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Fri 13 Feb, 2009 06:51 pm
How to Have a Great Valentine's Day
Ok, so as the third entry in my Self-Help series, we're going to talk about How to Have a Great Valentine's Day. This self-help guide is only for singles; for couples... meh. And this guide is applicable to both men and women, especially if the woman has bought a strap-on. Ok, let's begin.
1. Kiss that imaginary lover. Ok, so you don't have a significant other yet. But you have to have that right attitude and get practice. So. imagine you just woke up, just turn to the other side of the bed and kiss! Take your time kissing, don't rush it, and polish up that French kissing technique. If you can't handle air, you might want to try kissing your pillow.
2. Destroy or throw away at least one momento of your exes, if any. Those people who dated and dumped you don't belong on this Valentine's Day, especially if you want it to be a great one. A picture of your ex, for example, is a great combustable; just set it on fire and let it Burn Burn Burn, in a burning ring of fire. If you never dated before or never gotten a momento, you can skip this step.
3. Go out and have a romantic lunch for two. To continue your optimism for a great Valentine's Day, book a reservation at the fanciest restaurant or cafe for two. When you go there, have a rose with you and sign that says, "Would you be my Valentine? Here's an open seat for you!" Make sure to buy expensive dishes like Lobster Thermidor FOR TWO in order to show potential Valentine's you can offer a great time. There's bound to be someone who's so hungry he or she will be your Valentine.
4. Go do something that will qualify this date to be "great". If a great day for you is bungee jumping without dying; go do it!! Hopefully you won't die today!
5. Go home and have unprotected sex. You just picked up this guy or girl today, so you know he or she's probably desperate to have sex. Go back home, kiss, and do the nasty thing. Hopefully you practiced kissing earlier today, so you won't suck so much now!
6. Find out you have acquired an STD. That'll suck won't it? So you'll say something to the effect of, "That's just GREAT! I NOW HAVE CHLAMYDIA!" So following this guide, you will have a Great Valentine's Day!
Alright, thank you, and Good luck on V-Days!
@Victor Eremita,
If you practice what you preach, you're going to have a rather strange day tomorrow my friend.
@Zetherin,
how is getting an std meaningful on valentines day:perplexed:
@MITech,
I think Victor's post is sarcastic, folks.
And I know it's funny!
Seriously, though, don't have unprotected sex. STDs are no fun. Brad Knowles knew what he was talking about when he said "get strapped with protection or strapped with disease"
@Didymos Thomas,
Didymos Thomas wrote:I think Victor's post is sarcastic, folks.
And I know it's funny!
Seriously, though, don't have unprotected sex. STDs are no fun. Brad Knowles knew what he was talking about when he said "get strapped with protection or strapped with disease"
Unprotected sex is fine if you're with a stable partner and you've both been tested. It's the irresponsibility and carelessness in sleeping with many while unprotected that's the problem!
I understood the humor, though, and my post was in a jocular fashion too... I pictured someone going to lunch with a blowup doll
@Zetherin,
Are you making fun of people who go to lunch with blow up dolls? My date and I had a fine Valentines Day, thank you.
@Didymos Thomas,
Didymos Thomas wrote:Are you making fun of people who go to lunch with blow up dolls? My date and I had a fine Valentines Day, thank you.
Even though you were joking, you're right! I actually just saw a documentary regarding blowup dolls, those ones people spend 2-3 grand on in order to look as *real* as possible. I really shouldn't make fun, to each their own!
@Zetherin,
Good lord, I had no idea you could spend so much on a blow up doll. 2 or 3 grand should be plenty of money to woo a woman: what are these people thinking? Sounds unhealthy to me.
@Victor Eremita,
lol, DT is right, it's the pun between great as fantastic and great as sarcasm.
@Didymos Thomas,
Didymos Thomas wrote:Good lord, I had no idea you could spend so much on a blow up doll. 2 or 3 grand should be plenty of money to woo a woman: what are these people thinking? Sounds unhealthy to me.
Not half as weird as the fleshlight....Eugh.....
@Victor Eremita,
Well, well, well...I am a bit disappointed. I mean--
if I read it right--this is not supposed to be for couples? I really think the people over at Sinclair (goggling might work for this, or Better Sex) would be disappointed too. Anyway. . . hee, hee, hee...
I look forward to the '
How to have a great White Day' entry. (and in case some of you may not be in the know on this, it's the Japanese chocolate and women's undergarment makers 'baby'--the day on which the men return to the women for the stuff they got from the women on Feb. 14th. It falls on March 14th. )
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