Hating anyone is devastating on both you and, in this case, the child (because she knows about it). In MY case, my daughter was born in 1962 in B.C. Canada and people's minds were so nose-in-the-air and it's-all-the-girl's-fault. Our neighbors and Mom's friends told her to send me away to have the baby and to let the baby be adopted because, otherwise I'd be "marked" for life. Of course, the man who caused the problem got off scott free! Men always did.
I was so full of HATE for the man for the following 9 months and the pains of the birth and the subsequent 3 months of recovery, that I never got over it. I figured that I was being punished by God for being born a female in the first place.
Right from the start, my Mom said that the baby was going to be part of our family because it has the right to be, and she (Mom) has the right to the grandchild. Therefore, against the wishes of EVERYONE, Mom ruled!
As soon as Janis was born, and I came to, the first thing I said was "I'm not pregnant anymore." That was the ONLY thing that concerned me. My imprisonment was over. I'd paid my penalty for allowing that man near me. The next thing I said was "Is it a boy or a girl?" When someone said "It's a girl" I was so relieved. Mom wanted a girl. She harped on it throughout my entire pregnancy. Then I asked "Is she all right?" Someone said "Yes." And that was the end of it.
To me, the tumor was out of my body. The surgery was over. But now I had to feed this thing. Again, this creature from the depths of hell was going to suck the life out of my body. And, worse, my body was going to continue to be a gusher of milk for it. My own body was turning against me. It produced this thing, and now it feeds it. I wanted out - mostly I wanted out of this body that was torturing me. I was living in hell.
(I'm leaving a lot out of this story because it would make it too long if I didn't). When I got well enough, my parents told me that I would now go out and work to support my daughter (who had been named "Janis") at this point. I ended up doing office work which I hated. I hated my life. I wanted to escape.
In those days women weren't allowed to work in bars. So I took off to Ontario where women had equal rights. Not only could they be cocktail waitresses in nightclubs, they could be bar tenders! Wow! What a difference. I was now free!
I stayed away for a long time. As far as I can remember, there was little contact with the family. I hated my family because they represented restraints and constraints. And, I was away from the tumor that had grown in my body for 9 months. And, even though it wasn't her fault, she reminded me of the man I hated who had put the seed of her growth into my body.
It was a huge disservice to put Janis into our household. It was Mom's selfish wants that kept an already bad situation and made it worse. Janis grew up with all the advantages any kid could get. Mom gave her everything, but she wasn't satisfied. She (Janis) could never get enough. She could never have the love of a mother. I didn't have the love to give to her. I couldn't feel anything. And, my Dad criticized me for that. He told me that THAT's the kind of woman I am. (THAT was the kind of woman his Mother was. No doubt, this situation reminded him 100% of his own childhood with and without his raving outrageous Mother - if you could call her that. Actually, she was little more than something that gave birth to him).
Now that my parents are dead, and Janis is God-knows-where, and I live in Hawaii and it is now the year 2012, and Dr. Drew (a TV personality) has interviewed a doctor who told of women who suffered (and suffers) from this same condition (can't relate - and even hates their own offspring) I am free to talk about it.
Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find out who that doctor is who was interviewed on the Dr. Drew show. I'd like to speak to him. I'd like to send him this email.
This year I will be 71 years old. I'm glad my life is behind me. I wouldn't want ANY of it back. I must have paid up all my ugly karma. I'm ready to "go" now.