My Preschoolers outbursts

Sorry, but no, I don't think you can blame it on the age. My two kids never behaved that way, nor did any of the other 12 nieces and nephews of that generation.

Maybe a child psychologist would offer you some insight.

My little one is almost 2 and I see some of that occassionally.

It is usually, when he is getting tired.
He shows me, he wants a drink (by taking one of his cups out of the drawer).
I get the juice bottle, but that moment, he drops the cup and decides, he wants to get another one.
I say no, pick that one up, you are not having another cup now.

He has free choice of cups in the first place, so I think this is reasonable of me.
Of course he insists and starts crying.

There are real tears running down his cheeks, and his face looks like he will never be happy again in his life, if he does not get a new cup.

So I pick him up, ignore his wailing, and two minutes later he has forgotten all about it.

It has not crossed my mind to consult a psychologist about this.
I think it is quite normal for children to try and find their boundaries.
I don't think I would worry about it too much.

Catwoman29 wrote:


This is pretty extraordinary behavior for a child that age- she actually verbalizes that she does this so you will give in and give her what she wants? So she's understanding and acknowledging that she's engaging in manipulative behavior? Wow...I thought my son was one of the smartest and most articulate and insightful four year olds I'd ever met - but even he never had the insight to dissect his own tantrums like that...or maybe he was too smart to tell me that he knew what he was doing and why...

Although he never tantrumed like that - I think he tried it once or twice when he was two- but I always just kind of turned a blind eye to it and told him, 'When you're ready to rejoin polite society - let me know - until then take it somewhere else.' (Of course that was only when he was being unreasonable and trying to get attention and when he didn't get attention that way, he figured out it wouldn't really work for him- but if he legitimately needed my help or attention I always gave it to him- maybe that's why there were so few tantrums).

I don't know - my sister told me my niece was something like that- without the verbal acknowledgement of her own manipulation tacked on at the end...just getting so angry she couldn't function for a while. She turned out okay though...

What do you do that your daughter thinks you're hurting her feelings? I don't get that part of it. Does she think your job is to give her everything she wants over and over even when she makes a decision or mistake to get rid of something? Maybe you can explain to her that you're not trying to hurt her feelings - you're just accepting her decision and her decision at that point was that she didn't want anymore lemonade. You're trying to treat her like a big girl.

The hard part is the tantrum in the public place. I guess I'd say to put her in the car seat and let it run its course with you sitting outside the car not giving eye contact and 'listening' until she gets the point that you're not giving her your attention for this negative behavior.

But I know it'd be hard to get a struggling four year old in a car seat or even in the car...and I also know it'd be hard to sit and try to ignore your child in obvious distress. I don't know...I don't think it's the age - I think it's a mechanism she's using to get her way - I guess if she's articulate enought to tell you why she does it - maybe she'd be articulate enough for you to sit calmly and explain to her why it won't work when she settles down.

Talking it through is good (later), but part of our job as parents is to let our children know, in no uncertain terms, that Outrageous Behavior Will Not Be Tolerated.

And since she is able to verbalize her own motivations, maybe she's able to understand if you explain to her what happens to children who grow up having gotten everything they ever wanted and never having to deal with consequences of their own decisions/behavior.

How about when she starts to verbalize how you hurt her feelings, you cut in and explain to her how much she hurt yours?

To all who have responded I thank you very much for your thoughts.

I will say I have done every one of your suggestions including getting professional help. I do tell her how she hurts my feelings. I wait until she calms down to talk to her. I do not give her everything she wants (hence the melt down in the first place) and I know she is manipulative.

I mostly get upset that she gets so sad. I fear her having more of a mental health issue. But after today, I am not as concerned.

She says this morning "remember last night at the restaurant when I was crying over my lemonade"? I said yes. She says "I'm sorry for the way I acted". It validated the fact that she knew what she was doing and trying to manipulate me. My silence about it made her think and I think we may have turned a corner.

Again, I thank you for insight. It helped.

Hello catwoman and welcome to a2k

Your little girl is quite smart to a) recognize and analyze her tantrums
and b) to apologize later on. Pat yourself on the shoulder for that one!

