heat? Well, Mr. P did that one day with a pair of fairly expensive Red Wings. Turned off the oven and left it.
The next day I needed to do some baking, flipped on the oven to pre-heat. Came back about five minutes later to smoke alarms, smoke and a horrible smell. Those Red Wings cook fast and their special soles swelled up like out of control marshmallows. They looked like cartoon boots! He took them back to the store as a joke. They liked it and put them on display with a warning sign... gave him 25% off on another new pair.
My little brother was playing with toy cars. He had an especially nice one, red with real rubber wheels that turned...
We went for a Sunday drive. Mom left a chicken in the oven on a timer. We were gone for several hours.
We came home, not to the lovely smell of roasted chicken, but to the scent of burning rubber and plastic.
Guess where the little guy garaged his cars?
I NEVER turn on an oven without looking in first!
