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Which dad is more important?

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OK, before I start: I don't think you can answer this question for me, I know I have to make this decision for myself.
However, I would appreciate your thoughts on this.

Dad #1: About a month ago my dad has been diagnosed with cancer.
He is 80 years old and an operation is not possible any more.
At the moment we don't know if he has months or even years left.
He is not well, though.

Dad #2: My husband (father of our son (2)) has been in Afghanistan since easter. before that he was in Iraq for three months. So he has missed quite a lot of his son and is very sad about this.

Now it looks like we have to move to the States for 2-3 years in September.
Apart from the fact that I never wanted to move anyway, now, I find it doubly hard, thinking that a good-bye from my dad might me a final one.

If his condition worsens considerably, I am thinking of staying behind, at least for a while.
BUT... Doing so I am trying to use the time left to spend with my dad while at the same time I am depriving my son of his own dad in a time when he is changing so much, and I am not sure if that would be fair.

What do you think?

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Focus on the youth.

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Re: Which dad is more important?

Bohne wrote:

Now it looks like we have to move to the States for 2-3 years in September.

Could I ask you to elaborate on this a bit? Is it that he has to be assigned to the states or is it just a routine rotation back?

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[quote]Could I ask you to elaborate on this a bit?[/quote]

My husband came to Germany for a three year tour in 2000 (end of).
After meeting me, he put in three times for a one-year extension which was granted.
In 2006 we were getting ready to move, even though he tried for another extension.
In May we were told, that we could stay for another two years after all.

Now all possibilities seem to be exhausted and he will probably have to go.

Usually after 2 or 3 years he can apply to be sent back to Germany, and shortly after he would retire from the army, anyway.

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Oh Bohne...what a difficult decision. I can' imagine the feelings you must be having. I have to say I think my heart would be split pretty much even on this...but I do know Daddy can never get those years back of missing his baby grow up. He has also been away already for so long when he couldn't help it. I lean toward staying with him. But only slightly....

Your Dad has had the blessing of having you there all these years. And has had a long life - Though I cannot imagine how tough it will be being that far away. I would be so sad to be away from my Dad if he were that ill. Have you talked to your husband about it?

I hope you find an answer that gives you peace.

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Bohne wrote:

[quote]Could I ask you to elaborate on this a bit?

My husband came to Germany for a three year tour in 2000 (end of).
After meeting me, he put in three times for a one-year extension which was granted.
In 2006 we were getting ready to move, even though he tried for another extension.
In May we were told, that we could stay for another two years after all.

Now all possibilities seem to be exhausted and he will probably have to go.

Usually after 2 or 3 years he can apply to be sent back to Germany, and shortly after he would retire from the army, anyway.[/color][/quote]

*nods* I'm guessing he's already tried the hardship extension route. The Air Force would allow people to PSC between bases within the same country to restart their tour clock but I'm not sure if the Army can/will do that.

That sucks.

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Hopefully you'll have more information on your father's true prognosis before you have to make a final decision.

I understand the difficulty of your dilemma. There is no one best answer. You have to make a decision, possibly with input from your husband and father (and perhaps other nearby relatives), but whatever you decide will weigh heavily on your heart.

Whichever way you decide, don't beat yourself up over the ultimate decision. Know that it is the best answer for you in a difficult time.

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JPB wrote:

Whichever way you decide, don't beat yourself up over the ultimate decision. Know that it is the best answer for you in a difficult time.

this is GOOD advice Bohne. Hugs to you.

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Oh, was fuer ein Schlamassel, Bohne!

It definitely will be a hard and emotional decision for you, no question
about it. Having said that, I believe that your little family has precedence:
your little boy needs his father and as you said, he's changing so much
in the early stages of his life, your husband has missed already valuable
time with him.

Once you're here in the U.S. you can make arrangements to frequently
fly over to see your father, perhaps have him come and spend time with
you, permitting his health.

Good luck to you, Bohne, and I hope you'll have many years left with
your father.

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My idea, my first thought, and even after sitting on it a bit I still feel the same thing..

If your dad is nearing the end of his life, my feelings , what I would do etc.. is to be near him.

not to sound uncaring, or even rude, but I feel as though your husband has his whole life ahead of him with his child.. and that.. the time missing can always be repaired so long as the effort is made. but death can not be.

A few more weeks, to be with your dad as he dies , in my opinion , would be more "important" though I hate to use that word. Your husband is important too. In some ways MORE important.. but a few weeks in a childs life, that young, can be fixed, can be repaired and can be 'undone'... if that makes sense.

Great scott I would not want to be in your situation as I doubt my first thought would be that easy.
You have my sympathy . And I agree.. what ever you do, keep your confidence about it because you can always find fault with what ever you choose and that is not necessary.

