Embarrassed!?

If you wish for the thread major and the questions I ask and don't wish to hear me bleat on please quickly scroll down to where you see EMBARRASSMENT and from there on is the investigation I would love to spend time with you on. The rest is self servicing, you may wish to skip it to the content.

I have come straight here before anywhere else because this is the first thing I feel I must get out before I go and try to salvage my previous creations.

To my mind and feeling I have embarrassed myself twice since being here.

This thread is not for you to give me more examples or to show me up any further than I have done so myself, it is a thread that will go some way to say sorry and some way to investigate the phenomena of embarrassment.

Two times there are words I on later inspection disagree with myself about, and feel embarrassed about.
Two times I have avoided going back to see there what I had written.
Two times I am in fear of my own ignorance.

I do not use ignorance as excuse I use it as the fact it is in the nature of all.
We all fall down sometimes.
We all forget ourselves and or someone else once in a while.

Any way, to be totally self critical and self effacing of my person and work, I thought due to the severity and illusion of the ignorances in question I ought not hide from it or you and avoid it or you any longer.
And to be totally fair and equal to those I may have hurt or offended or been disrespectful toward I though I should do a self check and work check and ego check for all to see, so as to not lose my hope that I have not lost all chance of a welcome place in your heart mind or conscience.
Or at least to cleanse myself with a confession or two.

The first post in question and source of my embarrassment was this and was my first thread to try and get some answers and attention.
sometime sun wrote;
"I really thought I was better than this but it keeps niggling me and have come the the simple conclusion, that if the case is that people who don't even say what it is they don't like or understand this means they are just being trolls.
It finally means my vanity will be gone, because there is absolutely no way to logically measure the worth of a topic or question by the number next to it any more as it is open to personality biased idiots who don't even have the stones to tell someone what it is they dislike or what I now reckon have a total lack of imagination and intelligence about the subject.
Cowards and idiots the lot of you.
Won't even face me you utter losers."

First let us see what I think is wrong here,
I come with prejudgements for someone who says he does not like to judge.
We all do but I like to think of myself as fair headed and giving of the benefit of the doubt before I make assumptions, especially when the assumption is a negative one.
I made prejudgements, I was wrong and I am sorry.
Secondly I seem to have some pride floating around in there, thinking that my understanding of the topic is of a higher level than that of those who I do not take into consideration.
I did not take into consideration that of the reader and writer alike,
but more so that of the reader because it is obviously addressing someone or thing.
For being prideful and for not taking another's view and aspect into full consideration before that of my own I was wrong and I am sorry.
Thirdly I see a very self interested selfish aspect of my self here.
Which as it was my first introduction to the wider fields of you I was also telling you a lie about myself.
I was being a show off.
It was smoke and mirrors.
This post does not describe me or show me honestly,
not showing correctly either who and how I practice and participate with myself and with others.
I lied about myself.
By being a dick head I not only cheated you of my usual bright and eager self I denied myself that of your best and most informed judgement and evaluation. The best and most worthy work we can do is that with the ego not instituted.
I am sorry to you and myself, I was a liar, I was self involved and I was selfish.
I am sorry I may have lost you before we even had a chance.
I was wrong
Sabotage.
Fourthly I thought my grasp on the situation was more warranted than anyone else before I had taken the time to gently and respectfully enquire instead of making assumptions, this shows a superiority complex and that I was of the mind I was better than something, even someone, as you see the post ends in ridicule,
and that my first emotional reaction was more important than that of investigation,
this shows intolerance, personal preference and even that prejudice has ruled.
For my intolerance and prejudice I was wrong and I am sorry.
Finally (and there may be more but we will stop here)
I called persons names, persons I had never met nor given the chance to defend their position before verbally attacking them with names and labels I know are hurtful because they hurt me when I am called them, even though I will if shown the source agree that this is what I am.
But just because I agree at times I am a coward and at times an idiot and the biggest loser always, does not mean I enjoy or revel in such states. And does not mean I welcome others calling me names,
which means when I used those words in the heat of my ignorance I then all to quickly and to easily became the perfect example of all three.
I do not call people names, I really have little idea why I did this,
I do not know nor understand nor excuse my self for what I see as a bullying tactic and lowest form of intellect I can imagine,
calling people hurtful names for the express reason to puff out a chest that inside a heart is shriveling,
it made me sound and look spoilt and ridiculous.

