I would have been murderized.

What was he wearing?

BTW, I'm very happy too he was murderized.

He was NOT murderized.

I would have been murderized. I would have been a bully target.

He wore his ghostbuster outfit. We put patches on his shirt and he wore the backpack I made for him two Halloweens ago. It's huge and unmissable.

I really didn't want him to wear it because I thought he would get picked on.

But he didn't. Or, if he did it didn't bother him.

It was all good as far as he's concerned.

I think some kids just have "IT" when it comes to being passed over by bullies, and when it comes to being seen as cool no matter what.

Mo's got IT



now he should bottle and sell it.

That is exactly what I'm trying to figure out, shewolf -- what the heck is IT?

How the hell does IT happen?

IT , I think, happens in the presentation.

If you walk into the classroom believing you just flew in .. simply because you have on spider man panties..

most others will think you are cool.
THen they pull you into the bathroom of C hall and give you "IT"

He has unwavering confidence. Confident kids are immune from bullies. The real super-cool one even get the bullies to work for them.

I remember when I was in grade school there were identical twin boys. One was super cool and the other was the class punching bag. They looked so alike kids had to make sure they were beating up the right one.

I'm sorry boom!

I meant NOT murderized..(hit's self on forehead)

oh jeez, I wouldn't want to see that.

My typing error boom.

ah....the ghostbuster outfit. I remember that.

What you're talking about . . .



. . . is what i think of as the mark of Abel. We all know about the mark of Cain, but there is equally a mark of Abel--kids (and grownups) unconsciously recognize the habitual victim, and those creeps who like to torment others zero in. That's what i think of as the mark of Abel.

Boomer- You've got it. Bullies go after the frightened, the insecure, and the unsure. I am so glad that Mo has the "moxie", and that children can sense that in him!

I knew what you mean, Chai! No worries.

Moxie is exactly the right word.

The mark of Abel sounds right for bully targets. I was not really bullied much (except by my sisters who thought I was weird) but I think it's probably because I learned how to fly under the radar.

Bullied and unbullied twins would make for a fascinating study, don't you think?

I really thought that Mo would have removed his ghostbusting identification emblems during the day and I was surprised to find them intact when I picked him up from school.

He wants to wear the same outfit today.

I would have been clobbered.

I'm very, very glad Mo wasn't clobbered but I confess I'm still scratching my head over why he wasn't.

I wish he could bottle and sell it because there is nothing I hate more than a bully.

Yep.

I was going to quote that part too.

Confidence is all.

It has to be internal, though -- kids who are worried about this stuff and are told to "act confident" when they actually aren't redouble their mark of Abel.

Anecdote that really needs more time but will try to condense:

We have a neighbor who has issues of one kind or another. She's two years older than sozlet, and they played together sometimes when we first moved here, before sozlet knew many other kids, but it always seemed to end badly. Feelings were hurt, vaguely upsetting things happened (lying, bullying). And pretty much as soon as sozlet met other kids, the playing with neighbor girl stopped.

At their elementary school, kids two years apart are grouped together for recess and lunch time. When sozlet started kindergarten, one of neighbor girl's friends (then in 2nd grade) approached sozlet and first confirmed her identity and then said, "I've heard WEIRD things about you." Sozlet relayed this to me as a funny story. I was (privately) furious... what had neighbor girl been saying about sozlet?? But sozlet's reaction was just to laugh and move on.

I think that's one of those signal moments.

Sozlet has since gotten to know pretty much every kid within a 20-mile radius and is friends with most of them. (Coming up with her birthday guest list was a major chore, as inviting 57 kids was not practical.) She knows not only kids her own age but younger and older; siblings, hanging out at the pool, whatever.

Neighbor girl invited sozlet over to play the other day -- that's unusual, and I was a little suspicious. I asked sozlet later how it had gone... fine. Did neighbor girl ask a lot of questions? Yes. About what? Who she knows.

Neighbor girl seems very status-conscious. The invitation to play came after sozlet had a good friend over who is from a "popular" family (this girl and the girl's older sister, too, who is in neighbor girl's grade.) The fact that sozlet is friends with so many "popular" people seems to have elevated her status a great deal. Neighbor girl strikes me as someone who either bullies or is bullied -- she seems to think about this stuff a lot, what other people think about her, where she is on the totem pole.

Sozlet, meanwhile, is oblivious. She's friends with nice people and not friends with not-nice people, no matter who they may be.

Sadly, i think that children who are bullied will bully in their turn, if they find a victim and think they can get away with it. It's probably attributable to nothing more sinister than a common facet of human nature.

Yeah... I don't think she's been bullied though.

More like, she seems to have a temperament (basically insecure, very aware of social status issues) that lends itself to one or the other. Since she's nice-looking, and good at sports, I think she tends more towards bully than bullied. (Not terrible, but tendencies.)

I think that status awareness is more of a girl thing.

Boys seem to be more willing to hang out with whoever is up for hanging out.

I've really been amazed boy-watching at the schoolyard. I feel like a scientist! Boy groups are very free form. It's fascinating. Many times I'll ask "Who were those kids?" and Mo will say "I don't know" -- after playing with the group for hours.

I think girls are much meaner and much more prone to be bullys than boys.

That's interesting. I wouldn't have thought that. Why do you think this is so?

I agree Boomerang. And it is a good question Set. It's funny I was just talking about this with the school librarian this morning. Girl do have a tendency to be a little meaner than boys, they like exclusivity and they hold grudges - for a long time.

I had 6 3rd grade girls in day camp one summer - miserable summer. All of the cat fights going on and taking sides just about drove me nuts. The next summer I had 17 1st grade boys...lovely summer...they beat the crap out of each other and were done. By the time I got to them most of the time it was settled and ready to be forgotten. I loved those little boys. I loved the girls too...it was just harder work. I don't mind busy -- I mind whining and fussing.

I am not sure why - and of course I can't say it is across the board but girls as a whole just seem to be a little meaner.

I will be reading along to see what others think.

I think boys and girls each bully but in different ways (overall, with exceptions).

Boys tend to do more physical bullying. "Beating the crap out of each other" can be fine or can be really traumatic, though.

Girls tend to do more social/ emotional bullying. (Example from a recent birthday party sozlet went to: a really annoying girl we know first demanded that sozlet sit next to her [or she'd cry], and then shortly after sozlet complied, annoying girl took off a gob of chocolate frosting from her own cake and put it on sozlet's plate. Sozlet was looking at it and trying to figure out why it was given to her -- but generally approving -- when the other girl yelled for the mom/ host and said "sozlet stole my frosting!!!" Sozlet was gobsmacked. The mom/host was distracted and busy and said "now don't steal anyone's frosting," and moved on, and other girl smirked at sozlet. Girls are weird.)

I was overstating when I said "beat the crap out of"....and of course there are bullies that are boys too. Most of the time though it seems to me that boys are a little more open about their hostilities toward each other....they do what they have to to get it straight and then they are fine.

Girls are just a little sneakier about their issues with other girls. I think that is what makes it a little more mean to me. Just like you said with Sozlet - she was side swiped by that - didn't see it coming.

And of course these are generalizations. There are exceptions of course.

It just seems to me in my experience with groups of girls as a whole - that it is more mental anguish that is brought upon the object of their anger rather than just getting it out in the open. I think that may be why it seems meaner.