what can "I" do?

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My boyfriend, Aaron, has a daughter with his ex girlfriend whom he was with for 5 years. When they split up when the baby, Jay, was a year, his girlfriend got full custody. He was going through a teenage fuss and had another girlfriend so she demanded that she take full responsibility for Jay. He continued to support her financialy and, on ocassion, saw her and their child.

Now, he's in universtiy and has cleaned up his act. He still sees Jay once in awhile but he wants to be able to spend more time with her. She's six now, in grade 1, and she wants to spend more time with her daddy. Her mother is open to this exept one thing: I can't be around. Aaron and I have been dating for over a year, I've met his dauther once (she fell in love with me and accidentaly told her mother that Embarrassed

, so I know that she must be feeling like she's be replaced) and I've only met his ex once as well.

I'm all for them spending time with eachother, but I'm worried. I feel left out from part of his life. I'm also angry because her boyfriend whom she has another child with, is not exactly father of the year either. But why is he allowed around the children but I, a pretty damn good individual (i think!), have to keep a distance?

My boyfriend is afraid to fight with her on theses issues because she does have full custody and has the right to say no. What can I say or do?

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Grovel. Well, if you can't, try and try to make friends with ex-gf. It might be possible. All things considered, it doesn't look like there are many options.

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true. I guess, but I need some sort of hope!

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I had a similar situation with my sons father and unfortunately when my ex had our son he spent all of his time focused on his girlfriend while he had our son play with his girlfriends kids. I know your situation is a bit different, but You need not feel left out at all since his relationship is with his daughter and not his ex. Since he lacked in the past on spending a whole lot of time with his daughter, he needs to be able to bond with her one on one in my opinion.

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Does your b/f have unsupervised visitation rights? Visitation rights are seperate for custody and should have been spelled out in any child support/custody agreement.

If he does have the visitation rights than he can do whatever he wants to do during those periods. She has no authority to dictate who else can or can't be there at the time. She could however, make life difficult.

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I agree with Fishin that no one should be able to dictate who is present during visitation, but I also think that it depends on the situation. In my case, my son would come home angry because his father wasn't actually spending the time with him, so that became a problem. Every situation is different.

I wish you the very best in this. If you all do end up getting together in time, just make sure the time spent is focused on the child.

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The one time that I did meet Jay, aaron had brought her over to my house. I made her juice and she told me all about kindergarden: who she got along with, what colors she used for painting flowers ect... the we took her to a movie. She took turns sitting on both aarons and my lap. We had so much fun. As aaron was taking her home she told me that she really liked me and that she wanted all of us to do more fun stuff together.

Then she told her mom that she loved me (as all 5 year olds say) and her mom freaked.
But my point is, if aaron is wantind to take her and spend time, its because he really does want to spend time.
As for the visiting rights, I'd have to ask. All I knwo is that She has all legal rights. Full custody. Full decision.

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In that case, the mother shouldn't have any problem with you being in the picture. As long as you both spend that time focused on his daughter then that's all that matters. If the mother has a problem with her daughter caring about you, then obviously she's just plain jealous and thats pretty selfish seeing that her daughter took to you and would like to spend more time with you. I truly feel for you in this situation and I wish I had some advice to give you, but if the mother has full physical and legal custody, then she carries all the cards. The only way that can change is if your botfriend brings mom to court and has legal visitation set up so mom can't call all the shots anymore.
Good luck to you both.

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do you think its a good idea if I talk to the mother. She called today because aaron wanted to take Jay to a traditional family gathering for the weekend. She flipped out and said that it was too soon to take her away (which for a six year old who's never really been away from her mom is understandable). But she does want him to take her for the weekend. SHE told me this. I'm not too sure if I'm allowed to be there but still. It's an improvement.
However, should I talk to her. Maybe reasure her that I'd give them space to connect, I'm not going to ever replace her but Jay can bennift from having both women in her life, ect...

Would this for you if you were in her place?

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Mom must be pretty full of herself to think that their daughter couldn't handle a family weekend gathering with her father. I mean, the woman needs to get real here for her daughters sake. As for their daughter spending the weekend, mom can't tell you not to be there, but as Fishin stated earlier, mom can cause problems if she has full control. At this point, I think the mom is being very obsesive and I don't think you talking to her will help. It might, but in turn, it could make matters worse. If I were in your shoes, I would talk to your boyfriend about going to court to get visitation down on paper, so that she can't use any blackmail antics and you can go on with your lives without conditions.

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I think Montana has it about right. The mother is using the child as a means of control. Either the woman is overly controlling of the child or she's using the child as a weapon - neither is good for the kid in the long run.

I don't think trying to get involved directly is a good idea. It's really something that your b/f and the mother need to work out. It wouldn't hurt if you try to befriend her a little if you do end up talking with her on the phone. I wouldn't give her an ammo to use against you but maybe if she feels she can trust you some it may help.

I'd guess all of this "breaking through" will be a long process. Patience is the word... You're going to have to have lots of it.

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EileenM--

The older we are, the more baggage we accumulate. Right now you are dating a man who comes with a 6 year old daughter and an irrational, sometimes vindictive former significiant other.

Both daugher and her mother are part of your man's baggage. You are not going to have instant rapport with either one of them. One visit the six year old adored you. The next visit she may be insanely jealous and want her Daddy all to herself.

Disasters crash in. Good things happen slowly. Make it clear to mama that you regard her as her daughter's custodial parent with a right to make decisions. You want a good relationship? When appropriate, ask her advice.

Remember your man's daughter has a prior claim on his affections and on his time. Do not come between them. Do not even give the appearance of coming between them. Remember, if he's a really great guy, given a choice between you and his daughter, he's going to pick his daughter.

Baggage can be awkward in the beginning and when unpacked can be absolutely wonderful.

Good luck.

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what can "I" do?

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