step son in big trouble

Are you divorced from the father?

we are not divorced, but we don't live together either. It's a great big mess. We have a 4 and 6 yr old together. He is American and I am Canadian, I have not been able to move to the US permanently and he can not come to Canada. We see each other very very little and with him it's always got to be drama of some kind going on. My heart goes out to the 14 year old. I tried to be the mom he needed but his parents were continually in court fighting over a son that neither one of them really wanted, they just didn't want the other parent to have him. He is a total victim who has now become the victimizer. I want my kids to have a father but I am thinking that maybe our lives need to move forward and leave this mess to them.

Squinney's question is pertinent, but the larger question is are you (and his father) responsible for this boy as the legal guardian/caretaker/parent? If you are divorced from the father and the boy lives with him, the boy would legally and morally be his problem. If the boy lives with you, I think you are stuck with responsibility to deal with the problem even if that is simply to hand it off to somebody better equipped to handle it.

Even at 14 we cannot blame somebody else for the choices we make, and we all should held accountable for those choices. The boy may well be served best by being institutionalized for awhile in hopes that he will receive help that he needs. The parent is not always equipped to provide needed help in these cases.

And it is not always the parents' fault. Probably we all know of wonderful families where all the kids turn out just fine except for one that goes off the track. How does that happen? If I knew what caused it or how to prevent it, I could die a very rich woman.

Both parents share joint legal custody but he lives with his mother in his grandmothers home. I think you are right about handing this over to qualified people to deal with. He needs professional help and to be away from his family. He is responsible for his actions, I am just afraid that he will be lost in the system. I am horrified at what he has done to another child. I wonder how many more he has done this to? I also wonder who started this? Who did this to him? I don't ever want him to hurt another child. I worry that the police have him and seem content with that. There is a bigger picture here. He needs to be stopped but they don't seem interested in how he got to be this way. I firmly believe that someone has taught him this, I may be wrong but I don't think so. I end up with more questions than answers. He has been let down so many times in his life and I feel like I am turning my back on him and yet I think that may be what I have to do. My two little boys don't live the insane life that he has and I want it to stay that way. I guess it is time to cut my losses and move on.

Worriedmom--

Of course you're distressed about your neglected, acting out stepson. Unfortunately there is nothing much you can do from a distance except stay in touch as best you can.

Has he been released in the custody of a parent?

As for his father--who happens to be the father of your sons--this man is not a keeper. I'd guess that you're much better off without him.