blouss, Your English is fine.
no problem - we get the idea
heck I'm english and cannot even write 8-% of the time
Parenting is a lot like coaching a sports team. You help guide the teenagers with healthy training in decision-making skills and confidence in their ability to make the right decision. Once the training in those skills is done, you have to stand back and let them play the game.
Your role as coach doesn't stop there. There's always the after-game analysis and pre-game predictions and advice to discuss and practice with your kid.
Kids always need and want to know that the coach is available to them for consultation and pep talks. Parents always need and want to know that their kid is willing to give the decision-making skills they were taught a fighting chance to succeed
There are certain rules that I followed based on what the topic is about and teenagers might disagree about: I can only enforce these rules however until they turn 18: Note I am 41 and have no children of my own yet but plans to have some soon.
1. No body piercing other than ears.
2. No tattoos regardless if they are hidden or not. especially if they are visible. A comedienne once defined tatoo as "in a very competitive job market, how can you make yourself less competitive" I agree with him 100%
3. No drugs of any kind
4. Drinking alcoholic beverages allowed only in the house during special occasion with permission.
I have not formulated my other rules yet!
As a general statement, I think parents should interfere when they suspect their child is acting outside they own value system - and for safety as husker pointed out.
Meaning - I had friends my parents didn't like, but as long as I was home on time, told them where I was going and wasn't getting into trouble, they wouldn't tell me I couldn't remain friends with the person. A parent needs to rely on the teens sense of values to determine whether or not the friend is influencing them in a bad way. If it was obvious - like coming home all hours, dropping school - my parents would 'forbid' me (never had that happen). It doesn't always work, but if my parents did a good job, it has a better chance of working.
I don't think parents should snoop. I've always kept a journal, had my secrets, but they never pressed. I was never into drugs or drinking (unless it was a random beer, and my mother smelled it, and then I paid) so they never had reason. If this was seriously suspected, and you're doing it, then a teen should expect confrontation, pestering, and serious interference.
I've also had boyfriends my parents couldn't stand for one reason or another - just personality issues. They made it known loud and clear, but let me make my own choices.
So, that's a long explanation, but I think the bottom line is - there are little things, like friends they clash with, and big things like idiot drug addict boyfriends or girlfriends. If you keep yourself smart and safe there will be no major interference and any that does occur may be a bit overbearing. If your up to things you wouldn't ever want your mother to know, well, you're asking for it.
About 5 years ago my then 12 yr old son stayed home sick, and the mrs was at the school that day. I tried to telephone him and the tele was busy going on 45 minutes this made be a little crazy. So I tried to log on to my AOL IM, low and behold the sucker was already logged on. In those days we shared emails computer and IM identities. So I did a new quickie ID - a skateboarder and got myself invited to his little chat party - drew him and the other 5 right on in, got a few to give me a tele#, but my kid wouldn't - after a short time I said "just get off the computer and I'll call you now" "busted" the little chat community all went off line in an instant.
I called home and got the kid on the tele, "dad?"
yes? "I'm home sick" oh really, what are you doing?
"nothing", I explained I need the truth now and he knew what I meant. Today we kind of laugh about it and he tell's me about everything - I think
Hi, blouss, and welcome. My daughter's a young teen and by some people's standards I'm pretty loose with her. She does a lot independently, but I still worry and would interfere if I thought she was putting herself in danger in any way.
She's an intelligent, responsible kid (with a messy room, but that's not dangerous, just sloppy) and we talk openly about a lot of things. So if she wants to go off for the weekend with her friends (friends I know, and I know their parents) and it's OK with the other household, fine. They can come here, too.
If she wants to leave that house before the agreed-on return, she calls me. She shares what's up in her life and lets me know her problems as well as her successes. In other words, she shows me that she can be trusted, so I do.
