My little plot of Soil

@Seed,

Seed wrote:

I don't cry. I don't know why. What I mean is when something important happens that warrants tears, they never come. When my grandmother died when I was in middle school I never shed a tear. I remember sitting at the wake and holding my Aunt's hand as she balled. She thanked me for being a strong little boy for her. I was maybe 12 at the time. I have always been good at hiding my sadness and most other emotions from others. I have always, and still am the shoulder that people lean on.

When my best friend was killed in Iraq in front of me, I didn't have a chance to do anything. I had to get up and take his spot behind the mounted gun and do what I was trained for. After the fight, after we got back to our base, it was just motions. I never shed a tear.

This has lead to a weird kind of thing for me. I get choked up at and teary eyed at the most corniest things. I can hear a heart warming story and get a lump in my throat. I see something sad in a movie and tear run down my cheeks. Oh and please don't let an animal get hurt in a movie. Marely and Me DESTROYED me. Brought me to a blubbering mass of tears and sniffling. Going to see a sappy girl movie on a date and I gotta be fast at "yawning" or "sneezing" to get rid of the tears.

I feel like I should cry but I can't do it. I have tried but it just doesn't come.

Crying is not necessary, unless it comes naturally. It does not mean you can't express your feelings other ways. I think people who know you very well would realize it and make no harsh judgement.

1 Reply

I'm kind of like that too, Seed. I don't cry in the expected moments. Sometimes later, privately. Sometimes not at all. But let me watch a child nervously perform in a play, and I'm reaching for the kleenex.

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@edgarblythe,

As far as I know, no one has ever made a judgment in a negative way about me on the subject, of course other then myself.

I didn't put the two together for a long time. Not crying and being over emotional when it came to sappy things on tv.

I remember when I was in highschool. Senior year, and I was out of options for college. I was trying to get a Teaching Fellows Scholarship and a few baseball scholarships fell through for me. (ironically I got the teaching fellows scholarship but had to turn it down because of the army as well as a small baseball scholarship) I was talking to my guidance counselor telling her how scared I was and then out of no where I broke down, shaking and crying. First time I remember ever crying out of no where. Shook the bloody hell out of me. That's probably the last time I cried over something because I was scared or worried or upset.

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I have not cried for my brother, who died the day before this past Easter. But he is in my mind day and night. Last night, I dreamt he and I were on a long journey by car, just like forty years ago.

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@Eva,

Eva wrote:

I'm kind of like that too, Seed. I don't cry in the expected moments. Sometimes later, privately. Sometimes not at all. But let me watch a child nervously perform in a play, and I'm reaching for the kleenex.

Yea, I totally understand that.

Edgar:
After my best friend died, I had many dreams about him. I think the dreams hurt more then his death

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@Seed,

Crying is way over-rated.

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I was raised by my grandparents, and when my grandfather died, i was devastated by the event. A few months later, my sister attacked me because i hadn't cried over his death. She just didn't understand. Outward behavior is not necessarily a sign of one's feelings. I had a huge hole in the center of me, that caused me untold grief for years to come, and which has never fully healed. That i did not cry is meaningless.

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A friend of mine died just a few weeks ago, young, from cancer. I haven't cried at all.

10 minutes into Disney's "Up" I was a mess. I always cry in movies. What is that? I dunno. Maybe it's because of the escapism.

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@Eorl,

Well, art has something of a cathartic role, no? Especially drama.

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@Seed,

Quote:

Not crying and being over emotional when it came to sappy things on tv.

Not sure what the "proper" standard is for how emotional you are allowed to get over things on TV!

(Hint: I don't think there IS one!)

I think crying can be very relieving, whenever it occurs....

I wish I cried LESS! I cry way too easily in real life, and it's embarrassing.

Cry when you want to, seedling.

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@Letty,

That is the cutest thing I have ever seen!

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@Seed,

You're second post, best thing I've heard in a long time. Marry me??

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@Seed,

Perhaps you can sow a seed of a work in creative writing, Seed?

Just as long as you don't start planting well fertilized ideological Brussels sprouts then I'll happily help you to till this plot of land. I got me a couple of gently used oxen as well as a new plow!

