Seed
 
Reply Fri 27 Nov, 2009 10:23 pm
So as many of you have seen, I am home. It came at the expense of me leaving my girlfriend of two plus years. Let me tell you my side of the story of what happened. Of course it is only my side of the story, but you are my friends anyways and should side with me in the matter (im kidding if I am wrong I expect to be told so).

So after coming back from Iraq things were rough. There was integration to be had. Readjusting and what not. When I told her I did not plan on staying in the Army and was going to get out and go back to school she asked me what I was going to do. I told her It hught I could move in with her. She though this was a great idea. (Upon the break up talk I found out she had thought it wasnt such a great idea).

So I get out of the army and I move in with her. She asked me to start looking for a job. Which I did. I was not moving at the pace she had wanted. In a month I had applied to about 8 jobs. (I agree it was not that many) I was utterly new to the area. I had no idea where to look. Everywhere she told me to look, the people were looking for experience. I had none. The skills that the Army had taught me were not the best skill traits to have for the job market of the place I was living as it was mostly upper scale.

Now she worked for Non profit. She made about 14 dollars an hour. The problem was thought hat f she felt a little ill she wouldnt go to work at all. She wouldn't try to rough it out and go to work. She worked alone so there was no risk of getting other people sick. She sat out of work for a whole week because she had a head ache. Then when bills came around (and yes I paid what I could.) she would blame me for her finical problems.

There was no compromise in the relationship. When i did the dishes they were never the way she wanted them and many times it would cause a fight. The outcome of the fight would be her telling me that its her way or the highway. So I would do my best to do things her way. When I asked her if maybe we could try things my way she would say no, it was her apartment and thus her rules. I felt more like a room mate then a boyfriend.

A lot of the fights were about money. I got a job and paid more of the bills. She went from stressed out and mad about everything to extremely happy. She then proceeded to tell me when I bought something for her I wasn't being smart with my money and that I needed to think about the future more. But as soon as he got money she would go out to eat at places like Olive Garden or Ruby Tuesdays. Sure they arent that expenisve but when things are tight, that kind of price for a meal when youc ould eat at home is a bit ridiculous. When I would say something about that, I would be told I was just picking fights. I don't know. Maybe I was. The thing that made me most upset though was the fact that when I told her what I wanted to do in life (i.e. college career) she told me that it wouldnt make enough money in the long run and that I needed to change my mind on what I wanted to be. I didn't ask much of her, and when I did I was given a cold stare and looked at like I was stupid.

Now I just want to say that I know I am not perfect. I know that moving in put a strain on things. But do you think I was rash with my decision? Or that I might have made a wrong one. Even though ultimately, I think I made the right one. Im just looking for a few different views on the matter. My best friend who came and helped me move, had my back and supported me because he knew it was a tough decision and didn't want to make things worse for me and put doubt in my mind when I had already come to a tough decision.
 
ossobuco
 
  0  
Reply Fri 27 Nov, 2009 10:32 pm
@Seed,
Seed, I'll be back tomorrow. Thank you for the good and long post

Be well.
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Fri 27 Nov, 2009 10:51 pm
@Seed,
Well, it seems there were several issue that worked against you, Seed.
First, it was her apartment and you were the "intruder" so to speak. You were
gone for a while and you both should have taken the time to get used to each other again before moving in together. It also would have been better to
get a new apartment (if possible) so she would not feel as protective of her own
apartment and things.

Second, she probably was looking for a more committed relationship in the near future, thus the objection of you going to college and not making any
money for the next four years. How could you support her and possible children if you're in school?

