Do You Care?

@soozoo,

soozoo wrote:

I used to be obsessed about what people thought of me. A friend of mine put it all into perspective when he told me, "people don't think of you nearly as often as you think they do."

I think it's actually the opposite. My belief is that you cannot control what someone thinks about you, but people think about you more often than you might imagine. Example: yesterday I was at work and a customer came in. I knew immediately that I knew her ten years ago, when I was ten actually. When she recognized me, she told me she had just been thinking about me. I imagine that someone is thinking about you every moment of your life. What they think is another matter entirely.
I know from experience that even though my family is extremely torn apart, I think of them often. I expect it is the same for them. Of course I don't believe these thoughts are all happy and nice, but some must be.
If one choses to care about what their family or the people they meet thinks of them, it is a battle lost when begun. We can't control how someone perceives us, especially those who know us well.

3 Replies

Thinkin'
Steve Forbert

Well, don't ya go thinkin' and thinkin' and thinkin'
And thinkin' so much til you're stranded behind
Don't ya go thinkin' and thinkin' and thinkin'
And thinkin' so much til you're losin' your mind

There's so many depressions all plowed in your brain
Trace 'em too far and they'll drive you insane
You're twisted so tight now, you hardly can talk
Get out in the daylight and go for a walk

And, don't ya go thinkin' and thinkin' and thinkin'
And thinkin' so much til you're stranded behind
Don't ya go thinkin' and thinkin' and thinkin'
And thinkin' so much til you're losin' your mind

All the tension inside has gone through to your face
You're flashin' your madness all over the place
You stand in the hallway an' try to explain
I look in your eyes, I see shackles an' chains,

Aw, don't ya go thinkin' and thinkin' and thinkin'
And thinkin' so much til you're stranded behind
Don't ya go thinkin' and thinkin' and thinkin'
And thinkin' so much til you're losin' your mind

You're chasin' some notion you've misunderstood
You're tryin' so hard, can't you tell it's no good?
You analyze everything into a "No"
You're fallin' apart, you got nothing to show

Now, don't ya go thinkin' and thinkin' and thinkin'
And thinkin' so much til you're stranded behind
Don't ya go thinkin' and thinkin' and thinkin'
And thinkin' so much til you're losin' your mind

1 Reply

@squinney,

squinney wrote:

The only reason, in my opinion, to worry about what someone thinks of you is to feed your ego. If you are living by ego, you aren't living.

Have you read The Four Agreements? One of the Agreements addresses this particularly well. It says that Nothing is personal. If someone thinks you are____________(fill in whatever characteristic you like, be it positive or negative) that doesn't make you what they think. You are, separate from their thoughts, what you are.

For example, if you filled in the blank with " kind" does their thinking that you are kind make you kind? No! What YOU do, say and think makes you kind or unkind, whichever it may be. Their thoughts did not determine that.

If someone says you are selfish, does that make it so? No! That is their opinion. Only you can determine through your own thought processes and evaluation whether or not they are correct, and for that matter, whether or not you want to change that aspect of yourself. Some people are perfectly willing to just say "Yes, I'm selfish and that's okay."

Either way, it isn't their thoughts or opinions that make you what you are, YOU do. YOU define yourself. Allowing others to do so is your ego at work. What does your ego need that is fed by worrying about what others think? Do you need to be a martyr? Why? Do you like feeling bad about yourself? Why? Put that little demon away and start living for yourself.

Absolutely bang on the nail Mr Squinny

1 Reply

@salima,

I suppose a lot of my worry comes because I was once all those things, offensive, boring and scary.
Now I am not I find it harder to reconcile myself because I am forever either judging my self on my past or in fear of my future.
But I do know I am a good person, one thing I can tell myself "your not bad" is a great help.
But the trouble comes when you are judged as offensive, boring or scary because I have to inspect myself to make sure I am none of these things.
Genuinely make a search of my self and personage,
being totally self critical is actually harder than one may think, especially when you know you are not just capable of greatness by capable of insignificance.

I suppose then a lot of my problems stem from the fact I am an anchorite when ever I can be, I shutter my self away denying the world to my self and denying myself to the world.

