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How to put your 'opinions' or interests across in general conversation

 
 
Reply Wed 1 Apr, 2009 04:58 pm
I like A2K and the way I can consider my responses for as long as I like, and feel safe in the fact that the only people who will be confronted by my posts are the people who take interest in them and want to reply.

My friend and I went to a concert the other day, and when we came out we started discussing it, anyway, I thought certain parts of the phrasing were pretty dry and some other elements left a bit to be desired, etc. etc. Anyway, I dismissed that and said something a bit generic about it, since I was a bit afraid of saying anything more in depth, only for my friend to say 'my point' to me as if I hadn't realised it, making me feel really stupid.

It made me realise that when I talk to most people I just aim my conversation around telling them what i think they want to hear. Is that just me or does everyone do it to some extent?
I don't want to be one of those people who talks 'at' people, but there must be some kind of compromise, because telling people what I judge to be 'their type of conversation' apart from being a bit fake, is pretty boring.

I only have 2 friends who I 'connect' with, and can talk about larger issues (which is something I like to do) I know that I can say pretty much anything about whats in my head and they'll 'get it' there will be a rapport. Yet I can't really work out how to put myself across to people who are obviously coming from a different slant.

I can't work out whether it's better to either speak about what you're interested in, even if its met with a blank response, or have to listen to someone else's ****, or say nothing.
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ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Apr, 2009 08:00 pm
@The Pentacle Queen,
The Pentacle Queen wrote:


My friend and I went to a concert the other day, and when we came out we started discussing it, anyway, I thought certain parts of the phrasing were pretty dry and some other elements left a bit to be desired, etc. etc. Anyway, I dismissed that and said something a bit generic about it, since I was a bit afraid of saying anything more in depth, only for my friend to say 'my point' to me as if I hadn't realised it, making me feel really stupid.

That is almost painfully funny and rings so true. (I've gotten more obnoxiously straightforward with age, for just this kind of reason, though more that not being straightforward is damned tiring... but straightforwardness, of course, brings allied problems.)

It made me realise that when I talk to most people I just aim my conversation around telling them what i think they want to hear. Is that just me or does everyone do it to some extent?

I believe almost everyone does this to some extent; there is a 'will to get along', unless of course we are crabby bitches like me. Which is to say that I think it is normal to seek agreement, though that can get confusing and messy if one is being, ah, sunny and bland and not meaning it.
Sometimes I can be amazed by what seems two-face-ness. A work associate saying one thing to me and just about the direct opposite to a customer (potential sale). To be nicer, let's say the work associate suddenly began to see the good in the item in question.
Always being particular and analyzing can also tire other people out, depending on the person - sometimes blando can be the necessary anodyne in a non consequential situation.



I don't want to be one of those people who talks 'at' people, but there must be some kind of compromise, because telling people what I judge to be 'their type of conversation' apart from being a bit fake, is pretty boring.

I only have 2 friends who I 'connect' with, and can talk about larger issues (which is something I like to do) I know that I can say pretty much anything about whats in my head and they'll 'get it' there will be a rapport. Yet I can't really work out how to put myself across to people who are obviously coming from a different slant.

I can't work out whether it's better to either speak about what you're interested in, even if its met with a blank response, or have to listen to someone else's ****, or say nothing.


Saying nothing can have it's good points. I should practice that more. (Excuse me, I see a person I need to talk to across the room...)

Oh, and two friends who 'get' you... that's good, very good.


ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Apr, 2009 08:06 pm
@ossobuco,
Ah, that's its.
0 Replies
 
fresco
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Apr, 2009 12:42 am
@The Pentacle Queen,
PQ,

Your observations are part of the basis of some well known esoteric systems regarding the nature of "self". (See for example references to "Gurdjieff" or "School of Practical Philosophy" aka "School of Economic Science" in the UK)
The Pentacle Queen
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Apr, 2009 04:47 am
@fresco,
Fresco, thank you. That looks REALLY interesting, and is only £20 for a whole course right next to where I live. I shall indeed consider.
0 Replies
 
The Pentacle Queen
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Apr, 2009 04:48 am
@ossobuco,
Thanks Osso, maybe the solution is to become a crabby bitch. Haha.
No, but I do think the placement of the self is a difficult thing to get right.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Apr, 2009 08:04 am
@The Pentacle Queen,
The Pentacle Queen wrote:

My friend and I went to a concert the other day, and when we came out we started discussing it, anyway, I thought certain parts of the phrasing were pretty dry and some other elements left a bit to be desired, etc. etc. Anyway, I dismissed that and said something a bit generic about it, since I was a bit afraid of saying anything more in depth, only for my friend to say 'my point' to me as if I hadn't realised it, making me feel really stupid.

