Thu 6 May, 2010 10:37 am
STOOPID LAWYER QUESTIONS
The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide:
1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
3. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
4. Was it you or your younger brother that was killed in the war?
5. The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
6. Were you alone or by yourself?
7. How long have you been a French Canadian?
8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
Q: What were you doing at that time?
13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.
14. So you were gone until you returned?
15. Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edinton at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid ****, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
When police ask people involved in auto collisions to describe the events in their own words, the descriptions often make it clear the accidents were at least mysteriously unavoidable and at most acts of God. Some actual examples from police files:
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn't have."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of it's intentions."
"I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand throught it."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"I pulled away from the side fo the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing."
"In my attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole."
"I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on ny way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car."
"I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident."
"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into another vehicle."
"The other car attempted to cut in front of me so I, with my right front bumper, removed his left rear tail light."
"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."
"I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished."
"I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat I found that I had fractured my skull."
"I was sure that old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him."
"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go so I ran over him."
Great Political Quotes
"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job"
- George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign
"This is a great day for France!"
- Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral
"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'"
- George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students
"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh...setbacks."
- George Bush
"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here."
- Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989
"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland."
- William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address
"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at."
- George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline
"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me."
- George Bush
"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed."
- Ronald Reagan
"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
- Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
- Dan Quayle
"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed."
- Ronald Reagan
Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize.
Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time.
To make this even more interesting ... I'd love to read the responses (the ones not given).