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birth dad relased from prison and wants vistion

 
 
Reply Wed 27 Jan, 2010 03:00 am
The birth dad of my 10 yr child who has been in jail and prison for 8 yrs and has not paid child support (ever) or seen her in 6 yrs, as been relased and wants vistion. The dad of my other 2 children( who has fincially and emtionally supported her) wants to adopt her , where do i start? we "daddy" live in different states. Another big thing is , we are not married. We have been the jr/high school sweethearts off/ on for 20yrs. My 10yr knows of her bio father, but as only really known " daddy" I know his jail n prison is for drugs, violation and poss murder charge. My daughter is scared the bio- father will take away her " daddy" She doesnt wan to talk to him, and I just wish he would see, she is happy, very good and loves this man who wants her. I want to do what is best and " daddy" has been there for all of us. what do I do?
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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 8,814 • Replies: 34
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BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Wed 27 Jan, 2010 05:29 am
@fdustwings,
Off hand, first the non-paying of child support seem somewhat a moot issue if the man had been in prison for 8 years.

Your second mate/partner seem a far better as a husband/partner and a father but he is sadly not the one who father your daughter and you can not change that fact by waving a magic wand.

Is this man under some form of probation and does your contacts so far with him seem to indicate he is now a reasonable man or not? Do you think he is some form of a danger to the girl or yourself? Have a court ended his rights as a father or not?

If he is under control of a probation department then getting them involved might or might no prove helpful.

Suggest in any case you begin to work hard to reduce the fears of the little girl toward her father and consider allowing some phones calls between them once more base on him being reasonable and not a likely threat to anyone in your family

With possible visits far in the future if at all.

See a lawyer also at once.

Good luck.













0 Replies
 
edgarblythe
 
  1  
Reply Wed 27 Jan, 2010 05:32 am
I am not certain at what age it applies, but beyond a certain age, a child will not be forced by the law to visit with a parent against her will.
BillRM
 
  0  
Reply Wed 27 Jan, 2010 06:19 am
@edgarblythe,
Quote:
I am not certain at what age it applies, but beyond a certain age, a child will not be forced by the law to visit with a parent against her will.


It is surely over ten and second I do not think a court would view one parent using her control of a child to place any unreasonable fears of another parent into a child mind in a very favorable light.

So is there any reason to fear this man or not and if not why should he not have some limited and control contacts with the child?

Once more see a lawyer and once more think what is in the true long term best interest of the child.
engineer
 
  2  
Reply Wed 27 Jan, 2010 07:22 am
@fdustwings,
Welcome to A2K. This is a really tough question and I'm interested in seeing how the community comes down on it. Did he show any interest before going to jail? Is there a reason to feel he would be dangerous? Does he want visitation rights, or just to visit? I can see a man getting out of jail wanting to establish some connection to outside society and family. If he wanted to meet you (mother, daughter, maybe new man as well) at a restaurant for dinner, I think that might be worthwhile for your daughter even though she might be upset at the prospect. Since he is essentially a stranger to your daughter, I would not support allowing him unsupervised visitation at this point.
0 Replies
 
fdustwings
 
  1  
Reply Thu 28 Jan, 2010 07:15 pm
@BillRM,
The feelings my daughter has tolds her bio-dad is and has neer been an influence of me the mom. I have never spoke ill of him only for the fact he has never been apart of our lives. i have no issues with him calling her but the month long visition is not in our minds at this point. This other man has been her daddy for 7 yrs and doesn't want to lose as well. Please dont assume I have ever made any bad marks on her bio-dad to my child. I dont believe in saying things of such adult talk to a 10yr child. Not my place to hurt in anyway. Just wanted advice. Thank you.
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Fri 29 Jan, 2010 08:45 am
@fdustwings,
The facts are your current partner is the stepfather not the father and if your daughter can also have a loving relationship with her birth father if would be of benefit to your daughter. It would not take anything away from her that I can see or do her or your family as a whole any harm.

Second, you did not reply stating that this man is some form of danger to her or you and therefore he have, as must rights to be part of your daughter life as you would if the situation was reverse.

Say you had gotten in some trouble with the law and when you were released the father who has a new relationship and family wish to block your access to your own daughter. His partner could be the loving stepmother but you would still be the mother and still would have rights to be part of your daughter life.