Why did that make you feel stupid? Do you mean your generic comment made you feel you looked/sounded stupid because it was more superficial than her/his comment?

It made me realise that when I talk to most people I just aim my conversation around telling them what i think they want to hear. Is that just me or does everyone do it to some extent?

No, I don't tell people what I think they want to hear because a) I don't know what they want to hear, and b) I could care less that they want to hear. I used to philosophize and analyze just about everything to death and now I can't be bothered and I sure can't be bothered to explain myself to others anymore. Sometimes one can't be bothered to explain themselves, their thoughts, etc. And with people who are simpatico, there's often no need.

I don't want to be one of those people who talks 'at' people, but there must be some kind of compromise, because telling people what I judge to be 'their type of conversation' apart from being a bit fake, is pretty boring.

I would say just be yourself and say what you want. You'll develop a cadre of people you are simpatico with (like your 2 friends) and with those you don't, you won't have those types of discussions.

I only have 2 friends who I 'connect' with, and can talk about larger issues (which is something I like to do) I know that I can say pretty much anything about whats in my head and they'll 'get it' there will be a rapport. Yet I can't really work out how to put myself across to people who are obviously coming from a different slant.

I agree with Osso, you are fortunate to have 2 friends of like mind.

I can't work out whether it's better to either speak about what you're interested in, even if its met with a blank response, or have to listen to someone else's ****, or say nothing.

I would say that depends on the people you're with, the topic you're discussing, and whether you're that interested in it and them.
0 Replies
 
The Pentacle Queen
 
  1  
Reply Fri 3 Apr, 2009 05:59 am
Quote:

Why did that make you feel stupid? Do you mean your generic comment made you feel you looked/sounded stupid because it was more superficial than her/his comment?


Um, yes. And because I'm a music student and he isn't and he must have thought he made a better point than me... which is a bit embarrassing.
0 Replies
 
The Pentacle Queen
 
  1  
Reply Fri 3 Apr, 2009 06:21 am
Quote:
I agree with Osso, you are fortunate to have 2 friends of like mind.


Really? Oh.
I thought that was kind of 'the norm' to have these types of relationships.
I always count myself very lucky to have these friends though. One of them I've been friends with since I was young, and we've grown up in the same direction, the other I met on my 1st day at uni. It's funny how you 'hit it off' with people, I met him, we talked until 4 in the morning, found out we had everything in common and have been best friends ever since. I dunno, maybe I was stupid to think that's normal.
0 Replies
 
Brandon9000
 
  1  
Reply Tue 14 Apr, 2009 06:59 pm
@The Pentacle Queen,
The Pentacle Queen wrote:

...It made me realise that when I talk to most people I just aim my conversation around telling them what i think they want to hear. Is that just me or does everyone do it to some extent?

Everyone does do it to some extent, but the extent varies. Most people certainly don't simply tell people what they seem to want to hear all the time. I don't. In general, it's better to state your true opinion at least some of the time.

The Pentacle Queen wrote:

...I can't work out whether it's better to either speak about what you're interested in, even if its met with a blank response, or have to listen to someone else's ****, or say nothing.

Well, one certainly can't just walk up to people and start talking about one's own interests, with no transition and regardless of whether they seem interested, or one will be judged to be a bore. In general, I think the best results are obtained by trying to make the other person important and asking him (or her) about himself. I want to discuss my interests, but I'm resigned to the fact that I can't just launch into them without some kind of indication that it might be welcome. Another important thing is to pay close attention to the other person and see if he seems interested in what you're saying.
0 Replies
 
 

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