I have no mirrors in my house apart from two panels which are like giant stickers on the backs of two of my doors to spread the sunlight throughout the house. If you want to see yourself in them you are likely to see what would look like those distorted hall of mirrors in carnivals,
do you think I should get a mirror I could actually see myself proper in?
I really have very little self image although for some reason, I am always colour coordinated.

The community I do work in is the mental health field.
Most of my friends and colleagues either have a mental problem or help to work with them, and to be around mentally challenged people you need to be a bit off the wall your self and always self assured because you spend so much time reassuring others.
I suppose I make up for the strength of the day and community by being weak when around just myself and at home.

Thank you for your reply.

0 Replies

@A Lyn Fei,

A Lyn Fei wrote:

Hi there, sun,

I am going to give a brief answer because I can relate to analyzing how much I care. Many people tell me "don't care so much", or they tell me "care about this or that, but not the other thing". It's bothersome so I conducted research into it for my personal gain.
In times when I don't care what other people think, but I DO care about my own, it has resulted in people viewing me as apathetic. Really, this is fairly normal so I fit right in.
In times when I care what other people think and sacrifice what I think for their sake, it always ends in them taking advantage of me. This makes no one genuinely happy.
In times when I care what other people think and what I think, there is simply too much caring to go around and it results in general fatigue.
Etc

I can relate to this except the apathetic, for some reason I have never been able to distance or detach my self from my emotions and have always shown them.
And results in exactly what you describe about people taking advantage of me, and even possibly me taking advantage of others, but I regulate this with a rather small circle of friends so my time is spent giving to a few rather than being bale to take from the many.
This non distancing for me is just as much selfish on my part because I have found I love to give, but unfortunately, and I am not even blaming them because everyone becomes accustomed to certain amounts of attention, but the other will inevitably end up taking advantage just because they are made by just as much me to become reliant on me for some or other care.
The computer world has helped me enormously because whether we want it there or not they is this wall we cannot scale, so I have been able to go out into the world with my own invisible screen I use to put between me and others.
It has been most effective.
And it also gives me the chance when I will come to love you through the screen to be able to give of myself overly because I must always, sometimes regretfully, at the end of the night switch it off.
I do not switch you off, but our connection is cut momentarily.
But I must also admit I have found it hard to on occasion, and also still feel worried when I have not heard from you all in a while.

A Lyn Fei wrote:

What I ended up concluding was this:

Care about yourself, first and foremost. I don't think it is possible to know who you truly are, but you certainly can know what's best for your happiness.
As far as caring about what other people think is concerned, it is very wise to listen to only those whose minds you respect. I chose these people carefully and am mindful that what they say is still biased by their own will to care about themselves first and foremost.

I hope this is what you were looking for. It is never wrong to ask questions. And I believe that any question can be philosophical. Sometimes I think people forget what philosophy means...

Enjoy your night, sun

A Lyn

Ah yes my happiness.
I am a co-dependant, what has made me happy in my past is total possessed possession.
I have worked on this and now just love spending time with myself.
I find my own company rather enjoyable.
I seem to be the best person who can crack me up, I am really rather funny, but still sadly not the one who can make me cry.
I used to before I became self sufficient cry all the time, so now have found I miss my tears because they used to be an almost catharsis.
I found my tears used to be very selfish and self involved.
So now I don't seem to be able to any more, which must go some way to dispelling the self?
You say only those I respect, but another confusion I have always had is discriminating between fear and respect, I tend to think of those I fear as having a knowledge and realisation that I would be better off with.
I wonder if this means I wish to be feared?
I know this is unlikely, but it is best to ask yourself these questions objectively.

This is more than I was looking for, thank you for being so accommodating and enlightening and luminous.
I know it is never wrong to ask questions, I really don't get how it could be so annoying or upsetting for people.
I also believe any question can be philosophical, no doubt in my mind.

I am going to get to bed early tonight, so I will have a great night because I love dreaming and snoozing. My favourite pass times. (sun smile)

All my best and thank you for your presence.

0 Replies

@soozoo,

soozoo wrote:

I used to be obsessed about what people thought of me. A friend of mine put it all into perspective when he told me, "people don't think of you nearly as often as you think they do."

Bravo. A short, succinct and sensible response.