And mind you, that's not a whip in my hand, it's a bat shaped iPod speaker. My dearest oxen friends won't work without a bit of music. Some country, some tango, a little classic R&B. They have a shared eclectic sensibility.

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@dyslexia,

dyslexia wrote:

my therapist says it would be a nice change if I had some thoughts in my head.

Is thoughtlessness a side effect of too much Zen mediation?

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I'm one of the lucky ones, I think I've finally talked myself out of all the 'be strong, don't cry' stuff I learned at Irish funerals. (At least, the Irish funerals our family had.) The women would weep softly and the men would sit silent, eyes not quite clear, but no tears. Now when the emotions rise and the voice in my head says "Don't cry." I ask "and why not?" The voice never has a good answer, but I have a good cry, not too much, just enough to feel better.

That's just me. You'll find your own way.

I'm sorry about your friend, seed.

Some nights at the end of the PBS Newshour, they show the pictures and the names of those who have died in our present wars. I read their names and the ages and their hometowns and I think about their families, the spouses, the children, the parents and the friends who are here left behind. I cry a little for the dead, but I cry a bit more for all of those who, still here with us, must bear the true sorrow and loss.

My thoughts are with you today.

Joe(mebbe a tear or two)Nation

1 Reply

@BarbieQPickle,

Quote:

You're second post, best thing I've heard in a long time. Marry me??

For a modest fee I will perform the ceremony. I also do cheap burials and household cleaning. Ask about our three weddings for the price of two offer.

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@tsarstepan,

I do a lot of creative writing actually. I have all kinds of thoughts in my head that I put down on paper. I first came here because I was looking for people to go over my poems (teenage angst about women) and the short stories I wrote.

I think this is more of a way to try and understand who I am. I am almost 28 and I have a sense of who I am, but even when I look in the mirror I see someone looking back. I say with sadness that the face looking back is not the same face that was there 5 years ago. That face did not have the many nightmares and atrocities that now haunt its eyes.

I am still the same person that finds joy in making someone happy. The same person who finds sorrow when I can't bring that person such happiness. But I seem to be a more distant person.

I wrote this last night and posted it in Edgar's thread:

Quote:

I just want to share my secrets with you
In hopes that you wont run away
What hides in me, is me
I want you to be apart of that
Know me as i know myself
So I can see you as you see yourself

It was not written to anyone other then myself. I feel there are secrets still inside of me. They have a dark cloud over them. Mostly dealing with what I did in Iraq. I don't that terms have been come to over it. I believe I did what I did because I had to. That much I am sure of. But it is coming to terms that I was actually able to do what i did that has me scared. Has me ready to run.

1 Reply

@Joe Nation,

Crying has never been something that was looked down by my family. My father was never one to say "stop crying" if I was sad. Though he was always telling me I need to be strong.

As for hearing names of those lost in war, when the news runs the names I have to look away. I have seen to many friends lost to it and it seems like one more might be the straw to break the camels back, so to speak.

1 Reply

@Seed,

mmmmmmmmmm...

just sitting here, thinking...could write so much but can't... but ya know...

Quote:

Has me ready to run.

so, will just pull over a beanbag and sit a while

http://us.123rf.com/400wm/400/400/eastwest/eastwest0605/eastwest060500084/401098.jpg

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@Seed,

I hear that. I call it being 'on the brim'.

It lasted a long time for me, even though I am no combat veteran. I was an Intelligence Coordinator sitting in Central Texas throughout my enlistment in the USAF, but I had many friends in the different services who were in country or otherwise in harm's way. I think all of us grieved for those who didn't make it back.

And you never know when the grief may spring up at you. In the 1980's, well after I thought all thoughts of those killed in the war were gone, I got to see a replica of the Viet Nam Wall. A replica, not even the real thing, but guess what? As I stood there with my son, all of sadness and loss just surrounded me as if it was all new.

Bawled my eyes out that day.

Take your time. Talk to people who know what you're going through. You'll be okay.

When they interview you on your 99th birthday about your life, you will still be on the brim about those days. And that's okay.

Joe(-.-)Nation

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My little plot of Soil

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