I suppose that is why they call it ridicule because it is ridiculous.

Highly unintelligent and worse unimaginative.
I may be a fool sometimes and utterly enjoy it on occasion but I have only ever been a fool for the express reason to entertain others, this was just plumb stupid self entertainment and thrill seeking.
So I was the coward, the idiot and the loser which I am sorry for. I was wrong.
I may not even still understand what the feature is for, but there is way to ask for participation and answers and it is not done in such a way as I demonstrated.
I am sorry and I was wrong.
Now you may want to skip this because I am about to go into trying to explain and understand myself and actions and it may come across as justification and not taking responsibility for my actions, which I am trying to show that I do at least try to be responsible.
The reasons I think that I made these mistakes,
I was scared, this happens often but it has never manifested in this way before,
being thrown into a strange new land and felt I had to defend.
Ended up defending against my own imagination, no matter how many people may have been unpleasant to me up until that moment, I had no right nor case to tar everyone with the same brush before I had even learned the ropes.
I was trying to be the big man, I was trying to show off, and thought this may actually impress some of you,
or at least to hold you off before you started to fire at me, (I see this has not worked)
you do seem to enjoy your insults and banter here (observation not condemnation), both of which I am dire and appalling at. Case and point this post.
Because I then go on through out the rest of the thread trying to back pedal and pretend like I had not just done all of the wrongs listed above.

I was putting up a wall before I had planted a garden.

I am not just a nervous person, I am also a paranoid person, I am anxious, I am easily spooked, I take everything emotionally, personally, I constantly think people are trying to attack me and hurt me, and so on and on.
I am insecure save when I get the chance to imagine and create and write and given a topic or concept or idea to analyse.
As you may have probably noticed I may be able to try competently to defend the work but terrible at defending myself.
Believe it or not I usually don't bother.
Self SABOTAGE. I possibly thought it was my old home or none.
Now I want to make it.
And find fresh chances and starts are rare.
So in case you did not get it when I said it, I am sorry for this post and embarrassed my name is attached to it.

The second post happened last night in reply to me feeling, well just overly feeling instead of thinking.
It was in reply to edgarblythe telling me that I had offended him.
sometime sun quote;
"I am truly saddened that I may have in any way or form offended you.
But to be the child here, You pushed me first.
You are not serious by saying it was out of the blue, read your first post to me again. And see there if nothing is amiss
I gave you the benefit of my doubt after you had shamed me in public, I asked you where your creative side was when making an assault upon me,
sorry if that sound like an exaggeration but that is what it felt like.
How do you think it sounds when you hear someone say to someone they don't agree with "I feel sorry for you", and be thanked for it no less,
I opened a thread in all good conscience to find if there were any atheists who would try to sooth my fears, to help me understand, to show me some compassion, not provoke the negative stereotype I am holding onto.
Even in my thread I gave you most of the benefit of the doubt and welcomed your input, I did not just think that religious people would visit this.
How were you doing any thing other than compounding fears?
Fears I may add I think I was pretty brave in actually voicing, although definitely ignorantly as I had no idea the hail storm it would bring on me.

So just in case any one thinks I meant this;
I do not nor ever have thought atheists were a justifiable fear.
Nor do I think they are deserving of my fear. (not a put down)

But forgive me if I am found regularly intimidated by them.