0 Replies

@stevecook172001,

stevecook172001 wrote:

Absolutely bang on the nail Mr Squinny

That's Miss Squinny to you, Bubba.

1 Reply

@kennethamy,

Pearl of wisdom from kennethamy.

It can be a heavy stress, especially if you believe that you are cared less about by another.

All my best

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@William,

No the thinking and analysing put my mind at more rest that the feelings.
The feelings are conquered by the thinking and definitely the analysing.
The thread helps me analyse so I opened it.

"It's not your place" excellent.
The only trouble I suppose is not knowing where your place is.
Yes if you care about one you have to care about them all.
I don't have the energy or patience to do this.
One at a time.

I try to pass it on, the trouble occurs when they wont take it from you.

All my best William, great to see you.

0 Replies

@laughoutlood,

This means you are the most scary or are the least scary.

Thanks for the word play

0 Replies

@A Lyn Fei,

A Lyn Fei wrote:

soozoo wrote:

I used to be obsessed about what people thought of me. A friend of mine put it all into perspective when he told me, "people don't think of you nearly as often as you think they do."

I think it's actually the opposite. My belief is that you cannot control what someone thinks about you, but people think about you more often than you might imagine. Example: yesterday I was at work and a customer came in. I knew immediately that I knew her ten years ago, when I was ten actually. When she recognized me, she told me she had just been thinking about me. I imagine that someone is thinking about you every moment of your life. What they think is another matter entirely.
I know from experience that even though my family is extremely torn apart, I think of them often. I expect it is the same for them. Of course I don't believe these thoughts are all happy and nice, but some must be.
If one choses to care about what their family or the people they meet thinks of them, it is a battle lost when begun. We can't control how someone perceives us, especially those who know us well.

0 Replies

@stevecook172001,

Could be just as much obsessing about acceptance and fishing for myself.

I used to perform street poetry, and was a dancer in a troupe of street performers.
Maybe I just miss the applause?

Thanks

2 Replies

@PUNKEY,

PUNKEY wrote:

CARELESS
Glenn Miller
- words and music by Lew Quadling, Eddy Howard and Dick Jurgens

Careless
Now that you've got me loving you
You're careless
Careless in everything you do
You break appointments and think you are smart
If you're not careful
You'll break my heart

Careless
Now that my bridges all are burned
You're careless
Careless in things where I'm concerned
Are you just careless as you seem to be
Or do you just care less for me?

Thank you for this, it is utterly blissful.

0 Replies

@sometime sun,

Obviously I haven't gotten the hang of the quote function - I didn't mean to post that last quote without a reply underneath.

I see that you are still quite young. In my case, I believe age is a factor in not caring so much any more about what people think of me. I know I'm a good person, and that's what matters most.

You seem very wise for your age. I especially like the last paragraph you wrote in the above quote box. Keep on shining, sun!

1 Reply

@Setanta,

Setanta wrote:

stevecook172001 wrote:
Absolutely bang on the nail Mr Squinny

That's Miss Squinny to you, Bubba.

Whoops!

0 Replies

@sometime sun,

sometime sun wrote:

Could be just as much obsessing about acceptance and fishing for myself.

I used to perform street poetry, and was a dancer in a troupe of street performers.
Maybe I just miss the applause?

Thanks

You're welcome SS

I trust and hope you know my post, to which you replied, was not done with bad intent. Just honesty.

1 Reply

@Krumple,

Krumple wrote:

Thank you Sun, you proved something to everyone here once again. The other thread you wrote before this one, I got personally attacked for critiquing your line of questioning and this whole thread has been pretty much nothing but critiquing your line of questioning. No one took you up on your over all point at all. Just for that reason, I am going to.

I'm not going to lie about or to myself.

Krumple wrote:

We are definitely social creatures, although everyone varies on just how much. But at the same time we have our retreat moments. Even if you find someone you are totally comparable with and get a long with in every situation or scenario you will eventually get on each others nerves at some point. Keep this concept in mind because I want to bring up some other points as well and then connect them all together.

Yes it goes into love only being unconditional while you still do not expect anything form the other.
Once you learn someone you come to suspect them more...?

