My little plot of Soil

The post card reads "I wish you were here" and instead of thinking "I wish I was there" all I can think is "I wish I was anywhere but here"

A cold sweat, a hot bed, and a silent fan have been that which keeps me company these last few nights. Visions of past events floating in and out of a semi clouded mind.

I read someone on on of RJB fact thread. That only 10 percent of soldiers shoot to kill. I wish I could say I wasn't part of that number. It's the one thing I always told myself I would never do. That I would never take a life. The only thing that kept me from joining the army, the only reason I took a job that didn't put me in the situation. And yet I ended up there anyways.

I resent myself for taking a life. Who was I to be the person to take what is so precious from someone? What right of mine was it?

seed, that's what soldiers do.

it's their job. as much as it sucks.

kill or be killed.

21st century man at his finest.

you will find some peace, I have faith...

Seed.... You have to find someone to talk to. It doesn't sound like you should be alone these days. Do you have a VFW or a American Legion you can go to to see if you can find a mentor or something?

I wish I could offer any sage words of advice but I'm not qualified and haven't experienced the obvious traumas that you have. My service in Iraq was a mere field trip. I'm really worried about you.

In context, I really hate that statement. Not you, just the statement and what it means.

I talk to people. the VFW here is a bit of a joke. Just guys drinking beer. Not much of a support system there. I spent about 2 months talking to a professional before I left the Army, they wanted to medicate me. I am not an advocate for that.

it means that you were but a small pawn in the hands of our future.

doing your job.

I think you did the right thing for your head in getting out.

I don't envy you starting over. but I think you are going about it in the right way. and time does help. eventually.

you are already breaking new ground, I've seen it.

stay true to you, and you will go far.

hugs.

That's what I feared. Plus they can be a tad ... too conservative.


That's what I thought for many years. I don't want to belabor the issue. On one hand, I can't say that the medicine (low level Fluoxetine aka generic Prozac) is keeping the depression completely at bay, in theory it's supposed to help cushion the lows. So the crashes won't be so devastating.

Do you have access to counseling regardless if you're not taking any medication or not?

I may have asked this before... forgive my flightiness.

I would imagine that you, Seed, could get hooked up with a therapist who would try to help without pushing drugs..... Does the military pay for those services?

Not any more that I am out of the service.

Though I might be able to get them to pay if I went through the VA.

Though the whole things makes me doubt myself as a good person. I know you all will say that I am a good person. And I believe you all think that. I do my best to be a good person, but when you, when I, look back on it all, it's hard to think a good person would do those things.

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that you are a good person.

I'll second that.

and I rarely back a lame horse.

The VA Hospital is the greatest resource a veteran can ever have. Do not be afraid to use them.

Only a good person would question his or her moral position after such traumatic life's worth of experiences boiled down in such a brief period of time. If you weren't a good person Seed, you would walking away from Iraq with nary a care in the world.

I hope I'm not kicking around what I mean to say and I hope it doesn't sound too hokey. Your self questioning conscience is your humanity trying to heal itself.

I ate some chocolate cake. I feel better.

now I know you're gonna be ok...

got milk?

Chocolate chocolate cake? Or just chocolate cake? Big slice or little slice? With or without ice cream?

seed, there's more than a few of us here who have been where you are. there are no aswers, there is time and growing into the yourself that you intend to become.. forget the VFW. you will become by becoming, guilt is no more than regretting that you can't change the past.
bob

Chocolate cake with chocolate icing. A big, I want to drown my depression in the rich goodness of sweetness and never see it again size slice. I don't generally do ice cream with cake unless the cake is fresh and still hot.

another thing, seriously relationships with women, confide very little because they never forget. take my advice with a grain of salt as that' what it's worth.