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Major Question

 
 
Reply Wed 28 Apr, 2010 11:56 pm
So I have an internal battle going on, and there really shouldnt be one. Seeing as how i havent started my study of philosophy yet, i was hoping that i could get some feed back on this issue of mine from a philosophic view point on what to do about it because i have no idea what do do.

I am married, I love my wife every much. I would go to the end of the world for her. And yet, I find myself fantasizing about her sister...a lot. This only started a couple months ago, but it is worrisome to me.

Help. Give me opinions.
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Type: Discussion • Score: 0 • Views: 3,579 • Replies: 35
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Wisdom Seeker
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Apr, 2010 02:54 am
@chopkins,
instead on focusing on fantasizing her, focus your energy in a different spot in which you will forget about fantasizing her, have other activities.
0 Replies
 
Jebediah
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Apr, 2010 06:43 am
@chopkins,
I believe buddhist monks used to clear their minds of unwanted sexual thoughts by meditating on the images of rotten corpses. You could try that :shifty:
0 Replies
 
kennethamy
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Apr, 2010 07:05 am
@chopkins,
chopkins;157824 wrote:
So I have an internal battle going on, and there really shouldnt be one. Seeing as how i havent started my study of philosophy yet, i was hoping that i could get some feed back on this issue of mine from a philosophic view point on what to do about it because i have no idea what do do.

I am married, I love my wife every much. I would go to the end of the world for her. And yet, I find myself fantasizing about her sister...a lot. This only started a couple months ago, but it is worrisome to me.

Help. Give me opinions.


Fantasizing is all right. As long as it stops there.
0 Replies
 
HexHammer
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Apr, 2010 10:39 am
@chopkins,
Have you asked youself excatly what you desire about her? You should face your fears and be honest with your wife about it.
chopkins
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Apr, 2010 10:58 am
@HexHammer,
HexHammer;157985 wrote:
Have you asked youself excatly what you desire about her? You should face your fears and be honest with your wife about it.


yes i have asked that question, and yes i have talked to my wife about this. but she thought the feelings went away since the last time we talked. i have spent many hours trying to figure out why fantasize about her sister and the only thing i can think of that her sister has that my wife doesnt is longer hair (my wife cut hers to shoulder length and her sisters is mid back). I dont have a fetish for it, i just like long hair on girls (maybe thats the definition of fetish). But it seems kinda silly for me to be desiring another woman because of different hair length...

Thank you for all your responses. I dont think ill be able to find any rotted corpses to stare at though, there is a shortage of those in Sacramento.
HexHammer
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Apr, 2010 11:55 am
@chopkins,
chopkins;157993 wrote:
yes i have asked that question, and yes i have talked to my wife about this. but she thought the feelings went away since the last time we talked. i have spent many hours trying to figure out why fantasize about her sister and the only thing i can think of that her sister has that my wife doesnt is longer hair (my wife cut hers to shoulder length and her sisters is mid back). I dont have a fetish for it, i just like long hair on girls (maybe thats the definition of fetish). But it seems kinda silly for me to be desiring another woman because of different hair length...

Thank you for all your responses. I dont think ill be able to find any rotted corpses to stare at though, there is a shortage of those in Sacramento.
I'm sure you can find some rotten corpses or road kills on the internet.

You conciousness are filled with good reason, which will tell you to be reasonable about your illogical desire, yet your subconcious desire are strong and wrecks you a bit.

Maybe you could do a simple request that your wife grew long hair, and her sister cuts it. It may appear as a huge thing, but that may what has to be done.

Else do as other has suggested, think of rotten corpses whenever you get those forbidden desires.
0 Replies
 
salima
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Apr, 2010 06:20 pm
@chopkins,
chopkins;157824 wrote:
So I have an internal battle going on, and there really shouldnt be one. Seeing as how i havent started my study of philosophy yet, i was hoping that i could get some feed back on this issue of mine from a philosophic view point on what to do about it because i have no idea what do do.

I am married, I love my wife every much. I would go to the end of the world for her. And yet, I find myself fantasizing about her sister...a lot. This only started a couple months ago, but it is worrisome to me.

