Talking to a Toddler About Race

Of course you must teach your child as you choose but the fact that she mentioned it so matter-of-factly, and was correct no less, and then moved on like it was no big deal says alot for the baby. It sounds like a very healthy start.

I agree. I think my approach might be hedging the question of whether or not this distinction actually means anything to the sozlet. My guess is that it doesn't, and that's our future!

Caveat: I'm no parent.

I just wanna say one thing. I grew up indoctrinated with racist teachings. I really believed that all blacks were cursed by God (because of Ham, long story) and that Jews were all cursed as well ("His blood be upon us and our children").

I was taught that the slavery for blacks and holocaust for Jews was a punishment from God and that they deserved it.

I thought it was quite mean but I believed every word.

I was a homophobic racist as a child, I thought Jews were all Anti-Christs and blacks were all cursed because of a homosexual and a drunk dude.

I believed the teachings, I remember saying some quite disgusting things about homosexuals in particular.

But all of that dissapated when I was simply put in contact with these people I was taught to hate. I could count on one hand the number of black people I spoke to before I turned ten. But when I started living alone and went to Jr. Highschool I finally came in contact with the people I was taught to discriminate against and my opinions changed very fast.

What I'm trying to say is that I think it makes a much bigger difference whether the child is exposed to diversity or not than what the child is taught to think about it.

The only black kids I ever knew as a child (not many blacks were thrilled to join a cult that said they were all cursed) I treated as aliens. My first comment to them was that I heard that blacks can run fast (this was around the time when Ben Johnson broke records and got caught doping, and when I first noticed race's relation to athletic ability).

The group of kids crowded around these poor girls asking them insipid questions about if they feel bad for being black and such (which I'm sure we helped ).

Despite this very odd, very racist, background, when I was kicked out of the cult I went to school and got to make up my own mind.

I played a lot of basketball with black kids and I learned very quickly that I had an intolerant and ignorant outlook. I was quite pissed and the next time I saw my mom I yelled at her for teaching me that crap (turns out the cult realized how racist they were and published a half-hearted apology called "The uncursed sons of Ham" while I was out learning the same lesson myself).

All it took for me was contact. In the absense of contact ridiculous notions entered my head. With mere contact with them the views I was taught went away very quickly (I'm talking a matter of a few weeks).

Sozobe--

What's to discuss. She knows some kids are black and some are white; some are girls and some are boys. Eventually she'll learn that some people are nicer than others.

You don't have to tackle race relations head on. Individual differences will come up all the time--in all categories. Don't limit yourself to race--life comes with hundreds of stereotypes. Not all girls are pushy because Susie is pushy. Not all boys are crybabies because Billy cries.

In NYC in the early '60's, I had a pair of articulate toddlers with voices that carried. I found out I'd much rather discuss picking up my birth control pills in the drugstore in front of a line of strangers, than answer "Why is that man black?"

Incidently, the answer for that one is, "Why are you pink?"

Right now, you and her father have formed the Sozelet's opinions--and she's a card-carrying, unprejudiced liberal. Congratulations. Hold your dominion.

Malcolm X said that when he saw blacks and whites in harmony in Mecca his notions about race fell away.
Kids are not natural racists. It takes the ignorance of adults to make them begin to cultivate false notions about race. My children had black friends early on. They had some struggles when misguided other kids of both colors began to act on their parents' misinformation, but they all grew up with a healthy understanding - and tolerance.

Thanks, all. eoe, I hadn't thought of it that way. You're right.

Craven, interesting. When it came up recently that you had been in the same cult as River Phoenix, I looked it up and read about it. Talk about demented. Damn.

I agree that in general, parental teaching can only go so far. Experience is a powerful teacher, and one that parents can't completely control. That's part of why she is in these classes... our immediate neighborhood is blindingly white, but the park district programs are much more diverse.

However, idealist that I am, and knowing that my lessons may or may not stick, I'm still trying to figure out what it is I want to teach.

Noddy, good answer.

This stuff is easy to over-think... for example, in fairy tales (which she consumes voraciously), black is almost always bad and white is almost always good. Do I address this somehow now that she is apparently using those terms in reference to people?

Hmmm. I keep coming back to Noddy's "What's to teach"... I think the main thing is not to shy away from it and not to overdo it.