In my opinion, he should and does indeed have a right to be granted some access and some part in the life of his own flesh and blood unless he is indeed a danger to her or you. Your little girl fears over having her father be a part of her life can and in my opinion should be reduce by your efforts.

Short of a time machine where you could go back and change who father your daughter you can not turn a stepfather into her biological father. This comment is coming from a man who is a stepfather who love his wife children and now grandchildren as must as any biological father could but I am still not the biological father or grandfather no matter how I might wish if was otherwise.

If is an uncomfortable situation but one that will not be make better by trying to wave a magic wand to removed the gentleman from your and her life.

A month visit indeed seem over the top but a week visit where he could have a few meetings with his daughter with you along seem not unreasonable.


0 Replies
 
engineer
 
  1  
Reply Fri 29 Jan, 2010 09:29 am
@fdustwings,
Can you help us out with more details? What are his legal rights now? Does he have visitation rights or some level of joint custody? If he has legal rights, then you must at least honor those unless you have a reasonable fear for your child (and it doesn't sound like that is the case.)
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Fri 29 Jan, 2010 12:27 pm
@engineer,
Engineer it would be far better for her daughter if she can work this out with the man without getting the legal system involved.

If he can not be shown to be a danger to his child then even a man with a prison record have a right to see his child but what a sad road it would be if he needed to end up in court to enforce that right.



engineer
 
  1  
Reply Fri 29 Jan, 2010 12:39 pm
@BillRM,
I agree, that's why I'm asking. I'm not sure if she is asking about legal demands from her ex or requests. If he has legal rights, she should honor those immediately. If he has no legal rights, then she has a lot more freedom.
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Fri 29 Jan, 2010 01:06 pm
@engineer,
Her freedom is limited, as even with no current courts orders existing he does indeed have legal rights to see his child and all he need to do is to file with the local family court system to enforce those rights, unless a court already had found reasons to end his parental rights and that seem highly unlikely.

That would be a costly road to follow in terms of dollars and emotions for everyone and she would be far better off to reach an agreement with the man if possible.

From the content of her first posting she seem to wish to shut him out of his daughter life and replaced him with her current partner and that is not going to happen under our legal system unless it can be proven he is a danger to his child.


engineer
 
  1  
Reply Fri 29 Jan, 2010 01:38 pm
@BillRM,
We're in agreement. Fdustwings needs to determine / admit what her ex's rights are and comply. If, for some reason, he has no rights then the picture is different.
fdustwings
 
  1  
Reply Fri 29 Jan, 2010 04:54 pm
@engineer,
The bio-dad has no legal rights. And I have never once posted the fact that this other man was ever gonna replace the bio-dad. He is who is is and I have no prob w the talking or even meeting. Its the long visition that we have a prob with. You have got to understand this man has never had a relationship with my daughter. She is 10 and knows really nothing of this man. My partner has been her daddy is all ways besides bio- this I understand. I am not trying to earse this other man just protecting my children. If something where to happen to me my children should stay together in a loving family. I know nothing of this bio-dad anymore. Remember he has been in jail or prison over half her life. No calls nor letters to my daughter. This man very well could have changed his life around. Good for him, but at the same time he has 2 other daughters out there and he has not contacted them at all. So I am leery why now and why her. My job as a parent is to protect and make my chi;dren feel secure. This does not make scence to me and until he shows some sort of proof he has changed and real reasons why he popped out of the blue, phone calls ( when my daughter feels she can) is where is starts.
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Fri 29 Jan, 2010 08:15 pm
@fdustwings,
Your first posting concerning your current partner desiring to adopt her seem to indicate to me a wish to shut the man out and the man might not at this time have any court orders however as the bio-dad a trip to the local family courts would likely grant him such orders. There is a different between having legal rights and having court orders at this moment. Is this man listed as the father on her birth cert. by the way as if not then he had a slightly longer road to travel to gain a court order needing to prove first to the court that he is the father.

Now you have zero and I mean zero obligation to host him during a visit to your state/area so if he is going to be in your area for a month so what? Your posting about his long visit is therefore somewhat confusing to me as surely you do not mean that he is expecting you to be hosting him for that period of time.