Help. Give me opinions.


you could try to really analyze what type of person you are. are you satisfied with other things in your life? or are you the type that always thinks there is something better out there that you are missing? are you
easily bored, always looking for something exciting and risky? hard to believe it could be anything superficial like a hairstyle-probably a deeper reason hiding that you havent discovered yet.

examine your feelings for your wife-why do you love her, what is it about her in particular that made you want to marry her.

also did anything change just before this, a couple of months ago?
0 Replies
 
prothero
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Apr, 2010 06:51 pm
@chopkins,
chopkins;157824 wrote:
So I have an internal battle going on, and there really shouldnt be one. Seeing as how i havent started my study of philosophy yet, i was hoping that i could get some feed back on this issue of mine from a philosophic view point on what to do about it because i have no idea what do do.

I am married, I love my wife every much. I would go to the end of the world for her. And yet, I find myself fantasizing about her sister...a lot. This only started a couple months ago, but it is worrisome to me.

Help. Give me opinions.
Although it is probably quite natural to fantasize and sometimes perhaps even to lust after another woman, you would be making a serious mistake to act upon your "desires".

Affairs almost never work out(especially with your wifes sister), do serious damage (often end) your primary relationship and you often find yourself in another relationship having the same problems. That is because the problem is frequently you and you can not escape yourself.
kennethamy
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Apr, 2010 06:53 pm
@prothero,
prothero;158141 wrote:
Although it is probably quite natural to fantasize and sometimes perhaps even to lust after another woman, you would be making a serious mistake to act upon your "desires".

.


Why did you place the word desire between quote marks. Do you think he doesn't desire his sister-in-law? Why?
Pangloss
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Apr, 2010 06:57 pm
@chopkins,
For once I agree with kennethamy.

Fantasizing is perfectly natural, and those desires are a part of us. It's just biology. I would say, fantasize away, and don't punish yourself or feel guilty for it...just as long as it does not turn into an obsession, and as long as you don't act on these feelings. Then you will run into trouble.
kennethamy
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Apr, 2010 07:02 pm
@Pangloss,
Pangloss;158145 wrote:
For once I agree with kennethamy.

Fantasizing is perfectly natural, and those desires are a part of us. It's just biology. I would say, fantasize away, and don't punish yourself or feel guilty for it...just as long as it does not turn into an obsession, and as long as you don't act on these feelings. Then you will run into trouble.


Jesus said, "But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28 NKJV)

Well, as long as it is only "in his heart". No big deal.
0 Replies
 
salima
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Apr, 2010 07:08 pm
@Pangloss,
Pangloss;158145 wrote:
For once I agree with kennethamy.

Fantasizing is perfectly natural, and those desires are a part of us. It's just biology. I would say, fantasize away, and don't punish yourself or feel guilty for it...just as long as it does not turn into an obsession, and as long as you don't act on these feelings. Then you will run into trouble.


hello pangloss! havent run into you in awhile...

i think the fellow wouldnt have posted unless it was already turning into a problem for him though. if a relationship is satisfying, is fantasy still likely to happen? i think the fantasies should be together for the couple-not each one have separate fantasies.

jeez...the guy's wife might be fantasizing about the mailman. ever hear that song 'who's making love to your old lady while you are out making love?'
Pangloss
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Apr, 2010 07:15 pm
@salima,
salima;158152 wrote:

i think the fellow wouldnt have posted unless it was already turning into a problem for him though. if a relationship is satisfying, is fantasy still likely to happen? i think the fantasies should be together for the couple-not each one have separate fantasies.

jeez...the guy's wife might be fantasizing about the mailman. ever hear that song 'who's making love to your old lady while you are out making love?'


Hi Salima,

That could be, but I suspect perhaps that he's posted it because, somewhere along the line, he's been taught that fantasizing about another woman is immoral, and now he's on a guilt trip because of it. My solution is this-- realize that it's natural, and that there is nothing wrong or immoral about the fantasizing. Then, once the guilt is gone, this fantasy will slowly slip away too. Sometimes a "guilty pleasure", or guilty fantasy in this case, is only there because it has the allure of being something taboo. Feeling lots of guilt is probably also causing him to focus even more on his fantasies, thus perpetuating them.
kennethamy
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Apr, 2010 07:18 pm
@Pangloss,
Pangloss;158155 wrote:
Hi Salima,

That could be, but I suspect perhaps that he's posted it because, somewhere along the line, he's been taught that fantasizing about another woman is immoral, and now he's on a guilt trip because of it. My solution is this-- realize that it's natural, and that there is nothing wrong or immoral about the fantasizing. Then, once the guilt is gone, this fantasy will slowly slip away too. Sometimes a "guilty pleasure", or guilty fantasy in this case, is only there because it has the allure of being something taboo. Feeling lots of guilt is probably also causing him to focus even more on his fantasies, thus perpetuating them.