Krumple wrote:

Another aspect about the human condition is that even though we "praise" people who are not judgmental, our brains are actually designed to be judgmental. It is a survival instinct to deduce and reduce a person, as a way to determine intent. Now we have a dichotomy with modern society, since we don't have to rely very heavily on determining if the person standing next to you is going to try to kill you for your meal or will you need to run away from the tiger hiding in the bushes outside your house. Keep this aspect in mind too.

Reflexed Reductionism.
Now there is something we could go into?
What is the worry and stress would be the opposite of reductionism.
What is the opposite termed?
Yes our natural reflex to assess your situation and lively hood has been lost so where goes all the pent up need to suspect and assess?
Turns into this form of narcissus.

Krumple wrote:

The last part of human behavior that I want to bring up is the insistent need to be accepted. This also varies from person to person. You can try to make the argument that there are certain individuals who want to be a recluse and thrive in that atmosphere. However; i don't think it is something chosen but instead more like forced upon them in two ways. Either they have not found others who accept them or they refuse to surround themselves with people who they don't accept.

Is there not the third, that some do not wish to be accepted?

Krumple wrote:

So these three aspects to human condition are evolutionary in nature and have survivability aspects to them. We are community species which means we rely on others of our species for our own survival. So this immediately means that we require an ability to not only interact with others of our species but we must also understand how to interact with them. So we have developed quite a few skills in determining the most suitable method.

Matrix of development?

Krumple wrote:

Some of these traits are taught, and others are just innate. The combination will determine what kind of person you will be within the social group. They each play an important role too. You can't have a fully functioning society full of extroverts that are always struggling for the attention. It will break down in a constant non stop attempt to be the center of attention, and nothing will get done. You also can't have a society full of leaders either because there will just be a constant battle for power. You also can't have a society full of introverts either, because they won't interact enough to rely on each other.

Natural subjugation, natural supplication, supplementing the need in the group for the extrovert with the introvert, naturally manoeuvred into positions.
What if you do not take your place in line willingly?
What if you are kicked out of line?

Krumple wrote:

You need to have a diverse mesh of them for the proper functioning. So we have developed psychological ways of determining who is who and this will dictate how we interact with them. By recognizing what the next person is, will ultimately determine how you will function. So this type of interaction that you are referring to is nothing more than this whole process of determining where you are, what group you belong to, and the method by which everyone else determines what group you belong to.

(granted there are more social groups than I have mentioned, but I just wanted to use the most extreme examples for quicker analysis)

This may be very valid, but the questions also go some way to interacting with yourself, either with people or without them, more so the without, because it is the non participatory who are the ones who question them selves and doubt as I do.

Thanks for your time and insights. Valuable.

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Sometime Sun, I don't understand what you think you said that resulted in people here criticizing you, not caring about your feelings. But, you called a bunch of people on this forum "scary." And, now, you are obsessing about maybe they don't care about your feelings? Did you care about theirs?

I think maybe you just mis-worded your first post. Are you certain that you think these people's opinions are scary, as in "frightening," to you? It's probably their anger that is scary. Anger is frightening in others, at times, and some here did explain why they appear angry. They spoke of how they had been treated, spoken to, before you came along with your "scary" remark. If you had said, "Your anger is scary to me," the ensuing firestorm could have been eliminated, maybe. You could have then asked, "Why are you so angry?" Then, we're discussing anger instead of scary.

You made a statement about a group of people, perhaps even a judgment call. They are scary because their views differ from yours? You are apparently very young? Live a little while, and you may change your views too.

1 Reply

@ABYA,

Yes I find it best when questioning to search for every formation in case you leave out the lynch pin.
(Funny expression that "lynch pin"means you may be trying to hang or be hung, funny)

I do care about my intention to be a t peace with others.

I do care about not offending others.

I have my own attitude, its the right attitude for me.

and they don't need to be corrected by me.

I am not perfect as I am, and I do need correction.

I wish I could be so still and calm as you are in your judgements and analysis of others.
I am clearly not as strong as you.

Thank you for your participation it has been valuable.

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@A Lyn Fei,

Hi A Lyn,

This is one for the mind...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bv4eGLt6KvM

xxx
mark...

0 Replies

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