Unconventional Thoughts

@RiseandbeHeard,

RiseandbeHeard;88846 wrote:

Over the past month or so I've had thoughts, and these thoughts turned into impulses and are slowly forming into plans of action; and these thoughts are very, very violent ones. It started with wanted to hurt myself, but I saw the obvious flaws in that, and my mind ended up on fatally injuring at the very least, the people that I have to deal with on a daily basis, who don't deserve to live, for they are wasting and ruining other peoples lives.

Who are you to make such a decision on who deserves not to live? Just because you don't like the way someone behaves or believes or acts doesn't give you the right to make life choices for them. No matter what they are doing, if you harm them, you are just as guilty as you see them to be. Don't you see the hypocrisy in your thoughts?

1 Reply

@Krumple,

If you want me to be perfectly honest, you're not helping anything. I obviously don't like the thoughts that are in my head, other wise i wouldn't have asked for help. And you immediately judged me when you read that, another thing that really grinds my gears. Please learn to read deeper into whats before you eyes, I hate these thoughts, so of course I see the slight hypocrisy. Why would I ask for help if I didn't have a problem with these thoughts?

1 Reply

@RiseandbeHeard,

There are many doors before me.

No matter which one I choose, I can't back up and try again.

This is when I'm free to choose who I will be.

1 Reply

@Arjuna,

I feel like I'm a part of an experiment like that of Pavlov's Dog. I keep going back to the other doors and getting shocked, so I feel like I have one door left before me, and have no other choice but to take it. And really the only thing I hoped to accomplish by posting all this, is so that I could tell someone; I really wasn't expecting a change of my mental processes.

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@RiseandbeHeard,

I guess before I can even think to respond appropriately I must ask, why did you choose to go into military school? And do you want out?

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@Holiday20310401,

It wasn't my choice, I got sent here three years ago due to my actions deemed inappropriate by my guardians back home. And I don't know if 'want out' is an appropriate statement; more so I would like for it to be a real military school that if there's a problem between two men, they fight, and problem solved. There are snitches every where, I can't scratch my ass without looking both ways to make sure there isn't someone standing there who'll run to the nearest superior. A whole lot of pussies that mommy and daddy couldn't take care of so they send them here for discipline, and when their children are disciplined they get a call home from some crying little kid who in turn calls the school and *****es about it; the school doesn't deserve to have to title military in it's name; it's become more of a prep school with military uniforms and basic structure. Beyond that it's nothing like a military school should be. So no I don't neccisarily want out, I just want to be able to do something about disrespectful kids who haven't served the time, or earned the right to act how they act.

2 Replies

@RiseandbeHeard,

Our passions tend to change insensibly into other related passions, especially where they are facilitated by a similar transition of ideas. While ideas admit of many relations between each other, contiguity, resemblance, causation, our passions only share the relation of resemblance with each other. This isn't necessarily a sign of something wrong, it is how the mind operates always, even when its operations are considered just, reasonable or even wise.

Your own testimony is evidence of this, your original urge was to hurt yourself, but by the relations of ideas you decided that was unreasonable and so your urge to hurt self transitioned into the urge to hurt others.

If you don't think your desire to hurt people is facilitated by sound reasoning, it should be possible to trace up the succession of passions and ideas that results in your desire to hurt people to its source. Find the original negative passion. A careful examination of the transitions of passions and ideas should reveal the error that you expect there to be.

Judging from my own experience with such things (well we've all had the urge to hurt someone at some point right?) my guess is that the original passion is probably one you don't feel comfortable admitting to, like (for example) shame, which would provide motivation for the mind to find a transition to some related but less uncomfortable passion, like anger. They bear the relation of resemblance to each other, so all that is required is a transition of ideas, and as the mind is uncomfortable with shame (using shame for the sake of this example) and seeking relief, if care is not taken it can make the transition through a hasty relation of ideas that does not hold up under scrutiny.

