A message from the Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves
and also in recent years failure to elect competent Presidents of the USA and therefore not be able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except
Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'
'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix
'-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will
be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up
'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We
will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker
will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and
the elimination of '-ize.'


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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.
Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then
you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit
will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the
same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the
benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication
will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also
acceptable, as Australia is pound for pound the greatest sporting
nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also
part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so
that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell
attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an
experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There are only three
kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, Australian Rules and
rugby (dominated by the Australians). Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping
for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not
played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there
is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You
will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (again
World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
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God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour
(NOT humor)!