Why do you think that what is natural cannot also be immoral? It is, I guess, natural to steal if you can get away with it.
Pangloss
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Apr, 2010 07:22 pm
@kennethamy,
kennethamy;158156 wrote:
Why do you think that what is natural cannot also be immoral?


I don't think this, and didn't say this, but you might make this conclusion by doing what you're best at- twisting people's words around.

kennethamy;158156 wrote:
It is, I guess, natural to steal if you can get away with it.


How so? It's one thing to claim that sexual desire is natural; that's a given. It's another to claim that stealing is natural, or wired into our biology the way that lust is.
kennethamy
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Apr, 2010 08:14 pm
@Pangloss,
Pangloss;158159 wrote:
I don't think this, and didn't say this, but you might make this conclusion by doing what you're best at- twisting people's words around.



How so? It's one thing to claim that sexual desire is natural; that's a given. It's another to claim that stealing is natural, or wired into our biology the way that lust is.


Then, what did you mean by, " My solution is this-- realize that it's natural, and that there is nothing wrong or immoral about the fantasizing."?

I don't want to dispute about whether stealing is natural or not. But, suppose it were, would it then be moral? That is the issue. So, that sexual desire for someone not your wife but your sister-in-law may or may not be natural, but suppose it is. Why can't it be immoral too?
William
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Apr, 2010 08:23 pm
@Pangloss,
kennethamy;157914 wrote:
Fantasizing is all right. As long as it stops there.


Pangloss;158145 wrote:
For once I agree with kennethamy.

Fantasizing is perfectly natural, and those desires are a part of us. It's just biology. I would say, fantasize away, and don't punish yourself or feel guilty for it...just as long as it does not turn into an obsession, and as long as you don't act on these feelings. Then you will run into trouble.


Hello Pangloss my friend; Ha, actually I agreed with you regarding our perpetual devils advocate to all but himself. But as you notice by the immediate above responses, he seems to thrive on antagonism. I have never ignored anyone one on the forum, but I am getting close. Ken, just how many mirrors do you have in your home?

As far a the OP, Chopkins fantasizing is quite normal but if you are indeed in love with your spouse, it should pass. If it doesn't, I promise you your wife will pick up on it as time goes on and she "gets to know you better". The you that is you to her will allow even the slightest indiscretions to become apparent to her when her sister is around. You can count on it.

William
kennethamy
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Apr, 2010 08:26 pm
@William,
William;158184 wrote:
. I have never ignored anyone one on the forum, but I am getting close. Ken,

William


Your loss........
0 Replies
 
Pangloss
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Apr, 2010 08:45 pm
@kennethamy,
kennethamy;158182 wrote:
Then, what did you mean by, " My solution is this-- realize that it's natural, and that there is nothing wrong or immoral about the fantasizing."?

I don't want to dispute about whether stealing is natural or not. But, suppose it were, would it then be moral? That is the issue. So, that sexual desire for someone not your wife but your sister-in-law may or may not be natural, but suppose it is. Why can't it be immoral too?


What did I mean? You already have the quote right there, would you like me to dissect it for you? I said that the desire is both natural and not immoral. Isn't that clear? Nowhere did I state that what is natural is necessarily moral or vice versa, though you may have incorrectly inferred it. Can we move on now boss? Or should we continue to delve into the non-substantive here... :sarcastic:

---------- Post added 04-29-2010 at 09:52 PM ----------

William;158184 wrote:
Hello Pangloss my friend; Ha, actually I agreed with you regarding our perpetual devils advocate to all but himself. But as you notice by the immediate above responses, he seems to thrive on antagonism. I have never ignored anyone one on the forum, but I am getting close. Ken, just how many mirrors do you have in your home?


Hey William- It's one thing to play devil's advocate, but its another thing to hijack threads by nitpicking each individual post that someone makes...:Not-Impressed:
 

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