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@RiseandbeHeard,

RiseandbeHeard;88846 wrote:

Over the past month or so I've had thoughts, and these thoughts turned into impulses and are slowly forming into plans of action; and these thoughts are very, very violent ones. It started with wanted to hurt myself, but I saw the obvious flaws in that, and my mind ended up on fatally injuring at the very least, the people that I have to deal with on a daily basis, who don't deserve to live, for they are wasting and ruining other peoples lives.

if you really believe you wont be able to control yourself or will eventually not wish to restrain yourself, you might want to see a doctor or counselor. the school, due to the type of students it takes, is not a good place for anyone to learn social skills, so you may also want to opt out of that and find one that will put you back a few steps in the area of learning social behavior that will keep you out of jail and out of the hospital.

i can only guess you are somewhere between the ages of 15 and 18. it would seem the older is the most likely, and you are coming towards the time when you will be able to make all your own decisions. you will have to earn your own living and choose your own lifestyle. dont make a big mistake now that will cause you to have to give up that chance to do things your way.

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@RiseandbeHeard,

Rise...

What you're expressing sounds familiar; I hope you find a way out of this feeling before irreparable damage is done to yourself or others. Here's my advice, take it for what its worth:

Talk to Someone: I mean sit down and pour it out - find a friend or confidant you can trust and let loose with all that's in your head. We need this from time to time, human beings. Yes I think it's a good idea you find a staff member there you can trust, I also think that if you have a counseling or psychiatric resource available - use it! Not so much because I think you're psycho, but these people are generally better equipped to hear it all and assess what the issue is. Trust is in short supply these days; folks whose capacity is to listen and advise to you are a good place to start. If you don't trust them, remember: If trust is ever to be established, one of the two parties involved must take that leap to give it a shot; otherwise, it never comes.

Relax: There's a couple of things about frustration and rage you might want to keep in mind. First off, often times the human brain uses displacement when the true source of conflict or pain can't be directly resolved; thus, we end up getting upset at people or things that are not really the source of our anger. In other words, understand that though you're angry with the people around you, its quite likely they're not the TRUE source of whatever's going on. Secondly, remember you cannot change people - nothing you do will alter or reap any justice. Let it go; don't try to force a behavioral change and don't try to impose justice on them. Put quite simply, you don't have the right.

Understand: What you think might be going on with other people, in the way they act and treat others, generally isn't. If you're at all inclined to look at this situation philosophically, then watch them, befriend them, engage them and chill out! You'll do a lot better trying to understand first rather than just jumping to the "I'm going to fix this"-stage. Oh, and one more thing: You're probably wrong, do NOT act on yourself or others based on what you "think" is happening.

So yea, I guess my recommendation would be to just relax and understand that your head is a complicated place; and in this condition, cannot (and should not) act to "fix the world" by hurting yourself or anyone else - it just doesn't work... period. Talk to someone who can help - there's pressure between them ears that has a source and needs to be relieved.

Good Luck

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@RiseandbeHeard,

If I were you try focusing on yourself rather then the other annnoying kids. It sounds like you're angry, having thoughts that some dont deserve to live, you mean some people waste their lives? That is true. But try to make the most out of where you are, to gain something out of it, you may not thing you can because it's hopeless but you can change it and that way you progress and move on and you're not so hacked off all the time, rise above it.

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@RiseandbeHeard,

I might say it in another way, in different words and from a different perspective, but Khethil's advice is precisely what I would give.
What is important is that you realise, I might add, that the natural rage at all the imperfections of the world, when done in isolation blindly feeds on itself because it is unchallenged, and becomes a snowball careening down a hillside, growing bigger and strong and heavier with each minute.
We call it blind rage, but by this we mean that it fails to see anything but what it wants to see. Eventually you have no option BUT to see it one way. You must break the isolated thinking before it becomes unbreakable.

1 Reply

@jgweed,

Seems like you have received a variety of good responses from folks that obviously care to give them. Know that you are amongst friends.