Again I am sorry I have offended you it is not my life's work to do such things.
And I know it is weak to say this but it is all I have;
You hurt me first.
It does not excuse me but I don't think because you are now hurt you are also excused.
Sorry,
IT WONT HAPPEN AGAIN "

Now although this addresses my concerns and I do not apologise for the content, I have one simple and true apology to make.
Some one I have already seen around and had my eye on as I like his music in the radio thread told me I had hurt and harmed him.
And just because I felt he had harmed me I made my excuse the responding post instead of addressing first and foremost what was a genuine concern that he had made me aware I had offended him.
So although I cannot apologise for trying to stick up for myself, I can apologise for not making more of an issue and address toward the hurt of another.
I was more concerned with my own pain and position than that of another.
I do not ever usually put my own feelings and placement before that of the other when they are in need.
He must have been in need because I do not believe he told me he was offended to instigate further hurt toward me.
I believe edgarblythe was in genuine need for me to either explain myself or to try to genuinely tell me that I had hurt him.
To let me know that my actions had been a cause for pain in his heart and mind.
I am embarrassed and sorry that instead of addressing his hurt more squarely and as a real concern to both him for feeling it and me for making him feel it,
instead focussing on me and my needs and feelings before that of someone who had just told me they were in need of me to stop or to soothe and then seeming to dismiss his concern so much by giving the infantile and emotionally unbalanced excuse "you pushed me first".
I still hold that this is why he got the reaction he did from me and will not apologise for my survival instinct and own emotionality.
But will apologise for not trying to save him as well.
So basically I am sorry for putting my own hurt feelings before that of someone else.
I am not sorry for the feelings but I am more sorry for his.
I am truly sorry in sorrow edgarblythe that I did not take your offence more into account before I posted this post which does not address you and your pain nearly as much as it and I should have.
I hope one day you can forgive me.

But then it is a new day and I have yet to visit the 'bad' thread in question.
I hope you are not to mean, (sun smile)
I was tired then, I will never make the mistake of posting a thread or post if it is past my bedtime, as any who will see this first I will be readdressing the 'bad' thing in a moment, Before I even start the mammouth task of replying to all in a respectful considerate manner,
I really hope I did not offend to much or many for the original thread, and the reason I do not apologise for it or feel embarrassed about that one is because I was ignorant to think that my ideas would not be taken without some form of prejudice, (not a condemnation)
I do not apologise for a clean conscience,
I had no malice or hateful or hurtful intent what so ever,
that is why I do not apologise for that one.
I also do not apologise for my occasional lapses in concentration,
we all have them and we ought all not damn our selves or each other for the occasionally silly or confusing post. And you will also find I love to be a little messy and confusing sometimes but not to make you look stupid, I just love playing with form and intent and indent, I really love to poetisise as well if you have the time to read and deconstruct and translate I can really be quite fun.
I could be less confusing and more 'real' but I don't find it always my best pursuit. If at all interested in working with me I can be pleasant and respectful and will if I come to rate you, care for you very much.
I've said my peace, I hope you can take me on my word and good intentions, if not it is always first my loss and probably my own fault.
Good evening and thanks for listening.

Now on to the questions about Embarrassment and the reason we are all here.
EMBARRASSMENT.

Are you easily embarrassed?

Are you hard to embarrass?

Do you embarrace yourself?

Can you embarrass yourself?

Is embarrassment shame or guilt with out penance regulator and absolver?
(Are we stuck with it?)

Is embarrassment an ignorant or aware emotion?
(Is it an emotion?)

Do you fear being embarrassed?

Do you welcome it from others or enjoy to make others embarrassed?

Is someone who is easily embarrassed more honest or more dishonest than someone who is never embarrassed?
(IS embarrassment honest or dishonest?)

Is embarrassment a weakness or a strength?

Is it self criticism?
Is it self critical?
Is it self circumstantial?

Does embarrassment have anything to do with hypocrisy?

Is embarrassment a form of knowledge?

Is embarrassment a form of perception?
(Is it a higher or lower self speaking?)

Is embarrassment a self regulator?
Should we listen or should it shut the heck up?

*As always, answer one, some or all the questions, better still add one of your own*

Thanks for your time and patience and don't feel embarrassed with me I welcome all your positive effort, especially if I get to know or question you further,
sometime sun.