I would suggest being upfront with him about your concerns in any case and offering him a few visits with you and your partner supervising with the child during the time he is in your area and that is all.
engineer
 
  1  
Reply Fri 29 Jan, 2010 10:21 pm
@BillRM,
If, as you say, he has no parental rights, I would not give unsupervised visitation to this man as he is a complete stranger to your daughter and pretty much a stranger to you. I would go with your daughter and meet him in a public place. If that works out, consider a second visit.
0 Replies
 
Phoenix32890
 
  2  
Reply Sat 30 Jan, 2010 12:38 am
@fdustwings,
Is your child's bio father listed as her father on her birth certificate? If not, I don't think that he can do much legally. If he is listed as her father, you might want to contact an attorney and ask for advice.
0 Replies
 
aidan
 
  1  
Reply Sat 30 Jan, 2010 02:25 am
@fdustwings,
I would take your daughter's feelings and opinions into account first and foremost and ask her biological father to give her the same respect. You said in the first post that she is ten years old and feels uncomfortable meeting her biological father. I would honor those feelings.
I would explain to her father that she's not ready to meet him and ask him to wait until she feels more comfortable.
I would try to explain to him that in the long run, that approach would probably have a much better chance of ending successfully in terms of any future relationship between the two of them.
He might feel ready to meet his daughter - but she's not ready to meet him.
And since she had nothing to do with creating this sad situation for him - he should understand that he needs to put her feelings and needs before his.
I'm thinking of myself at ten, and if someone told me I had to go meet someone I didn't know and spend a month away from my family where I felt safe and secure and stay with that person - I'd be terrified.

I adopted my daughter. She is and never has been interested in meeting her biological family, and not having been adopted, I can only respect her feelings and wishes - so I can't imagine forcing her to do that, especially at the very tender and emotionally vulnerable age of ten. There are all sorts of issues and feelings this sort of thing could bring up in her that if not handled sensitively could result in lifelong problems.

I'd listen to my daughter and ask her dad to have enough respect for her to do the same.
He owes her at least that much - it sounds like she doesn't owe him much of anything.
saab
 
  1  
Reply Sat 30 Jan, 2010 03:11 am
@aidan,
aiden,
your answer is very good as you are thinking more about the child than the bio father. For a ten year old the caring father is her father and not her bio father.
Her feelings are much more important at the moment than the feelings of her bio father.


fdustwings

Would you let her spend a few hours in the home of a friend if she were afraid of someone in the house - a big brother or a dog or whatever? No you probably would not. Why then even think about her having to spend time with an ex con she is afraid of just because he is her bio father?
Is he going to be around where you live and see her on daily basis for one month or is he going to bring her to his place?
Why does he want her for one month? It sounds very strange.
Very few 10 year old would like to spend one month away from home (if that is what he wants )and friends with someone they know - with few exeptions of people they really love.
He is out of prison, what kind of livingquarters can he offer her? Or is he going to be around where you live and see her on daily basis for one month?
Can you be sure he brings her back after visitation? There are plenty of sad stories of fathers who have kidnapped their children.
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Sat 30 Jan, 2010 11:58 am
@saab,
Saab that is all fine and good but she picked him to be the father as she was not raped and now she have as must rights to removed him from the girl life as he would have to removed her from the girl life.

NONE.

Sorry but the step father is not the father and he have a right to get to know his daughter and a ten year old go with the existing current inside a family so if she happen to fear her father guess where that is coming from?

The law is on his side and so is the morals of the situation.

Oh as far kidnapping well if that should happen then he will end up back in prison in short order but a fear with zero foundation of likelihood is not a reason to block a father from seeing his own child.
saab
 
  2  
Reply Sat 30 Jan, 2010 12:35 pm
@BillRM,
The fear of the father might not at all come from her parents. There might be other reasons for it.
1. What does she remember about him?
2. The fear he might like her so much he will fight for getting to keep her.
3. The fear she might like him and get into a conflict with her own feelings for her step father, whom for her is her father and an ex con.
4. Fear in general about a situation a ten year old hardly can imagen.
5. The fear of what her friends will think about her having an ex con as father.

He sure has not shown much interest in that girl for several years. Even a prisoner is allowed to send Christmas cards and birthday cards to their children. So why all of sudden all this interest.
A parent is not just a parent because s/he is a biological parents. You are a parent because of the love and security you give a child.
Even if the law is on his side - there has to be common sence too.
 

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