In conclusion: you both want different things in life, and are at different
stages in your life, it is all for the best that you both pursue your interests
separately.
Seed
 
  1  
Reply Fri 27 Nov, 2009 11:22 pm
@CalamityJane,
she was supportive of me going to college. And with the benefits that I was going to be getting through the army, I would have been getting a 1300 dollar check a month. She was happy with this actually. She had even sad that since that was more then she made that she could get a part time job and finish school as well.
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Fri 27 Nov, 2009 11:28 pm
@Seed,
Then I misinterpreted your statement here wrong. You said
Quote:
The thing that made me most upset though was the fact that when I told her what I wanted to do in life (i.e. college career) she told me that it wouldnt make enough money in the long run and that I needed to change my mind on what I wanted to be.
Seed
 
  1  
Reply Fri 27 Nov, 2009 11:36 pm
@CalamityJane,
Yea, as in like when I finally get out of college that salary I would make doing that job would not be enough for her plans for us in life. i.e. private school for kids, cars, house stuff like that.
0 Replies
 
hawkeye10
 
  0  
Reply Fri 27 Nov, 2009 11:49 pm
@Seed,
Have you looked at the Army divorce stats lately? They are horable for a reason, these one year deployments.

You don't tell the whole story so I am guessing here: the critical error seems to be your decision to get out, how you went about it. If you did not consult with her, asked her opinion before you decided what to do, you messed up. I don't know what your deal was. but if she supported you emotionally during Iraq and also was faithful to you sexually, and then you came back and made such a major decision with out her it would have left her feeling pissed upon.

Another problem was bad planning on your part. You come back from a year in Iraq, with all of the special pays and almost nothing to spend your money on, and with-in weeks you cant pay your way??!!. If your financial situation was that bad then maybe you should have stayed in, but even with paying child support you should not have been in that situation. A man takes care of his responsibilities, he does not rely on his woman to support him unless the deal has been pre negotiated....she lost respect for you, which was not recoverable given all of the other relationship problems post deployment.
Seed
 
  1  
Reply Sat 28 Nov, 2009 12:26 am
@hawkeye10,
As I said to start out I am telling my side of the story. Her side has not been heard. I have described several times to our friends on this site problems with my Ex wife. Statistic are all well and good when you look at them. But when you live them its a whole different ball game. It doesn't feel that great either to have someone take those statistics and then put them in your face and tell you that you helped make it that way. (not a knock at you, forgive me if it seems that way.) I will not disagree with you that I might have made poor monetary decisions. Though if you feel I had nothing to spend my money on then you are wrong.

As far as the decision to leave the Army: That was my decision to make and mine alone. Did I consult her in this decision? I did. It would have been wrong for me not to. Did she think that it was the best decision to make. No. But 25 months total spent in Iraq was not something I wanted to repeat.

You are correct as well in the fact that men should support the woman is very true. But in this day and age that is a bit dated. I am one to keep to this tradition. Did I keep it. No. Did I help support her when I could. Yes. Did I do what I could, when I could? Yes. Is a relationship supposed to be about helping each other? Yes.

Could I have tried harder? Yes. You can always try harder. Did I talk to her about the things I listed in my original post? Every chance I got. Did it get me any where? I got me threaten to be thrown out. Did I give in on my values and my thoughts to try and please her? Did I swallow my pride and ask for her help? Every day. Did she realize any of this? If she did, she did not make it known to me. I compromised over and over for her. No, that is wrong. I changed my ways of doing things and did everything the way she wanted it to be done. There was no compromise in the relationship.
msolga
 
  1  
Reply Sat 28 Nov, 2009 12:44 am
@Seed,
Quote:
As far as the decision to leave the Army: That was my decision to make and mine alone. Did I consult her in this decision? I did. It would have been wrong for me not to. Did she think that it was the best decision to make. No. But 25 months total spent in Iraq was not something I wanted to repeat.


I can fully understand why you felt you'd had enough, Seed. Maybe too much war experience already?
What were your girlfriend's reasons for thinking this (leaving the army) was the wrong decision for you to make?
(How old is she, BTW?)
Seed
 
  1  
Reply Sat 28 Nov, 2009 12:46 am
@msolga,
msolga wrote:

Quote:
I can fully understand why you felt you'd had enough, Seed. Maybe too much war experience already?
What were your girlfriend's reasons for thinking this (leaving the army) was the wrong decision for you to make?
(How old is she, BTW?)