I remember when I was really young hearing Aretha and being convinced I could grow up to be just like her. I took a few years before I realized I was born this colour and would remain so.
The first time my three years old son met an african man, a very very black man, we were sitting next to each other on a bus. My son, his eyes huge, watched the man and finally reached out and touched him. The man gave a huge white smile and my boy crawled over unto his lap and continued to explore and ask questions. I sat stunned not knowing what to do. The man told me he wished the first white person he met would have done the same for him as a boy.
Once my boy realized this was just another guy, he got bored and went back to reading his book. I'll never forget this man's patience and understanding.
Ceili

It is important for children to develop their concept identity, and they can do this without developing racist and sexist beliefs.

Children ask questions about race in the same way they talk about being boys or girls or the colour of their hair. It is important to answer them honestly and calmly. It is how they explore the world and knowing about cultural and physical differences doesn't make them racist or sexist.

It is very wise to not appear (or be) uncomfortable about race in front of your daughter, or she might pick up on your nervousness and develop a sense that there is something wrong with belonging to a different race. You could help her by talking about differences in a positive or neutral way. Things like "Look at that beautiful dress M- is wearing to celebrate Diwali." or " S--'s was born in Sudan and they travelled on an aeroplane for two whole days to come live with us in Australia" (or whatever is appropriate in your situation).

I work on occasion in early childhood education and we sometimes use "persona dolls" , dolls intended to portray a role or persona (all different ages, sexes and races as well as occasional handicaps. Talking to children about these subjects in a supportive, non-prejudiced fashion helps the children learn themselves and others in a positive way. Also, it encourages children to respect other cultures and religions.

Anyway, don't worry. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job with the Sozlet and it is unlikely that she will develop racist beliefs unless you encourage her (which, of course, you are not going to do).

Yeah I agree with you sozobe - but I guess how to do it, but still have that same vision that everyone is equal and to be fair to others - no one better than some one else, etc.

You can embrace differences, but yet respect others and actually enjoy those differences. Even for them at this young age they realize there are differences - different hair color, tall, thin, pretty, etc. But what they do not see is a different treatment because of these differences.

A great documentary that I saw was "Brown eye/Blue eye". It really taught and hit home about race. Not sure if that is appropriate for my girls, but I guess I will just use these "teachable" moments like in the case of the Color of Friendship.

Thanks for reviving this thread -- Linkat I read the other thread but didn't contribute because my kids were younger (like sozlet was at the time this thread started) when they started realizing the different shades of skin color. They started noticing "brown people" and describing our family in terms of "brown, a little bit brown, and white". I think there is a lot to what Craven says about exposure. You don't have to teach kids not to be racist, you just have to refrain from teaching them to be racist.

A funny story my brother told me about a family he knows. The little boy, 3 or 4 years old, had a black doctor. The doctor was the only black person he knew and he was from a place where there weren't very many black people. When his family traveled to Atlanta, he got off the plane, looked around, and said "Mom, there sure are a lot of doctors here!"

Can you imagine how amused his parents were once they understood how his little mind had twisted it all around?
How cute.

heh....I love it....that's really great.

sozobe-
Kids occasionally listen to what we say, but they always watch what we do.
I think your little Sozlet will get the exactly the lessons about how to treat individual people that she needs from you - because you are a decent person who cares about such things.

When she gets old enough, you can tell her about the "race" baggage that has been handed down to us - about how once the whole country had a bad chronic illness, but that we have been getting better all the time.

But in the mean time, I applaud and understand your concern - but not to worry.

That's nice of you to say, snood, thanks. :-) And I very much agree with say/ do.

This thread is from three years ago -- I mentioned on Linkat's thread that started the revival of this one that sozlet and I had a pretty thorough talk about slavery last year, and she was quite upset about that ("what??") but seemed to process it OK... I'm sure it's one of those things that will keep being added to as she's able to understand it. (Good books help a lot there, wish I could remember the name of the one about the underground railroad that started our discussion.)

FreeDuck, I love it...!

The underground railroad is an interesting one -- I remember loving to learn about that as a kid. Duckie is getting a lot of information from school via ML King day too. They do a pretty good job there. We also have a lot of local resources when the kids get old enough to process more detailed info.

Soz, I have "An I Can Read Book" titled, The Drinking Gourd by FN Monjo. It's age rated at 4-8 and is subtitled, "A Story of the Underground Railroad". I don't know if that's the one you were thinking about, but it's a good one.

Young reader stories about Rosa Parks and Ruby Bridges are also available in addition to MLK. The schools in our area are doing more and more multi-cultural lessons. We are in an almost all-white community but a couple years ago our 6th graders were paired with kids from Jack Benny Middle School in Waukegan which is mostly black. The pairs spent the year as pen pals and field trips were arranged to visit both schools. At the end of the year the kids and parents all got together for a program and party which featured Ruby Bridges as the keynote speaker. It was a great experience for everyone.