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shewolfnm wrote:

My idea, my first thought, and even after sitting on it a bit I still feel the same thing..

If your dad is nearing the end of his life, my feelings , what I would do etc.. is to be near him.

not to sound uncaring, or even rude, but I feel as though your husband has his whole life ahead of him with his child.. and that.. the time missing can always be repaired so long as the effort is made. but death can not be.

A few more weeks, to be with your dad as he dies , in my opinion , would be more "important" though I hate to use that word.

I think what you may be trying to say rather than more important is more immediate. Neither is more important - one may be more immediate as you may not have another option with your dad.

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yes. Absolutely.
much better word then important. As i said, both are..

but immediate.. perfect..

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oy. i can't be objective on this one, as i too have an aging father and am changing continents to be closer to him. at this point i would sacrifice a lot just to be able to be near my father. there is no second chance on that one.

....but i'm not married and don't have a son. what a sophie's choice you have to make. agree with JPB that whatever you decide will be the best, there is no good decision in your situation. hope your father is dealing well and has many more years ahead.

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Re: Which dad is more important?

Bohne wrote:

I am thinking of staying behind

Can you stay with your father with a while, while sending your son to the U.S. with your husband?

If it is an either/or, my vote would be toward your son and husband staying together in the U.S., while you make occasional trips back.

Definitely priority on the young child (for me).

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I think the same as a combination of shewolf and ehbeth.

staying with your father and having your husband take his son for awhile.

I know it's more complicated than that....but, basically that.

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I like these two suggestions best.

CalamityJane wrote:

...I believe that your little family has precedence:
your little boy needs his father and as you said, he's changing so much
in the early stages of his life, your husband has missed already valuable
time with him...Once you're here in the U.S. you can make arrangements to frequently fly over to see your father, perhaps have him come and spend time with you, permitting his health....

ehBeth wrote:

If it is an either/or, my vote would be toward your son and husband staying together in the U.S., while you make occasional trips back...Definitely priority on the young child (for me).

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I do too, Eva, but more re CJane's.

Temporizing, I don't think you know enough yet about your father's prognosis, Bohne, re likely timing.

And from here, we don't know the state of your relationships with father and father. I'm not asking, it's not our business unless you feel like divulging, but those have import into the mix.

I do think the father-son relationship is primary for saving, even though being away from you is major wrenching for the son, for sure. I know that almost first hand as my niece's mother left her twice with no warning for six months at a time when she was from two to four - the husband not having warning either. Knowing that wrench (that is when I became lifelong close to my niece), my hope is that you go with your husband to the US and make visits back to Germany.

It also seems to me, not knowing your husband's views at all, that he has tried his mightiest to accommodate your staying in Germany wishes. You seem to often say you have to go to the US. He may have more mixed feelings.

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[quote="ossobuco"]And from here, we don't know the state of your relationships with father and father. I'm not asking, it's not our business unless you feel like divulging, but those have import into the mix.
[/quote]

My husband absolutely loves and adores his son and is heartbroken about being away from him for so long.
Only recently our little one ripped daddy's picture of his door and decided he wanted a photo of two donkeys there instead, that we visit regularly.
That was a real blow for his daddy (not sure why I even told him).

My dad and I, that is a long story.
We did not have a good relationship when I was a child.
Mainly due to him being a different generation dad, I think.
He was at work all day and wanted peace and quiet when he came home.
I don't remember doing much with him when I was little. even though my mother constantly tells me that he was always so proud of me.
That might be the second problem: He never was able to show his feelings.
The first time I remember him saying: I love you! was when I was in my mid-twenties and living abroad.
By that time we had already gone through almost two years of not speaking at all, since he did not support my choice of lifestyle.

In the meantime he still can not express his feelings, but from little things I figure that he is an old man of many regrets.
I think, he is actually realizing what he has been missing, especially since his grandson was born two years ago.

And the nature of our relationship makes it even more difficult to lean to either side.
I would like to give my dad the chance to be close to me and my son, which he did not have/want/was able to when I was little.
But I don't want my son to be as distant from his dad as I was.

Yes, I was thinking of leaving in September, getting everything settled, finding day-care for our son and then coming back on my own for a while.

Hopefully my husband will be back next week.
So far I have not been discussing this with him.
He probably had enough other problems on his mind.

Thank you all for your input.
I think I will not have to make a final decision until about mid-August.
Then I will have to quit my job if we are leaving.
Hopefully by then my dad's state will be clearer, too.

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I will be hoping for that as well Bohne...very clear cut and something that brings you peace. Thoughts are with you.

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