She felt it was the smart thing to do with the economy the way it was.

She is 27 as well.
msolga
 
  1  
Reply Sat 28 Nov, 2009 12:50 am
@Seed,
Quote:
She felt it was the smart thing to do with the economy the way it was.


And how did you feel about this?
Seed
 
  1  
Reply Sat 28 Nov, 2009 12:54 am
@msolga,
I agreed that the economy was bad, but if I was to sign back up it would mean at least another 3 year tour. Which would have meant a 12 month tour in Afghanistan and thats something i couldnt do again. And it was something she said she couldnt make me do again.
msolga
 
  1  
Reply Sat 28 Nov, 2009 12:57 am
@Seed,
I can understand why you'd feel like that.

I assume you attempted to explain your feelings about this to your girlfriend?

Seed
 
  1  
Reply Sat 28 Nov, 2009 01:02 am
@msolga,
see that wasnt (or so I thought) a problem in the relationship because even though when we talked about it, she thought I should stay in, she supported me in my decision to do so.
hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Sat 28 Nov, 2009 01:08 am
@Seed,
Quote:
see that wasnt (or so I thought) a problem in the relationship because even though when we talked about it, she thought I should stay in, she supported me in my decision to do so.


Ya, but the imperative was that you make it work after you get out, that you have a plan, and that it works.

How the heck did you not have a good nest egg after deployment? Nest egg+ GI Bill and with a few side jobs you would have been fine.
msolga
 
  1  
Reply Sat 28 Nov, 2009 01:10 am
@Seed,
Oh OK.
Good for her!

(I'm really sorry to sound so poorly informed, seed, but I've honestly lost track, over time .... This is not the same girlfriend who is the mother of your child, no?)

Seed
 
  1  
Reply Sat 28 Nov, 2009 01:14 am
@hawkeye10,
that involves my ex wife not being smart and not taking my daughter to a doctor that accepted tri-care and then had to pay out of pocket for 3 ear tube surgeries. there is a story with my daughter that you may not know. A story that I am not willing to go in depth with here with you.
Seed
 
  1  
Reply Sat 28 Nov, 2009 01:14 am
@msolga,
msolga wrote:

Oh OK.
Good for her!

(I'm really sorry to sound so poorly informed, seed, but I've honestly lost track, over time .... This is not the same girlfriend who is the mother of your child, no?)




No, this is not that woman.
msolga
 
  1  
Reply Sat 28 Nov, 2009 01:16 am
@Seed,
Thanks for clarifying that, Seed. That's what I thought, but wasn't quite sure.
0 Replies
 
roger
 
  2  
Reply Sat 28 Nov, 2009 01:40 am
@Seed,
She really thought you should have re-inlisted for three years minimum, with another tour of Iraq a near certainty? Maybe from her stand point it made a certain kind of sense. It wouldn't be her going to Iraq, you could take out lots of insurance, and if you married first you could also take out an allotment in her name. I'm not at all sure how this was going to get the (future?) kids through private schooling and the rest of the American dream she had lined up, but I do see the other advantages for her.

Yeah, I think it was CJ who expressed the idea it might be best if you both follow your separate interests, separately. I'm kind of turned of on the concept of the private schools, more than anything. I've known some people with real prosperity who either couldn't afford, or didn't want their kids in private schools. She's probably right that four years of college wouldn't get you, or her there, but what wonderful civilian job did she think would do the trick with a high school education and a few years infantry experience. In spite of the ads circulating the internet, nobody's paying $150,000 for anyone to work from home, and my instincts are not telling me that kind of money would have been enough for her and her dreams.

I value my own time in the Army highly, but you couldn't pay me to do it again. Ya sure! I could have retired at half pay with another 15 years, but looking at 15 years as government property isn't inspiring any regrets.
0 Replies
 
 

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