RiseandbeHeard;88846 wrote:

Over the past month or so I've had thoughts, and these thoughts turned into impulses and are slowly forming into plans of action; and these thoughts are very, very violent ones. It started with wanted to hurt myself, but I saw the obvious flaws in that, and my mind ended up on fatally injuring at the very least, the people that I have to deal with on a daily basis, who don't deserve to live, for they are wasting and ruining other peoples lives.

Understand what you are saying here however, they are alive and doing whatever it is they are doing. They may not deserve to live as you see it, but if you do something to them, you're doing it to yourself... Problem is you may not realize the extent of it until you get older.

Consider it one of life's unique experiences and play the game to the best of your ability. For every negative there is a positive and this applies to everything. Work hard to see the positives in these instances and blind yourself from the negative portions of it.

RiseandbeHeard;88901 wrote:

I feel like I'm a part of an experiment like that of Pavlov's Dog. I keep going back to the other doors and getting shocked, so I feel like I have one door left before me, and have no other choice but to take it. And really the only thing I hoped to accomplish by posting all this, is so that I could tell someone; I really wasn't expecting a change of my mental processes.

Well, you asked a bunch of armchair philosophers. LOL. No worries.

As far as changing your mental processes, I'm not sure I'd call it that but you do have control over how you see or perceive things in, 'Your World'. Outside of that, everything is completely out of your control. So work on what you can control and your perception of what's going on is what you have the ability to control. So take it with a grain of salt and try hard to see the good things and rise above the situations that bring out frustration and rage.

We cannot control how others perceive life, we can only control how we perceive life. When we allow others to get us off our square, we surrender what control we do have and that's not a weakness in others, that's weakness in oneself.

At one time I had feelings like you've described and never had a forum to go on or someone to talk to that would allow me to realize what it was that I had control over. With age and experience and of course the school of hard knocks. With time I've grown more to understand these situations or hands that we are dealt with in life and wish I'd have had something like this forum available to me when I was growing up. I encourage you to take not of the positive aspects of all negative situations.

RiseandbeHeard;88922 wrote:

It wasn't my choice, I got sent here three years ago due to my actions deemed inappropriate by my guardians back home. And I don't know if 'want out' is an appropriate statement; more so I would like for it to be a real military school that if there's a problem between two men, they fight, and problem solved. There are snitches every where, I can't scratch my ass without looking both ways to make sure there isn't someone standing there who'll run to the nearest superior. A whole lot of pussies that mommy and daddy couldn't take care of so they send them here for discipline, and when their children are disciplined they get a call home from some crying little kid who in turn calls the school and *****es about it; the school doesn't deserve to have to title military in it's name; it's become more of a prep school with military uniforms and basic structure. Beyond that it's nothing like a military school should be. So no I don't neccisarily want out, I just want to be able to do something about disrespectful kids who haven't served the time, or earned the right to act how they act.

Welcome to the real world. Many of us have jobs and families that we could describe the same way. Oh well, don't let that stuff get to you, get over this hump and realize you can only control how you look at it. You are going to experience much more in life and much more in the future and you'll have to make a choice to get through these things.

Here's a song I'd like you to listen to carefully even though it may be above your age but not your understanding. It's a good one for all of us to listen to carefully. Peace my friend!

YouTube - Get Over It (Eagles)

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@RiseandbeHeard,

Hey Rise,
"My advice, 'Just pull down your pants, and slide on the ice'." (from the 'M.A.S.H.' psychiatrist)

More serious advice:
1. Try not to take yourself so seriously; live life just for the humor of it.
2. Get stoned immediately. "Everyone must get stoned" (R. Zimmerman)
3. Get laid before doing 2.
4. Repeat 2 & 3 as frequently as is possible, and 1 will take care of itself.

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

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@RiseandbeHeard,

Everything is better now. Quantum Physics is the ****. Enjoy your lives everyone!

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