11 Ways to make your sex life greener...

We don’t make this stuff up, we just report it. Nobody could make this stuff up.

Fox News just issued a story titled “Eleven Ways to Make Your Sex Life Greener.” This surprised us, because we didn’t know that sex was bad for the environment.

“As we become more compelled to sustain the future, all that is erotic is becoming green,” Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright says in the report. “From seduction to sex, individuals are becoming more planet-friendly as well as body-friendly.

The story goes on to provide tips on green dating, vegetarian porn, green weddings, bamboo sheets, sustainable wooden paddles, and phthalate-free vibrators. (Dammit, man, we don’t even know what a phthalate is, but it sounds kind of kinky.)

As a public service, IHateTheMedia.com generously submits the following tip that Dr. Fulbright overlooked:

“Keep the lights off when you’re having sex with someone ugly. It will conserve energy and your self-esteem.”

6. Phthalate-Free Vibrators

In the last few years, consumers have become increasingly concerned about chemicals called phthalates, a substance of phthalic acid used to soften plastics for more of a jelly-feel. According to the U.S. Center for Disease Control, high doses of phthalates can change hormone levels, causing birth defects.

The concern is so great that the European Union banned a number of phthalates from children’s toys in 2004. Consider, too, that a study conducted for Greenpeace Netherlands found that the ratio of sex toys that tested positive for phthalates was 7:8. (They ranged in concentration from 24 to 51 percent).

In response, the sex toy industry has started to make vibrators out of elastomer, a latex-free material that doesn’t contain phthalate. When it comes to sex toys in general, look for those made of hard plastic, Lucite, acrylic, glass, metal or elastomer. Rechargeable or solar-powered help the planet even more.