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Mon 15 Sep, 2003 07:17 am
I have some concerns about the way my sister is raising her child. She is only 20 and has continually put her social life, friends, and boyfriend before the needs of her daughter. My neice is 29 months, and we all live together along with my mother.
My sister is always yelling at Jade, my niece. I rarely ever hear her talk to Jade in a conversational tone. My sister doesn't spend quality time with Jade. During the week Jade goes to daycare at our local YMCA until 5 when my sis picks her up. When they come home, all my sis does is fall aslppe for a few hours then wake up and go out. I get Jade dinner and my mom will watch after her while my sister sleeps. Then, my sister will find someone to watch Jade for the night- usually my mother, and go out until 2:30, sometimes later. I've tried talking to her about the importance of spending time with Jade and that time spent sleeping together doesn't count. She refuses to even consider my suggestions. I've tried talking to my mother to get her to start refusing to watch Jade so my sis can;'t go out every night- and it is literally every night. My mom says she'll talk to my sis, but she never puts her foot down. My sis won't listen to me, my mom doesn't seem to care all that much (she likes having the time with Jade), and I dont know what to do. It is a serious problem that the rest of my family sees too. Jade misses her mom so much, she acts out and has other noticable behavior changes- she wont eat well, she gets whiney, and tells us that she wants her mom. I could use some advice on what to do now.
Welcome, Amber Autumn! I am sorry you come with such a difficult issue - eeeek.
I guess the positive side is that your neice has your mother and you to care for her consistently....although you are quite right to fear the effect her mum's behaviour is having on her.
Your sister is obviously not accepting her daughter's needs - has she been like this ever since she became pregnant? Was she ever there more for this little girl? I imagine it is being very hard for her to accept the changes a child brings. Is she angry about her situation? Is there anyone sensible and caring outside the family with whom she talks, or to whom she would listen? Has her own distress and grief about the changes in her life been possible to discuss? It is easy to feel very angry with her, but this is unlikely to be very helpful.
I am wondering if it might be possible to phrase things in terms of how much Jade needs her and loves her and misses her - with calm descriptions of what people are noticing about Jade's distress - rather than in terms of how she is not being responsible. There is lots of literature about the effects of things like yelling and negative interactions generally - not to mention neglect - on infants. I wonder if your sister is aware of how important she is to her daughter, even physically? (Another reason it is so good that you and your mother are there.)
You mention that your mother enjoys her contact with and care for Jade - which is protective, in some ways! - but may mean that she is subtly colluding with your sister's behaviour. You also mention other family member's concerns - might it be possible to enlist others' help in discussing the matter with your mother, and perhaps with your sister? Often, very close people - (like sisters!) - enlist our defensiveness and anger, and may not be the best to raise sensitive issues.
Might the child care folk have noticed problems that they would be able to raise? They would most likely also have places to refer Jade and her mother to, where some of these concerns might be addressed, and where your sister might find help and support in her role as a mother. Might she listen to family members about Jade's behaviour (as opposed to hers) and the need to address her distress in family counselling? I take it the father is off the scene?
In the end, nobody can force your sister to be a good mother - and Jade's relationship with other family members will be crucial - but, is your mother prepared to follow through, if she is not prepared to do some gentle confronting? (I imagine it might be a bad thing for jade if your sister moved out of home, because she felt picked on!)
Sorry I cannot think of anything more helpful! I am sure others will be along soon.
Amber
My thoughts are on the same lines as dlowan. It's a very sad situation indeed. I also assume that the father is not in the picture and I agree that Jade having you and your mother to care for her helps a lot. I'm also thinking that your mom may not be saying much out of fear that your sister will leave with Jade which obviously wouldn't be good for Jade at this point. dlowan is right when saying that the way you talk to your sister about the situation could make a big difference.
I wish I had more to offer, but this is a tough situation.
Thank you
Thank you both very much for the support and advice. I can see your points, expecially about my sister getting defensive when I confront her- after all, we are sisters..... I appreciate your help. I was thinking about what was said regarding the negative effects that the yelling and my sisters absence from Jade could have on her. Do either of you know where I might find something concrete to give to my sister, like a web page I could show her, or a pamphlet.. something along those lines. I'm thinking that if she wont listen to me or my family, maybe if she sees/ reads it from a credible source she may take it more seriously.. Thanks again!
Here's a quickie, AmberAutumn:
Quote:Hart et al., (1998) found that infants of depressed mother expressed less protest in a jealousy provoking situation and less desire to be near their mothers than children of non-depressed mothers. Children who are exposed to continuous confrontation, aggression and anger tend to react by becoming aggressive or sometimes show passive withdrawal.
Experimental studies where adults simulate angry conflict in front of children show that children are thereafter more likely to hit playmates, fight for toys and indulge in verbal aggression. The consequences are greatest for children who are already aggressively inclined (Cummings et al., 1985).
http://psychology.unn.ac.uk/marion/webdevptl%20files%5Clec08.htm
I'm just speechless, my son is my world and I can't imagine putting him 2nd to anything. By the way im 19 so her and I are close in age.
Does your sister read books?
Robert Karen's "Becoming Attached" is a brilliant book about the importance of the parent/infant bond.
Eeeek - I know mainly resources for professionals...do you have a specialist mum's and kids service? They would likely have literature about attachment aimed at parents. I just looked up Infant mental health on Google - and got lots of hits - most of it was for professionals - but a bit of a search should reveal stuff for parents. I will look more for you when I get home from work!
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