When my daughter was around 3 years old she acted up badly in a restaurant. We left soon thereafter. At home I told her very
calmly that I don't tolerate such behavior in a restaurant and if she
does it again, she will have to stay home with a babysitter while we
go without her.

I did call the babysitter shortly thereafter when she misbehaved again,
I guess she wanted to test the waters. The next time when I asked
her if she would rather stay home with the babysitter or come along
and behave, she promised to behave and we never had a problem
again - in the restaurant that is!

Just get her some more lemonade. That should shut her up.

Sorry, just needed to offer an opposing theory.

She sounds like a very bright child and that can be both challenging and rewarding. On the upside, she's bright enough to talk these things out once she's calmed down, and it seems to work. Keep it up. The next step is letting her know that she can control herself before it gets as bad as the last time. "Next time, when you start to feel like that again, remember what happened yesterday and try to control yourself or find another way to deal with it".

Nickfun,

Doing things like that got us into trouble in the first place...hee hee.

CalamityJane,

Thanks for your imput as my husband and I did something similar but not the babysitter thing.
Although she really doesn't do this that often anymore (it's actually been probably a year or so) and I was really surprised this even happened, my next one is coming up through the ranks. I will have to try that with her.

catwoman, I don't think this is a mental health issue. Your daughter is bright and smart. She did understand how it was a misbehaviour and not a hurt from you. After reading the issue, it just felt like you will need to reinforce that you will not give in to wrong demands and you will not tolerate any bad behaviour. Your daughter is fine.

It was good that you put your foot down and not let her have another lemonade. This will go a long way in helping her in selecting the right option.

Children struggle a lot with control issue. I think she is at an age where she needs to feel more powerful by getting things done her way. Let her have control over few things at home. Teach her to do stuff on her own, like cleaning after herself, fixing some quick breakfast or juice.. anything that makes her feel independent and not controlled by you. This could reduce the control issue in other places.

Regarding misbehaviour, it helps to isolate them from the scene of the event and give them some quiet time. Something which I do very often and has helped me. If we are in the house and he is throwing a tantrum.. i refuse to listen to him until he sobers up and we can have a civilized discussion and direct him to the bedroom. I guess many parents have benefitted from this approch. He will prompty retire to the bedroom, wash his face and come back open to listen to me. If you are in a restaurant, car would be a good place to retire.

Explaining the expectations before the misbehaviour happens, helps too. I explain to my son before we enter the restaurant, that he is expected to talk gently, eat noiselessly and neatly(that only if he wishes to eat there), sit in one place.

I have also noticed, that mostly children throw tantrums when they are not feeling good. Like not rested, hungry, thirsty.. So may be it will help you to have her take a nap, feed her something before you start for the restaurant.

Does she know how to read? Then you could take some story books she likes to the restaurant. She could read some stories before the dinner is served. My son, only likes homemade food. He refuses to have food outside. So for him, it is always helpful to carry some story books to keep him occupied in the restaurant.

Every child would have thrown a tantrum at some point. So don't feel bad. It's normal. It's good for the parents, because we learn how to deal with it and for the children because we can teach them the difference between right behaviour and wrong behaviour. We can also teach them to learn from their mistakes. As long as you are not ignoring it and working on helping your child out, this will only benefit you and your child. So have plenty of hope. Best wishes to you.

My middle daughter (almost 4) has similar reactions. After alot of research and talking to people, I've come to the conclusion that she has some chemical sensitivities. They aren't as severe as those that some kids experience, but I can definitely tell when she's eaten something that she shouldn't. Certain preservatives (like sodium benzoate) really set her off.

I still use regular time-outs and discipline with her, but it's become far easier to deal with her because a) I know when she's having a reaction and it's less upsetting for both of us, and b) since I can reduce her exposure to the things that cause the behavior, it happens less frequently. Once she actually bit me really hard, and she's kicked, broken things, etc... that's how bad it got before I figured this out.

I also have a very close friend who has done a ton of research on the topic and who has a daughter with really severe chemical sensitivity. Let me know if you'd like me to send you an article I have and put you in touch with my friend.

Hang in there! Just think of the tales we'll be able to tell them when they become parents!